Why women deny the existence of women on women aggression

and how to stop it

This article is another instalment on the topic of woman on woman aggression and narcissistic behaviour about why some women (and other people) deny the existence of women on women bullying, and why women get away with bullying.

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This woman is always watching her back so that she can defend herself against a bully and her flying monkeys. Photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash.

I began working on this piece right after I published about the sources of woman on woman aggression in the workplace, then got distracted by other things and forgot all about it. It wasn’t until I started seeing posts about Naomi Klein’s new book Doppelganger that focuses on taking down Dr. Naomi Wolf, her evil thought leader activist twin, that I decided to revisit the topic. You can find some great reviews of this book highlighting this one-sided rivalry here and here.

Out of all the book reviews and comments I’ve read so far on multiple platforms (and I haven’t read everything written about it), few have referred to this behaviour as woman on woman aggression or mean. When you wade through all the intellectual fluff and analysis of political views and activities, this has the vibe of a jealous mean girl publishing her burn book. The reviews have focused on Klein’s blind spots and shadow projecting onto Wolf or reviews raving about Kleins personal reflections and support for exposing the absurdist views of conspiracy theorist Wolf. Yet no one has said, “hey, you’re actually picking on another woman and mocking her to make yourself look better than her. What has she done to you personally to get you all riled up?”

Woman on woman aggression, a form of interpersonal narcissism, at work, in professional networks, in families and friend groups follow the same playbook. But somehow, the prospect of woman on woman aggression seems to cross a line about what we’re allowed to publicly say because the idea that this exists 1) adds additional accountability to women’s already unfairly heavy load 2) contradicts an immutable belief that women are innately programmed for cooperation, collaboration, emotional intelligence and supporting other women 3) imposes an undesirable description on much beloved thought leaders and other parasocial relationships with public figures.

Look no further than your X/Twitter feed and anyone can see that women are human and just as capable of showing poor character traits as any person. Being a woman doesn’t protect against narcissism and our human condition to crave power and control when success is at stake. Like males, females are hardwired for competition for survival and success¹.

Relational aggression and bullying among women involve shaming, shunning and social death in the following ways:

• gossip and smear campaigns

• unjustified criticism or blame, including accusations of incompetence

• barring access to opportunities and a wider network

• social and professional exclusion

• withdrawal from friendship/professional relationship

• ignoring ideas and contributions

• claiming ideas and contributions, including Knowledge Vampirism

• public humiliation

Naming it has consequences. When I published a piece describing why women bully other women at work I was genuinely surprised (and also not surprised) by some of the reactions. Women minimized the impact or denied the existence of lateral aggression among women. The deniers of woman on woman aggression used ad hominem attacks and strawman fallacies to distract from and discredit the content (and me), and asserted alternative narratives about sisterhood and a need to lift each other up. I took notice of the hypocrisy of taking a morally superior position about the importance of uplifting women while shaming me.

So I asked the wonderful Substack community and various social media outlets why some women (and men) deny the existence of bullying and aggression between women at work and in social groups despite the evidence²? What motivates denial and suppression of discussions about woman on woman bullying and aggression?

Why some women deny that female relational aggression exists

They have aggression blind spots. These women can’t detect aggression because they’ve been desensitised to hostility and social dominance. Some of these women are the Golden Child of their family because they didn’t act out and upset the dominant maternal authority while seeking to earn her approval. They are compliant, well behaved and keen to please any authority figure, especially those who resemble their mother’s behavioural characteristics. These women would often describe their upbringing as normal or great and their mothers as caring, firm but fair. Since aggression is experienced as normal, it will go undetected in milieus outside of their family system, such as their friend groups, workplaces, professional groups and communities.

When a woman raises an issue about another woman’s aggressive or bullying behaviour, these women will be quick to question you about your interpretation of events, and suggest that you might be exaggerating, overreacting, being dramatic or oversensitive. They are conditioned to always side with the dominant authority/person in any situation and are unable to see indications of covert or overt aggression until there are physical signs of assault.

