Don't let war destroy your friendships

De-escalating interpersonal conflict

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This post is inspired by an exchange between myself and

Sheila Dean

on Notes. I haven’t posted any content focusing on the impact of the Israel-Palestine war on diaspora Jewish and Palestinian people. As a Jewish woman I’m cautious about what I share and how I share my views, and my awareness that I’m not adding anything new to the collective analysis beyond pleas for peace with each other.

There is great writing on the topic everywhere, depending on your position of the situation, and troubling ways in which information spreads and is taken up by the public. I watch people who have nothing to do with anyone in the region suddenly take a strong stance on the situation indulging in antisemitism and abuser apologism.

I notice the irony of settler colonialists with a great degree of societal and professional privilege throw words like occupier, colonizer and other American academic and activist terminology to frame their views of a vastly different cultural, historical and political landscape.

I see people living such comfortable lives that they have the freedom to choose their cause célèbre, chant for the destruction of a minority group and justify bourgeois violence on university campuses as resistance. I also see acts of solidarity and connection among people from diverse backgrounds envisioning peace.

The sharp rise in overt and unbridled antisemitism around the world is enough to make the most stoic, assimilated Jew shudder. History has shown again and again that increased antisemitism is a symptom of moral decay, instability and impending societal destruction.

As a Jewish person I want my existence and those of my community to continue. I want everyone else’s lives to continue. I want everyone to have opportunities to live meaningful and peaceful lives. I want those who act out of vengeance and responsible for mass destruction of lives to be held to account.

As a narcissism hacker, I see humans doing what humans do when shocked and devastated by destruction - grasping at information to fill in blanks, affirming their survival and identity biases, outrage posting, manufacturing certainties through black and white thinking, committing many logical fallacy sins, and inflating their egos to obscure the painful void of helplessness and powerlessness. In doing so, there are emotional bonds breaking between long time associates and friends and new ones forged with rightthinkers of a new tribe.

We’ve seen waves of conflict in our own lifetime between long time friends and within families ranging from support of the wrong Presidential candidate, wrongthink about COVID-19 policies and actions, positions on the Ukraine-Russia war, and now supporting the wrong group in the Israel-Palestine war. This too shall pass but not without a trail of relational destruction, moral injury and discarded truths.

It seems to me that we need diversions beyond ideological combat. It’s on us to check our egos, de-escalate charged emotions, seek connection with others who are morally unclear and resist divisiveness, disengagement and dehumanising interactions.

This piece is my attempt to contribute peaceful ways to navigate conversations with friends when one or the other is a member of a persecuted group. My personal goal is to preserve relationships that are meaningful and caring while resisting contributing to the outrage and tension all around me. I believe we can actively de-escalate tensions and charged emotions in our interactions with others.

You might think this is unrealistic or placating, or you might think it fits your situation. Take what you want, reject what you don’t. What I do know is that you’re unlikely to get through to anyone via verbal combat, especially online, unless you’re prepared to be reasonable, attentively listen and suspend expectation that the other will want to see things from your perspective. Mediating peaceful interactions requires emotional regulation and ego management through self-restraint.

Justice as a barrier to peace

I want to remind us of the Injustice Triad. As long as people are invested in the fantasy of justice based on a fabled liberated future that requires one group to submit to another, they are not invested in peace.

Depending on the role you place one group in in relation to yourself, or yourself in relation to others, you might notice increased tension and hostility in your interactions with friends, colleagues, associates and strangers online.

As a result, long term friendships become fractured because a member associated with a nation embroiled in war has become more sensitive to the way issues are now being discussed. Members can regress to survival mode narcissism for self-preservation. They can be unwilling, unable or incapable of considering that their friends don’t know the new rules of engagement and psychological tricks to navigate these emergent sensitivities. For example, a comment unrelated to the topic of war is seen as antisemitic or Islamophobic, or a non-member holding an unexpected position about the situation is experienced as betrayal. Cellular memories of persecution trauma have resurfaced making trust fragile and easily breached by not saying or doing the correct thing.

The divisiveness and name calling breed division, not solidarity during a time when preserving connection is vital for peaceful relations. We need to resist emotional manipulation that reel us into drama addiction, discharge millenia of collective trauma responses and draw on different strengths that promote connection. An ability to de-escalate charged conversations is a skill in demand right now.

Ten tips to de-escalate conflict during emotionally charged times

If your baseline emotional state is heightened right now, it’s likely that conversations won’t begin from a calm and grounded state. Discussing emotionally charged topics calls for de-escalation skills right from the start.

