Oooofff…this piece!!! I could literally restack every paragraph, and even screenshot some to remember as I ready myself and my children to leave my abusive family of origin once and for all.
I will always say now that my mother groomed me for abusers. All the abuse I have endured has its origin in how she molded and shaped me to believe that was all I was worthy of….and in fact even lucky to have.
I have been unfucking myself out of the stealthy trap set by me by my family to keep me dependent… especially in the wake of exiting my abusive marriage. My children are the reason. I am not ashamed to say that before they entered the picture, I didn’t have a reason to fight against the abuse. I buckled under it and allowed for it to lead me into marrying an abuser too.
Finally seeing the family narcissistic system for what it is, and knowing I don’t want them growing up in a dynamic where such dysfunction is normalised is what kicked me in the ass to find some self-respect and self-love so that I could get us all the hell out of dodge!!!
Thank you for writing so bravely and passionately about these “taboo” topics. We need to all face these toxic threads that have held together the many narratives within the systems and institutions professing to protect us….starting with family.
Solarah - thank you for reading and for your enthusiasm about it. I wasn't sure how this would go down.
Children have a way of getting mums to drop the veils of illusion and wake the eff up. You have been unfucking your mind and deprogramming your conditioning to tolerate abusive conditions. You're a legend for getting out again and again, and making a way for you and your children to know you as the fierce, loving and protective mother. I honour your courage and wisdom.
Thank you so much Nathalie!! There is no going back now I see the truth. I was under so much confusion before and pressure to conform for “survival,” but now I’m an expert in seeing how they operate in their most covert attempts to disempower and undermine. My children helped me with that….with all the requisite shadow work that comes with motherhood, and with how they are bold in speaking the truth of what they see and feel too. They helped me know I’m not crazy…that it all was and is real.
Thank you for your work. You must have been through quite a lot to get where you are in your wisdom on this topic too.Thank you for using this wisdom to further educate and liberate. Love to you and yours 🙏🏾🤗🤗
No turning back Solarah! You can't unsee what you can clearly see over and over again.
I have a different family of origin story that is warm and loving. That's not to say it was absent of conflict, just not the abuse kind. I still had to mine the depths of my psyche because I had hardships that didn't make sense. I had to look closer at my dynamics with male and female authorities, beginning with my parents to work out my relational blueprint and make changes to it.
Shadow work, spiritual and energy healing, constellation work and spiritual practice (not conventional therapy) unlocked my own healing prowess and helped me become adept at pattern recognition. I wouldn't be able to write what and how I do without those tools...similar to you.
Children as catalysts for our own evolution and maturation. Even if people told me that before, it wouldn't have meant much then. Grateful for your precious babies and the power they brought out in you.
Thanks Nathalie!! Well done for doing the work. Children definitely are some of the ultimate catalysts for our evolution, and I believe our souls call them in for that exact reason. I have been in academia for a large chunk of my adult life too, but nothing compares to the pure gold I’ve accrued from the wisdom and lessons imparted by my children.
I think the truth is that we’re raising each other in different ways….and that is how it’s supposed to be devinely. The narcissistic constructs of our world have been designed to decimate that truth. For many of us, our children have older and wiser souls…even if we are old souls ourselves ✨✨
When my first child was born in 2006, I knew that the culture I observed was a reflection of mainstream childrearing, and so I rejected it all and started from first principles. I made a decision to prioritize becoming the best possible mother I could be, which forced me to reckon with the obvious reality that, despite the ubiquitous social platitudes, mothering is something that requires conscious commitment in order to do well, and it is absolutely possible, even fairly easy, to screw it up. I would use stronger language, in fact, and not casually- motherhood is something that one can readily fuck up without careful self-examination. A lot of other things had to fall away in order for me to do it, but I can say, honestly and with plenty of room for self-critique, that I succeeded in my task and it made me a better person in every possible way.
