Hacking Narcissism is an audience supported publication about navigating interpersonal narcissism in all areas of life. Your paid subscription supports protected time dedicated to research, analysis and the development of practical content to help us all successfully navigate situations impacting our lives. If you resonate with and value my work, please consider a monthly or annual paid subscription.
If a paid subscription isn’t an option for you right now, please consider sharing my content that resonates with your networks to support their efforts.
If you’re in a financial bind and would like access to some paywalled content about an issue you’re currently experiencing, email me here.
Friends come and go from your life and some might stick around for a long time. Some of those friendships are easygoing because you share similar interests or travel through life stages together.
There will also be some friendships that you believe are solid, until you discover that they’re not.
The usual complaint is that you noticed a gradual change in their personality and behaviour that makes it more difficult to feel connected to them, or the friend notices a similar change in you. After some attempts to address the change and impact on the connection, you come to the conclusion that the friendship in its current form is over. The friendship becomes an acquaintanceship that exists in the realm of likes on each other’s posts and occasional text-based check ins. You’re more likely to see each other at social events rather than catch up 1:1 as you used to do. There’s no bad blood between you too, just a different way of relating.
Then there’s the friendship that goes sharply downhill after you confronted them with the ‘you’ve changed’ conversation.
So, what happened?
They didn’t change - they were always this way.
They didn’t change but you ignored or justified their behaviour, believing they would never treat you the way they treated others.
They changed when they began a new relationship, joined a community or a new education/training setting.
You changed - you just can’t see it
The title of this article might imply to you that your sucky friendships are your fault. Nope, that’s not what this article is suggesting. The suggestion is that your experience of a friendship is an inside job and how your friend experiences the friendship is also up to them. I hope you can read this piece with that in mind.
1. They didn’t change - they were consistent
Your friend always seemed charming and entertaining, even when they were having a bad day. When you first developed a friendship, it’s because they took an interest in you and wanted to help you get through a challenge. As you got to know them, they told stories about their life that painted them as the victim of others bad behaviour, regaining the upper hand, schadenfreude and winning. Their stories, while entertaining, were also sometimes unsettling as they described what they did to others who dared crossed them, often involving threats of violence or reputation damage. Their stories never included narratives of their own bad behaviour and what they did to change. You were too busy being amused by these stories, and grateful for the attention they gave you to notice that they were friendship red flags.
What changed for you?