I have previously developed a list of ego management tips to navigate interactions with people who feature narcissistic traits; they like to be in control and habitually centre themselves. It’s harder to apply these tips when you’re being that person. So here are some tips to stop you from being that person while navigating interactions with those who see things differently to you. These tips are for you whether you’re a member or non-member of a persecuted group regarding your interactions with friends who are either members or non-members of a persecuted group.

1. Check in with yourself. If you’re feeling fired up, numb, deflated or sad, and you’re a member of a persecuted group, you’re going to feel more sensitive to other’s opinions and behaviours. Notice your emotions and therefore your likelihood of feeling triggered more easily. Be aware that these emotions are likely to spill out into your interactions.

2. Offload your thoughts and feelings about the situation. If you haven’t had a satisfying offload about your feelings with someone you trust and who can see things from your perspective, who can accept you and your position without trying to change it, avoid entering conversations on the topic with others. Dump your thoughts in a voice memo, journal or talk out loud to yourself. Get those thoughts and feelings out of your system.

3. Drop your expectations of reciprocity. You might expect your non-member friend to be aligned with you completely or to condemn terrorism. When they don’t, you might feel instantly betrayed or confused. If you’re usually the emotionally supportive friend, you might feel surprised when the emotional support isn’t reciprocated. Not everyone has the ability to empathise with your position or regulate their emotions when triggered by your position and your expectations of empathy. It doesn’t mean they’re now your enemy. They’re just not the right person to talk about this topic right now.

4. De-escalate when you notice changes in their affect and tone. Your member friend might be getting emotionally heightened. The same can happen to your non-member friend when you, a member of the persecuted group, are speaking passionately about your position. If you don’t want a battle, acknowledge their perspective and why they see things the way they do (even if you disagree) and gradually reduce the intensity of the conversation so they can self-regulate. If you notice your friend looks disengaged and is starting to check out, switch topics to something lighter or end the conversation because it looks like you both need a breather.

5. It’s not personal. You can only do the previous point with someone who seems insensitive to your feelings when you’re able to stay connected to your own reality. Everyone has their own version of reality. Many Expressing an opinion is a reflection of one’s worldview and values, or self-defence tactic when feeling threatened. It’s not the truth. Not taking things personally goes a long way to preserving friendships over egos.

6. Discuss other unrelated topics. Before you begin your conversation, let the other know that the topic is very present but you’re not in a position/headspace to discuss it.

7. Don’t assume you know what the other person thinks and feels just because you’re friends. If you want to truly know what someone thinks and feels, ask them. Then summarise your understanding of what they shared without adding your judgement or agreement. You can acknowledge someone’s perspective without needing to agree with it or convince them to change it.

8. Stop needing to be understood by others when they are dealing with their own cognitive dissonance and moral distress. It would be great if each of us could truly empathise with each other. It’s unrealistic to expect others to want to or have the ability to understand you when one or both parties are feeling threatened by public opinion and condemnation against their respective group. Some non-member friends will be incapable of showing love and consideration for a member’s pain. It’ll feel disappointing and eye opening about the friendship.

9. Stop needing to feel morally superior. It’s ego fuel for narcissism that won’t stop a war. If you feel like it’s hard to be around your friend who feels wounded by what’s happening in the world and are taking their anger out on you, you don’t have to be around them or provide the level of emotional support you normally would. Some friendships can benefit from taking space from each other from time to time.

10. Be ok to terminate a conversation at any point. Talking about a war isn’t going to end the war. Even if you began the conversation, it’s ok to end it.

War, crisis and societal instability can expose your own and other’s principles and worldviews that you didn’t notice before. Discovering that your friend is also ignorant about important topics can make you want to disengage and distance yourself from them. Some friendships have an expiry date. Noticing divergent values accompanied by hostile behaviour is one sign that the friendship is dying. Not all relationships can be preserved but the way we end a friendship can be done peacefully with wishes for each person to have peace, fulfilment and opportunities to develop wisdom.

Don’t let this war and other battles ahead kill your friendships. We need each other to successfully navigate relationships and life so we can each thrive. Human connection is our greatest weapon against threats to our humanity.

What are your strategies for preserving relationships? Comment below!

Thanks for reading, supporting, subscribing, sharing, and seeking to preserve connections that matter more than being right,

Nathalie Martinek, PhD

The Narcissism Hacker

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I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

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