But it has also caused a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, because I so often feel uncomfortable with women I care about in conversations about child-rearing and parenting struggles (and with my own mother, who is, by every conventional measure, very good, but with whom I cannot be myself because I have had to re-invent who I am through my own journey of motherhood).
You are more awake than I was when my first child was also born in 2006. I was too stuck in academic life and staying afloat to think deeply about my strategies as a mother. You're so right about the requirement of making a conscious commitment to the practice of parenting as well as reflective practice to review and monitor the practice of parenting to minimize our fuck ups.
And this "I have had to re-invent who I am through my own journey of motherhood."
This journey that requires re-invention is not discussed thoroughly enough. So many women dive into motherhood without a clue that they will not continue as they were and they will need to give up many things they believed they could sustain.
Thank you Sarah for sharing your thoughts and experiences of your journey over 18 years!
Kind of a trip to have an 18 year old, isn't it? I look at him and think about how my life would have been different if I had known what he knows.
My kids were never enrolled in school, so I spent a lot of time in the highways and byways of homeschooling/unschooling, and it was obvious to me that there, too, there are many potential pitfalls (although on balance, even messing that up is better than the alternatives). And the knowledge that has grown in that process was the understanding that it was ALL my *own* work. Every thing that looked like it was about my kids was really about *me*. I had to break out, again and again, from what I thought I knew, in order to do better for them than I had done for myself.
I look at the world they are entering and think, "my parents' advice and models were not useful to me, and I had to break away from them in order to build the life of my dreams (which I have, for the most part, done, at least the important bits). Even moreso are my advice, and models, not useful to my children, who are entering a world where housing is virtually impossible to obtain in the old ways, where entry level employment doesn't cover the cost of living at even the most meager level, where 90% of the most "budget-friendly" food is poison, where to quote something I can't find, 'the American dream is to make enough money to live far away from the consequences of contemporary American urban politics'."
I've got nothing to offer them but the tools I have cultivated for my own journey. I certainly can't tell them how to do this next phase.
Thank you for sharing these insights. In Sweden, where I live, homeschooling is against the law - so it has of course never evolved. Still I am curious. How does your 18 year old feel about it? I would like to read children’s perspective about being homeschooled - many Americans seem very pleased?
Both my kids will say their childhoods have been pretty magical. My 18yo has had a job since he was 14, and my 14 yo has a job and a small business, but they both can still play like little kids. When Wallace doesn't know something, he sets out to learn it - he taught himself cursive in the past few months. They've learned how to be in their bodies and with themselves, how to figure out who they are and what they want, how to navigate social challenges and tell the truth. They are both much better people than I was at their age, and they make wiser decisions. I just wrote a post about this, actually. Let me find it.
Thank You! For taking the time. They seem unusually successful and the word magic is the finest praise for parents. May I ask? What did he use to write with before? If not cursive.
Regular print, but he had terrible handwriting! We never instructed the kids in a curriculum; we followed their interests. So, since no one wanted to practice writing much, it didn’t happen. He’s writing a book, but on the computer.
Then one day, he decided, he needed to know how to read cursive, and the best way was to learn how fo write it, so he got really into it. He’s an aspiring comedian, so he leaves hilarious practice notes all over the house.
Excellent piece! And yeah - if you think that your family is going to protect you once they learn you were sexually assaulted by another family member - good luck. My mom never blamed me but everyone else did and still do for that matter.
Sorry you went through that Penny. It’s a terrible thing to be victimised by those meant to protect you, and to then be retraumatised by the denial of “family,” and their siding with your abuser. I hope life now has you surrounded by beings who have shown you your worth and what true love is 🩵✨
Thanks, but no need to be sorry. I'm not. I went through a lot of shit and came out the other end stronger and wiser. I wasn't retraumatized by anyone's denial - that's the nature of dysfunction. I understand it and I understand me. That's how I found my worth. To embark on the journey of healing is a testament of true love.
