Decoding anger
This piece is part of a new series for paid subscribers to share my experiences and learning that have contributed to Hacking Narcissism’s educational content and my worldview about the human condition and culture. Our stories, when read in good faith, can help us feel seen, less alone, more connected, restore empathy and humanity.
I recently introduced the concept of the Inner Bully to describe that mean inner voice that kicks you when you’re already feeling down. The Inner Bully is a response to shame known as Attack Self according to the Compass of Shame (see figure below).
Any of us can respond to an experience of shame through various methods. I’m pretty sure you can identify your default shame response in different circumstances. For example, when I experience Imposter Syndrome, I tend to withdraw and go inward, isolating myself from social interactions.
In the past, I would react to someone attacking me verbally or with accusations using all the strategies outlined in Attack Other. Those times when I feel that I’m not getting traction professionally or with parenting, I can go into Avoidance mode and binge K-dramas on Netflix. These are legitimate responses to feeling shame.
Shame has several faces and is there to help us align better with our values and moral principles in spite of the pressure to conform to an authority (ie. controlling friend, boss, workplace, ideology, state). I’m not talking about rebelling, though this can be a reaction to awakening from a conformist stupor. This is more about resisting morally violating norms without needing to act like an entitled brat or blow rules up to prove another’s inferiority. There’s a lot in the graphic above about the three faces of shame that I have described in great detail here. I would love to read your interpretation of this graphic in the comments section.
Shame doesn’t operate alone when it buddies up with anger. If shame is about transgressing expectations, norms and moral principles, anger is a response to experiencing and witnessing boundary violations and injustice.
The many facets of anger
Like shame, anger is vilified and stigmatised in society. We’re seen as out of control or aggressive when we feel angry, even when provoked by an instigator, and told to control ourselves. It is a fiery energy that requires a physical outlet for expression. When we’re too afraid to express anger because it puts us in (perceived) physical danger, we stop the flow of this energy and dampen it. Repressed and stored anger then becomes a source of lethargy, exhaustion, illness and the voice of the Inner Bully.
Anger is heat that slowly spreads throughout the body, sharply tingling its way down your arms, legs and face, firing up your solar plexus and your heart rate. If you’re not comfortable with these strong sensations, you might feel that you need to blame the source of these feelings and go into fight mode (ie. Attack other) in an attempt to get them out of your body.