Their default self-preservation strategy is to be compliant, likeable, generous, self-sacrificing and cater to the emotional needs of the dominant authority. Denial is not an attempt to be hurtful to targets of aggression. They just can’t see or conceive of their fair but firm projection of maternal authority as anything other than caring behaviour.

They are idealistic and victimhood averse. These women focus on an idealised archetype of woman alive in feminist fantasies. They choose to only see, hear and speak about the good that women do. They speak of aspirations of unity and solidarity, of sisterhood and uplifting each other. They talk about women having seats at the table and more sisters in leadership across all sectors in society. Women unite to save the world!

To maintain focus on this vision, they deny the reality that bullied women face. The motives for suppressing ideas about women on women aggression include:

• fear of betraying the Sisterhood

• belief that women already have it tough and these narratives undermine examples of women getting along

• fear of undermining feminism efforts and progress

• a need to protect a fantasy and narratives that women naturally lift each other up

• giving attention to this issue will make it easier to blame women for toxic workplace culture

• giving attention to this issue obscures issues caused by men's bad behaviour toward women

• belief that it absolves men or leadership of their responsibility to improve workplace culture

• needing to protect their proximity and relationship to those in power

These women focus only on aspirational, positive narratives and examples of women’s behaviour while shaming the women for speaking ill about women. In a hierarchical organisation, these women will distance themselves from those speaking about relational aggression issues for fear of being associated with the person threatening status quo, who will be scapegoated as the problem. They wouldn’t want to be seen speaking poorly about organisational culture because it could backfire and cost them their status within the organisation or social hierarchy.

They are the bullies. These woman are on alert for threats against their hold on power. They are vocal supporters of women uplifting women in public while demeaning women they see as weak in private. Women who reject vulnerability and perceived characteristics of weakness tend to pick on women who seem passive, submissive and soft. Perceived characteristics of weakness are seen as threats because they reject their own vulnerability by maintaining a pro-grit, survival of the fittest attitude.

They speak highly of themselves compared to the women who they devalue. In doing so, they falsely believe in their own superiority which justifies their styles of leadership that are aggressive to toxic. They deny the existence of bullying because those who don’t fit in with them are the problem, not them.

These women are the perpetrators of the hostile behaviours they read about but only see themselves as victims of other bullies or are too triggered by the content to examine what underlies the feelings. The ones who protest and deny bullying, push back with DARVO³. If possible, these are the women to limit interactions online and in person.

Harkening back to Klein’s Doppelganger meshugas, a woman exposing the perceived crazy antics of another woman gives permission for men, women, media and all to participate in the Wolf shaming and slamming with a veneer of civil intellectual discourse. As expected, supporters justify, downplay, protect and celebrate her cybersurveillance and character assassination. You can check out Klein’s X feed to get a glimpse of this.

In typical bully fashion, these women are also more likely to blame women for being hurt by other women or men because of perceived character weaknesses. Viewed through the lens of internalised misogyny, these women see complaints and justified grievances as exaggeration or lies, positioning the targets of female bullies as the real problem.

This appears to be a woman helping another woman, pulling her up to safety and career promotion. This can also be a woman threatened by a trusting junior yet accomplished woman’s hand to experience a fall from grace. Which version do you see? Image by Retrorocket from Alamy.

Why do many women get away with relational aggression?

In a workplace context, constructs held about the ideal woman get in the way of seeing sinister behaviour of a woman. The overbearing maternal boss is meant to convey caring and protection of the employee whereas the employee can experience this as stifling and controlling. When the employee tries to provide feedback, give an opinion or create some distance, the maternal boss quickly shows her vindictive side, beginning the phase of employee devaluation and the demise of that relationship.

Some of the other distractions from aggression and covert bullying behaviours can involve:

• embodying desirable beauty standards granting her pretty privilege. She might also play up positive interpersonal traits to be viewed as likeable and safe.

• stroking the right egos through various grooming methods.

• authorities/leaders/colleagues don’t see aggression because they can’t identify normalised and acceptable behaviours as aggressive.

• authorities defend her with excuses such as “you don’t know what she’s been through - you don’t know her story”, excusing bad behaviour with past trauma.

• being seen as a victim of false accusations, inviting sympathy, pity and statements such as “she would never do anything like that!”