Beautifully written! Such a taboo subject matter. Family dynamics can be so twisted that right is wrong and wrong is right. Having a narcissistic mother or a mother that scape goats you as the problem is more common and prevalent than anybody would like to believe. Throw in the constant family drama of the programming television and the abuse of women is literally accepted as fate. The golden children are often boys and suffocated and spoiled with the affection the daughter often craves. An the cycle repeats victims and bully's. It really is a deep dark rabbit hole. X
Thank you Zo Zo! It's wild that it's taboo given what's no longer taboo anymore (ie live public sex acts for Pride month). The Golden Boy and Black sheep daughters is a common story with predictable plotlines and endings.
The bio father should have gone over and killed the bastard. The mother (who I'm sure had her own issues/trauma) was a despicable excuse for a human being.
The daughter is the only one in this whole thing, who showed strength, courage and resolve.
Until we have the death penalty for child rapists, sodomizers and traffickers, children will continue to pay the price for our cowardice or apathy.
It's amazing to hear the radfems lament how women for centuries have suffered at the hands of the patriarchy, cruelly and unfairly - because it was not deserved. They moved heaven and earth to stamp out the abuse and oppression.
Where the F are they on this??? Where are the lobbyists, the million woman protests, the riots in the streets to stop this sexual abuse of children???
I don't put it all on them, men have failed too.
We all have, as a "civilized" society.
This is the one thing in the universe, that I have absolute zero tolerance for.
Why are we not demanding that this issue be at the top of any legislative process, across the country - until these scumbags cower and hide, for fear of being at the end of a rope?
Sorry, that just pissed me off for the day, but thanks for covering it. We need to be outraged about this as human beings!!!!!
While far less harmful, but still likely to draw the scorn of women, is the very common Martyrdom Complex a lot of new mothers form.
Not saying these women are narcissists, they are often not, but the behavior is narcissistic.
Don't get me wrong, childbearing is a bitch. I get it. But there is this identity that frequently forms with new mothers that giving birth is akin to terraforming Jupiter. This unimaginable accomplishment that she sacrificed her body, mind and soul for.
And then the praise doesn't come.
The women who came before, have been through this rodeo before, many times on more than one occasion. The women who have yet to be there, can't understand, and frankly don't care.
These women get the obligatory congratulations from people and the ones who care about her are there to assist and support, but that constant validation that somehow she did something unique doesn't come. Arguably, rightfully so.
Not sure why this is a thing. I suspect it is due to Isolation of women due to the separation of the extended family unit.
Once upon a time women would be accustomed to child birth. They witnessed their mother, aunt, cousins, sisters, neighbors, etc. give birth. They all helped out in the early stages of a child's life.
Now, with only one, maybe two spots reserved in the delivery room for dad and maybe grandma, the first time many women have experience with child birth is their own.
Also explains the neuroticism surrounding pregnancy. The first time mother industry is a massive money maker filled with every how to guide, new mother preparation course and unnecessary gadget.
Anyway, diatribe over. Perhaps an article idea for you.
I don't understand the father's reaction to this? What possible excuse does he have for not exposing this? Not going to the police? She was betrayed by both parents.
There's a few explanations, none of which are rational. WASPs are very concerned about their appearance to others. They would rather conceal abuse with justifications like 'it's not so bad' 'it'll stop' 'it's all in her head' etc than expose their dirty secrets and risk reputational ruin.
The father might have also felt threatened by Munro's current husband and didn't want to piss him off.
The father might have held onto the secret as a weapon to humiliate Munro later on.
Like I said, not rational but the irrational (fear, self-preservation) is often the decision maker.
We had to read her work for one of my high school English class in Toronto. I can't remember a single detail and had never been drawn to her work out of interest. It's disturbing that she profited and was rewarded for her writing on the ficitionalised abuse. You said it best - child sacrifice.
