How narcissistic people fool you (yes, even you) into trusting them

The Narcissist Playbook

I originally published this piece in 2022 when Tinder Swindler and Inventing Anna came out on Netflix. I’m re-releasing this lightly edited premium article to help readers identity the potential and actual narcissists in their life, including the ones who are protected and excused by people.

The Narcissist Playbook applies to intimate relationships, professional relationships, friendships and recruitment into a cult, elite institution, or political group. It is particularly interesting when you can apply this playbook to seeing how political leaders choose their running mates…or how their running mates are actually the ones doing the choosing.

I also discuss your vulnerabilities and risks to being fooled to trust anyone who was never going to be trustworthy.

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How to not be naive like red riding hood. Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

From the fairtytales and Fauxrytales of Hollywood featuring narcissistic saviours to friends to your workplace, there are many people in this world who believe they are superior to everyone else and this entitles them to have (ie. take) whatever they want.

This narcissism is sourced in greed - lust for money, fame, status, recognition, attention, and control of resources, including other people. It’s an unquenchable thirst for power over others to mask invisible wounds of insecurity, inadequacy, rejection and betrayal, or to maintain an addiction to feeling invincible.

Given that there are so many people who make a living by swindling, exploiting and manipulating others, some of these behaviours can seem familiar and normal to you about people you already trust. Some of these trusted people might do good things for others, have a good reputation, are well respected and still abuse their power privately with selected people.

I’ve deconstructed the narcissist playbook to help you work out if you’re already involved with someone, personally or professionally, who is taking advantage of your trust in them to drain you of your mental, emotional, financial, social, and spiritual resources.

I’ll go through each of the six steps of the playbook to describe the person’s intentions and behaviours to earn your trust. I’ll also describe how these translate to your feelings, beliefs, actions and willingness to trust them. I won’t refer to them as ‘the narcissist’ throughout this piece because that label might prevent you from detecting people who aren’t obvious narcissists ie. covert and communal narcissists.

The objective of those who follow the narcissist’s playbook is to own you so you give them everything they need for as long as necessary. Overall, they will recruit you through grooming, dominate the relationship dynamic, extract what they need, maintain control of their image at all times, and discard you when they’re done with you.

The Playbook Rundown

Step 1: Impression management to construct an illusion of power

There are two parts to this. Part 1 is what the person does before you encounter them for the first time. Part 2 is what the person does during and after the first encounter with you.

They first need to construct an identity and story of who they are. If they want people to believe they are wealthy, they will have all the showpieces of wealth - luxury clothes, cars, real estate, access to exclusive clubs and a network of VIP names they can drop. Some people will actually believe their own construction while the con artists will be aware they are being deliberately deceptive. There will be evidence of this wealth on various social media platforms as an influencer or through intensive networking. They will also have a story about their generational wealth or how they ascended the ranks with hard work and a need to prove themselves. They project an image of exclusivity, success, untouchability, magnetism, and intrigue.

There are countless people in their network who believe what this person says is true, who benefits from this person’s networks, and who fiercely protect this person in order to fiercely protect their own interests. They are the tools and the useful idiots who reinforce this person’s image and defends his/her reputation.

This is the foundation of the illusion they want you and others to believe is reality. They do this because they believe that this is what success is and what everyone (ie. their target) wants.

Now that their identity and story are constructed, let’s look at what happens when you interact with that person for the first time.

Step 2: Form a strong emotional bond with you

This person will use four grooming strategies to make you feel special so you will want to form an emotional bond and gain your trust:

1. Focused attention. Whether you know about the person before you’ve met them or discovering them for the first time, they have selected you to see if you will meet their criteria for investment in you. They will show interest in you and this (if they’re already on a pedestal) will make you feel special. They will show interest by listening attentively, complimenting your qualities and personal attributes, and letting you know that they would like to spend more time to get to know you better. The might also open up about themselves and share their spiritual beliefs, family values and tell stories that reinforce their constructed identity and display their generous spirit, emotional intelligence and kindheartedness. They also want to create an illusion of vulnerability and emotional depth. The effect of these behaviours is that you feel special and seen. They send a message of “I think you’re special and I want to trust you” so that you drop your guard and feel safe with them. They are taking the lead and you’ve been hooked by their confident initiative.

2. Lovebombing. Showing generous affection comes in many forms such as:

   • giving extravagant gifts and paying for expensive activities

   • excessive compliments

   • giving you access to their secrets ‘that they’ve never told anyone’

   • giving you access to their knowledge base, powerful networks or expensive possessions

   • invitations to exclusive events/training opportunities/travel opportunities

   • sharing spiritual guidance that resonates with your beliefs

   …all within a short time frame of having met you.

You feel like you’ve been swept up into a fantasy world or you’ll affirm that these opportunities are things that you’ve manifested through various efforts and that you finally have a lucky break.

3. Intimacy. The person orchestrates ways to be alone with you to continue to make you feel special while testing your faith in the identity and stories they’ve constructed. Intimacy can look like expensive dinners for two or an exclusive gathering of VIPs. They will open up further and give you deeper access into their soul and values. You’ll feel like you’ve known this person for longer than the time you’ve spent with them. You might think that they’re a soul mate or forces of nature brought you two together to do big things, or that you’ve been brought to them to contribute beneficially to their mission because it’s so important. And they’ll share similar sentiments about you.

4. Information gathering. While you think they’re sharing all their deep secrets with you, you’ll feel open to divulge all of yours. They might gently prompt you to open up about your past and your opinions about specific topics and you’ll feel so safe to bare your soul. Meanwhile, they are filing everything you share in their memory banks so that they can weaponise it against you when the time is right. You’re also gathering information about them, it’s just unfortunate that you believe they have integrity because you’ve begun to trust them and that they’re being as honest with you as you are with them.

The emotional bonding is now complete and you have been chosen, just not for the great things you believe are coming your way.

Can you see through this act?

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