Global Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is June 1. There's an abundance of narcissistic abuse content and experts available online. However, there isn't nearly enough content about early prevention: awareness of one's risk of entering into an exploitative & coercive, relationship before signs of abuse emerge.
My work aims to fill this knowledge, theory and practice gap. You can develop discernment to know who will be a bad fit from the earliest encounters with them. You can find in depth, comprehensive content about interpersonal narcissism & early prevention throughout this Substack.
In the meantime, I’ll share some narcissism vocabulary and tips on standing up to a narcissistic leader at work.
A new manager starts at your workplace is your direct line manager. She’s friendly and warm, and puts a lot of effort into getting to know everyone. She seems genuinely interested in getting to know you and others so that you feel comfortable opening up to her about your thoughts and feelings. As she learns about the workplace culture and responsibilities, she demonstrates empathy as she grasps the underlying issues and staff concerns. You start to feel a sense of relief that this new person, an outsider, seems to be on your side wanting to use her influence to improve the state of affairs within your team.
As her workload begins to pile up, you begin to notice a gradual shift in her demeanour and treatment of team members. The warmth fades to an edgy cool as meetings and report writing dominates her time. She nitpicks about nonessential tasks and questions every expenditure. Pressure and input from above has shifted her narratives about the source of problems and approaches to resolve organisational issues. Before you know it, she’s targeted team members she believes are the source of problems, drops the warmth and curiosity she exhibited in the first few months and begins to micromanage targeted staff.
You’re one of the targets. You were key in early consultations about the workplace environment, culture and responsibilities. You were open about the strengths and barriers within the workplace that affected your work. You even shared about your personal life when she opened up a little about hers. You felt like you were on your way to a mutually respectful and trusting professional relationship that would enable solidarity while navigating changes in the workplace. You felt secure to openly challenge some of the strategies for change you presented and she expressed appreciation for being candid.
You believed you both achieved a flattened hierarchy and you were on your way to workplace improvements. You had not considered that the intel you were giving her would eventually be used against you to hold you accountable for her stress and for resolving workplace issues by completing demeaning and irrelevant tasks. The power imbalance widens as the targeting continues…
Does this sound familiar to you?
For readers who found this story familiar, you already know your fate in this workplace. If you’re seeing this story for the first time, you won’t necessarily spot the issue right away. You might also think that you can rectify things by over performing to placate this leader. Once a leader goes down the path of narcissistic leadership while in their role, they don’t ever come back without a concerted effort by an entire team to overthrow or resist their tyrannical leadership.
In reality, however, people in this team will not be treated equally by this manager because her leadership style will ensure a team hierarchy composed of most to least trusted based on who she perceives is most to least loyal. This is despite what the manager professes about her leadership or management practices. There are different practices for different Individuals on the team and only the targets will notice that difference. The treatment you receive by this manager will be experienced differently by someone else who isn’t troubled by her behaviour. What you see as red flags of micromanagement can be construed by your peer as conscientious leadership.
Unhealthy workplace teams are like dysfunctional families
Unhealthy workplaces are like dysfunctional families in that narcissistic leaders are similar to an authoritarian and/or emotionally manipulative parent and your colleagues compete for approval, attention and recognition by that parental boss figure. Like siblings, your colleagues can be great sources of support or gossip about you behind your back or throw you under the bus when they feel resentful. There’s often one or two favourites (Golden Child), a Black sheep (you), some invisible children who keep their heads down and are agreeable to everyone, and a few who traverse these different roles across the team hierarchy. Sometimes a Golden Child becomes a temporary scapegoat, giving you some relief, but that relief doesn’t last long because you seem to be a better scapegoat than they are. And most importantly, there’s an ally charged with keeping the narcissistic leader happy and pulls all the strings on the team members to make sure the narcissistic leader is happy, much like a spouse.
How does this happen?
We each have a relational blueprint. We are hardwired to be an authority in the room or seek the authority in the room to tell us what to do, depending on our roles and the work team culture. This influences how we act and respond to others who remind us of a parental authority and vice versa. Self-aware leaders are generally uncomfortable with being the default authority and would rather help team members grow in their confidence and competence as leaders in their roles. Many leaders who turn out to be narcissistic leaders claim to want the same thing as self-aware leaders but lack competence in enabling that growth for each member, including the ones they find challenging.