• emulating rational/intellectual attributes that makes her seem safe and trustworthy to men who prefer rationally minded women who can critique other women.

• they model alpha male characteristics that are more respected in the workplace.

• authorities are unskilled and inept at managing bullying or responding to the bullying behaviours because they are untrained at spotting power imbalances.

• people are afraid to speak up especially about women in higher positions.

• lack of diverse women in leadership makes organisations look suspect of exclusion, making it difficult to hold women bullies in high ranking positions accountable.

• authorities like the bully more than the victim.

This is not an exhaustive list. There are also contextual considerations that influence why woman on woman aggression is hard to notice. Women need to be good shapeshifters and assimilators to stand out and compete for roles that become harder to access the higher they climb. Assimilating requires women to drop attributes seen as untrustworthy, weak and threatening while enhancing other attributes valued in the workplace culture. Women have developed perceptions of their competence and leadership by internalising beliefs and emulating behaviours that have been modeled by dominant figures who founded and shaped institutions - men and the women who succeed by being like them.

The process of assimilation, though mostly unconscious, can be distressing and manifest as aggressive, backstabbing and self-protective behaviours in workplaces. In a workplace where these behaviours indicate productivity, loyalty, passion and drive, these women are protected from the consequences of their actions against ‘lesser’ women in the workplace.

How do I avoid becoming a denier of woman on woman aggression?

When a female friend or colleague tells you about being targeted by another woman at work/social group:

1. notice if you’re inclined to think that she’s being dramatic or use any of the denial narratives described above

2. avoid using one of the denial narratives to invalidate your friend/colleague’s experience

3. be interested in listening to your friend/colleagues experience of being targeted without needing to agree or believe them

4. ask her how she would like you to support her through the experience

5. manage expectations of the support you can provide

6. avoid becoming your friend/colleague’s Flying Monkey.

If this friend/colleague turns out to be telling the truth, avoiding denial will help them feel supported and understood. If the friend/colleague turns out to be a bully, this approach will help her feel supported and understood, and unlikely to result in becoming a secondary target, as long as you don’t let her know you believe she’s being a bully. If you believe you have a strong enough relationship to provide your observations about her bullying conduct, it’s a good idea to help her arrive at the conclusion through skillful inquiry rather than direct feedback. It can be shocking to realise that she’s not the victim after all. Feeling supported rather than shamed can convince her to change her perceptions and behaviour.

Do you have other tips on how to avoid denying a woman’s experience of female relational aggression? Comment below!

Denying that women can hurt women in workplaces, social groups and networks continue to make it difficult to take action that prevent and stop aggression before it escalates to full blown bullying. Discomfort about discussing this topic prevents us from becoming aware of our own biases, prejudices and (internalised) misogyny that cause us to reactively shut down discussions about woman on woman aggression to protect the fantasy that women get along just fine. Only then can we develop realistic views of women (and men) rather than rely on constructs describing ideal or devalued behaviours in workplaces and other social settings.

Don’t deny reality for the sake of objectivity.

-Judy Melinek

In the spirit of illuminating our flaws and our humanity, let’s keep this conversation going.

Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting, subscribing and supporting my work,

Nathalie Martinek, PhD

The Narcissism Hacker

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Hack narcissism and support my work

I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

While activists focus on fighting macro issues, I believe that activism also needs to focus on the micro issues - the narcissistic traits that pollute relationships between you and I, and between each other, without contributing to existing injustice. It’s not as exciting as fighting the Big Baddies yet hacking, resisting and overriding our tendencies to control others that also manifest as our macro issues is my full-time job.

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1. Stockley, Paula and Campbell, Anne. (2013). Female competition and aggression: interdisciplinary perspectives. Phil. Trans. R. Soc. B 3682013007320130073. http://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2013.0073.

2. Kurter, HL. (2020). Women Bullied At Work: Here’s Why Your Female Boss Doesn’t Support You. Forbes Magazine.

3. Harsey, S. & Freyd, J.J. (2022) Defamation and DARVO [Editorial]. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 23, 481-489, DOI: 10.1080/15299732.2022.2111510 (free access)

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