Perhaps Munro should have stayed with her daughters' father. This kind of abuse is often wielded by the stepfather. And in the case of boys, there are higher instances of physical and verbal abuse. But we're in an era of divorce entitlement that puts the children in two separate homes, and often reduces the authority of the biological father in favor of the given father. And the details matter. How long, how often, etc. This is not to strain credulity -- I did not grow up with my biological father and experienced four years of repeated sexual abuse (at least twice a week, probably more). I kept it to myself for years, until I was about 18 and blew up. When I returned home a few days later, my mother, looming in the door in wait, said to me: His hemorrhoids made him do it. In other words, she didn't want to believe it. Kind of like all the Democrats refusing to believe old Joe has dementia.
PS: This paragraph was difficult to parse due to confusing use of pronouns etc.
Two months after the death of legendary Canadian Nobel laureate short story writer Alice Munro, her daughter released the story of abuse by her stepfather when she was nine years old. When she told her father what happened, he didn’t do what normal fathers would do, which is to intervene, stop the abuse and report the crime to the police. He, along with all her other family members and kept the news from Munro. When she eventually told her mum in her mid-20s, her mother temporarily left and returned to him after he threatened to release photos of her daughter in his underwear to the press and that he would kill himself.
I wondered what went down between Munro and her ex-. Who initiated the divorce? My guess is that he got too dull for her and she needed some excitement once her career took off.
Your story about your own experience of abuse by your stepfather is heartbreaking. Mothers choosing abusive spouses is the worst betrayal.
Thank you Dog as well for your feedback about my use of pronouns. I've edited to make it clearer.
Regardless of the even worse choice she made in marrying her daughter’s abuser it seems to me that she was right to divorce her daughter’s father. His betrayal was every bit as bad as hers if not worse since he could have intervened.
I wouldn't be surprised that she left him because she was bored and wanted to hide in his pile of books. The vulnerable narcissist to her malignant narcissist.
Thanks for this. A really focussed article about the myth of perfect motherhood and how harmful motherhood can go unchecked. Now im tempted to add mother Teresa to my icon list.
Ok you’re correct; change the word to meanness. Does the mother as god complex justify meanness toward her? Is it possible the meanness comes from unconscious identification projection and unresolved issues related to other causes or shall we always assume the source of the adult daughter’s meanness is caused by the mother? So the mother is responsible and accountable, not the adult child? See the problem wherein all blame is lain at the mother’s feet. Mother is God. Mothers can’t win. Mothers carry the shit for all. Yes there are mothers who do as described here - are there also mothers who don’t but still are scapegoated regardless?
Thanks for clarifying. Yes- we tend to hold our mothers to a higher standard than our fathers. By having lower expectations for fathers, mothers carry the burden of perfection.
So meanness is not justified because a daughter isn’t getting her way but is more understandable when mum has betrayed daughter many times without repentance.
I am sure that people misunderstand women who were hurt by their mothers, and assume that all mothers are selfless. But I don’t think that awfulness like this is something that everyone experiences.
If a woman has a strong foundation, and a secure sense of self, why would her daughter be competition? Why would she not protect her daughter? Why would she want to be involved with a man who could hurt a girl so young in an unnatural way?
I think the response to the Alice story shows that many people in her shoes would never behave that way. Doesn’t it?
Very thoughtful take on this firestorm of indignation. Women are neither saints nor devils which seem to be the only choices on offer in most coverage of this sad story. Lies to protect the patriarch are ubiquitous in families, and sisters can be culprits too. Remember A Streetcar Named Desire? Stella betrayed Blanche for her man, surprising no one. Male protection is a valuable asset for women and having a man grants powerful status. We shouldn't be shocked when women look the other way and make excuses (Hilary) no matter who it hurts. Interesting how we focus our wrath on the female accomplices rather than the male perpetrators, though. Woody Allen comes to mind. Men are forgiven much more readily. Unfair that we coddle our men, but not irrational. We need them, still.
