Merry Post-Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

A year in review

To my amazing Subscribers,

I travelled over Christmas Day from Australia to Miami for a much needed month long break after a stimulating and mentally pushy year. Thank you so much for all your support and engagement with me and all the things I’d written since I began this Substack in July 2021. I had a lot I wanted to get off my chest back then and your feedback has continued to motivate me, especially during periods of mental blocks. Thank you for continuing to share, stack and restack my posts. Your support has helped grow my reach, impact and subscribers more rapidly than in previous years. I’m hopeful this trend will continue!

Photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash

I want to also thank those of you who have reached out to me offline to encourage me, to ask me about navigating tricky situations without making them worse and to share your stories of narcissism hacking and liberation from awful relationship situations. Learning about your desires to break unhealthy relational patterns and the content that you have found useful gives me insight into the impact of this content.

As 2023 comes to a close, I am wondering when the majority of humans in Western democracies will choose character development over domination and control of others. Interpersonal narcissism is a scourge. Both parties suffer: one is in an annoying to oppressive relational dynamic while the other projects their inadequacy, pain and shame attempting to overpower and control. The addiction to power and control is enabled in many different sectors leaving addicts with no desire (or need) to examine their actions or assume responsibility for the damage their actions cause. All they need is their next surge of attention from the right people and to put the lesser people in their place to affirm their omnipotence. From CEOs, University presidents, hospital directors, political leaders to those who dream of ascending to high status positions, the narcissism virus infects anyone who believes their best lives are lived through power, domination and control over others.

This is why I’m going to keep writing about what power does to people’s minds and behaviours in their relationships. We have yet to discover what cuckoo and grace 2024 will bring to inspire more writing and engagement.

In the first quarter of 2023, I focused on analysing shame and providing a reframe about the emotion to help people use it constructively. I also discussed toxic positivity as a shaming approach and skills to use instead that support people to really be there for others.

The second quarter of the year focused on woman on woman aggression, weaving in shame, envy and competitiveness to discuss this type of bullying. Witnessing and being on the receiving end of women’s aggression over the years coupled with the phenomenon of sacred victimhood led me to describe The Social Injustice Warrior archetype, which turned out to be my most popular article this year.

The third quarter focused on introducing a few frameworks I developed and built on to cultivate mental mastery. I used Karpman’s Dreaded Drama Triangle to illustrate how we approach conflict and unknown situations/uncertainty as relational creatures rather than as individuals. I introduced the Unfuck Your Thinking series which is a method to uncouple your emotional reaction from the immediate interpretation of a situation based on very little information. Once you’re out of the reactive state, I drew on another framework and set of narratives to rebuild a more accurate version of the situation that provides possibilities for action that will either improve the situation or won’t make it worse. I also introduced the stages of the Liberation Cycle that we all go through when seeking the truth. I described the first of the 3 stages by discussing denial and denialism as traps that undermine successful completion of the first stage and thwart truth seeking.

Finally, the last quarter’s posts were heavily influenced by the global response to Hamas’ massacre of Israelis on Oct 7. I wrote a detailed analysis of empathy loss and why it happens, how to preserve friendships during ideological (and physical) wars, and a compilation of all my articles on bullying.

I didn’t know I’d be exploring interpersonal narcissism from so many different angles and there is still more territory to cover.

Based on my recent exchanges, there is a need to write more about abuse in relationships and its lasting effects on one’s psyche with approaches to resolving and healing those wounds. Expect to see some upcoming pieces about abuse of self and others, and how to break the cycle. Also expect to see a revisit of the Liberation Cycle and a bigger picture analysis of depression. Like shame, there is a way to work with depression as an ally in addition to it being the debilitating black dog in your life.

There is also an ongoing fascination/disgust with those who praise and benefit from victimhood.

Katherine Brodsky

and I discussed the modern state of narcissism back in 2021 when victimhood signaling was all the amplified rage on the social audio community Clubhouse. When she asked what my advice was for dealing with those who use their victimhood to try to overpower you and dominate a conversation, I suggested not to assert your own opinion because they don’t hear anything outside their ideology. Rather, listen, nod, acknowledge what matters to them and exit the conversation, and plan for a brief transactional exchange should you encounter them again.

I have another approach now when the behaviour is entitled, demanding and condescending. This person is a bully who uses their victim identity to get their way because they’re used to people who go into flight, fawn or freeze mode when encountering such chutzpah. Fight mode can certainly be a strategy to push back against nonsense. Fight mode is often associated with aggression, however when done deliberately, non-reactive fight mode is assertiveness. Assertiveness can be a hard ‘No’ or any other statements that pushes back against domination attempts. Having the last word ie. “I won’t continue this conversation.” or “This is my final response.” or “It seems that the only thing that will satisfy you is to give in to your demands, like a child throwing a fit. That’s not going to happen.” will piss them off, and in some cases where you can appeal to an authority, it can get them thinking straight again.

Assertiveness is THE interpersonal skill for navigating all types of interactions and for standing up to bullies and adult tantrum throwers. I self-published a little book about it around this time four years ago as a way to help those who lack confidence and who tend to lean into the people pleaser side advocate for themselves (without the entitled victimhood). It was my first foray into discussing interpersonal narcissism without calling it interpersonal narcissism. You might also see more on this topic in 2024. Who knows?

So dear readers, what else would you like me to write about next year? What topics or situations burn you up and piss you off? What fascinates you about human behaviour and relationships? Tell me everything by commenting below and I’ll see what I can do about it!

Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting, subscribing and supporting my work.

If you don’t hear from me before the end of 2023, have a wonderful and smooth shift into 2024!

Nathalie Martinek, PhD

The Narcissism Hacker

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Hack narcissism and support my work

I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

While activists focus on fighting macro issues, I believe that activism also needs to focus on the micro issues - the narcissistic traits that pollute relationships between you and I, and between each other, without contributing to existing injustice. It’s not as exciting as fighting the Big Baddies yet hacking, resisting and overriding our tendencies to control others that also manifest as our macro issues is my full-time job.

I’m dedicated to helping people understand all the ways narcissistic traits infiltrate and taint our interpersonal, professional, organisational and political relationships, and provide strategies for narcissism hackers to fight back and find peace.

Here’s how you can help.

• Order my book: The Little Book of Assertiveness: Speak up with confidence

• Support my work:

  • through a Substack subscription

  • by sharing my work with your loved ones and networks

  • by citing my work in your presentations and posts

  • by inviting me to speak, deliver training or consult for your organisation