Very thoughtful summary too Brigid. You're so right. Men are the assets that require women's protection, for her own self-preservation. There are enough examples of that. Skinner's father and stepfather were condemned by the public but not more so than Munro. Had they intervened early, things could have been different for Skinner. But having a daughter who Munro saw as her competition made it easier to punish her by choosing her abuser. My conclusion is that they were all self-absorbed monsters.
Oooofff…this piece!!! I could literally restack every paragraph, and even screenshot some to remember as I ready myself and my children to leave my abusive family of origin once and for all.
I will always say now that my mother groomed me for abusers. All the abuse I have endured has its origin in how she molded and shaped me to believe that was all I was worthy of….and in fact even lucky to have.
I have been unfucking myself out of the stealthy trap set by me by my family to keep me dependent… especially in the wake of exiting my abusive marriage. My children are the reason. I am not ashamed to say that before they entered the picture, I didn’t have a reason to fight against the abuse. I buckled under it and allowed for it to lead me into marrying an abuser too.
Finally seeing the family narcissistic system for what it is, and knowing I don’t want them growing up in a dynamic where such dysfunction is normalised is what kicked me in the ass to find some self-respect and self-love so that I could get us all the hell out of dodge!!!
Thank you for writing so bravely and passionately about these “taboo” topics. We need to all face these toxic threads that have held together the many narratives within the systems and institutions professing to protect us….starting with family.
Solarah - thank you for reading and for your enthusiasm about it. I wasn't sure how this would go down.
Children have a way of getting mums to drop the veils of illusion and wake the eff up. You have been unfucking your mind and deprogramming your conditioning to tolerate abusive conditions. You're a legend for getting out again and again, and making a way for you and your children to know you as the fierce, loving and protective mother. I honour your courage and wisdom.
Thank you so much Nathalie!! There is no going back now I see the truth. I was under so much confusion before and pressure to conform for “survival,” but now I’m an expert in seeing how they operate in their most covert attempts to disempower and undermine. My children helped me with that….with all the requisite shadow work that comes with motherhood, and with how they are bold in speaking the truth of what they see and feel too. They helped me know I’m not crazy…that it all was and is real.
Thank you for your work. You must have been through quite a lot to get where you are in your wisdom on this topic too.Thank you for using this wisdom to further educate and liberate. Love to you and yours 🙏🏾🤗🤗
No turning back Solarah! You can't unsee what you can clearly see over and over again.
I have a different family of origin story that is warm and loving. That's not to say it was absent of conflict, just not the abuse kind. I still had to mine the depths of my psyche because I had hardships that didn't make sense. I had to look closer at my dynamics with male and female authorities, beginning with my parents to work out my relational blueprint and make changes to it.
Shadow work, spiritual and energy healing, constellation work and spiritual practice (not conventional therapy) unlocked my own healing prowess and helped me become adept at pattern recognition. I wouldn't be able to write what and how I do without those tools...similar to you.
Children as catalysts for our own evolution and maturation. Even if people told me that before, it wouldn't have meant much then. Grateful for your precious babies and the power they brought out in you.
Thanks Nathalie!! Well done for doing the work. Children definitely are some of the ultimate catalysts for our evolution, and I believe our souls call them in for that exact reason. I have been in academia for a large chunk of my adult life too, but nothing compares to the pure gold I’ve accrued from the wisdom and lessons imparted by my children.
I think the truth is that we’re raising each other in different ways….and that is how it’s supposed to be devinely. The narcissistic constructs of our world have been designed to decimate that truth. For many of us, our children have older and wiser souls…even if we are old souls ourselves ✨✨
Thanks for sharing.
When my first child was born in 2006, I knew that the culture I observed was a reflection of mainstream childrearing, and so I rejected it all and started from first principles. I made a decision to prioritize becoming the best possible mother I could be, which forced me to reckon with the obvious reality that, despite the ubiquitous social platitudes, mothering is something that requires conscious commitment in order to do well, and it is absolutely possible, even fairly easy, to screw it up. I would use stronger language, in fact, and not casually- motherhood is something that one can readily fuck up without careful self-examination. A lot of other things had to fall away in order for me to do it, but I can say, honestly and with plenty of room for self-critique, that I succeeded in my task and it made me a better person in every possible way.
But it has also caused a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, because I so often feel uncomfortable with women I care about in conversations about child-rearing and parenting struggles (and with my own mother, who is, by every conventional measure, very good, but with whom I cannot be myself because I have had to re-invent who I am through my own journey of motherhood).
You are more awake than I was when my first child was also born in 2006. I was too stuck in academic life and staying afloat to think deeply about my strategies as a mother. You're so right about the requirement of making a conscious commitment to the practice of parenting as well as reflective practice to review and monitor the practice of parenting to minimize our fuck ups.
And this "I have had to re-invent who I am through my own journey of motherhood."
This journey that requires re-invention is not discussed thoroughly enough. So many women dive into motherhood without a clue that they will not continue as they were and they will need to give up many things they believed they could sustain.
Thank you Sarah for sharing your thoughts and experiences of your journey over 18 years!
Kind of a trip to have an 18 year old, isn't it? I look at him and think about how my life would have been different if I had known what he knows.
My kids were never enrolled in school, so I spent a lot of time in the highways and byways of homeschooling/unschooling, and it was obvious to me that there, too, there are many potential pitfalls (although on balance, even messing that up is better than the alternatives). And the knowledge that has grown in that process was the understanding that it was ALL my *own* work. Every thing that looked like it was about my kids was really about *me*. I had to break out, again and again, from what I thought I knew, in order to do better for them than I had done for myself.
I look at the world they are entering and think, "my parents' advice and models were not useful to me, and I had to break away from them in order to build the life of my dreams (which I have, for the most part, done, at least the important bits). Even moreso are my advice, and models, not useful to my children, who are entering a world where housing is virtually impossible to obtain in the old ways, where entry level employment doesn't cover the cost of living at even the most meager level, where 90% of the most "budget-friendly" food is poison, where to quote something I can't find, 'the American dream is to make enough money to live far away from the consequences of contemporary American urban politics'."
I've got nothing to offer them but the tools I have cultivated for my own journey. I certainly can't tell them how to do this next phase.
Thank you for sharing these insights. In Sweden, where I live, homeschooling is against the law - so it has of course never evolved. Still I am curious. How does your 18 year old feel about it? I would like to read children’s perspective about being homeschooled - many Americans seem very pleased?
Both my kids will say their childhoods have been pretty magical. My 18yo has had a job since he was 14, and my 14 yo has a job and a small business, but they both can still play like little kids. When Wallace doesn't know something, he sets out to learn it - he taught himself cursive in the past few months. They've learned how to be in their bodies and with themselves, how to figure out who they are and what they want, how to navigate social challenges and tell the truth. They are both much better people than I was at their age, and they make wiser decisions. I just wrote a post about this, actually. Let me find it.
Here it is: https://thebigatlarge.substack.com/p/on-the-precipice
Thank You! For taking the time. They seem unusually successful and the word magic is the finest praise for parents. May I ask? What did he use to write with before? If not cursive.
Regular print, but he had terrible handwriting! We never instructed the kids in a curriculum; we followed their interests. So, since no one wanted to practice writing much, it didn’t happen. He’s writing a book, but on the computer.
Then one day, he decided, he needed to know how to read cursive, and the best way was to learn how fo write it, so he got really into it. He’s an aspiring comedian, so he leaves hilarious practice notes all over the house.
Thanks for sharing.
Excellent piece! And yeah - if you think that your family is going to protect you once they learn you were sexually assaulted by another family member - good luck. My mom never blamed me but everyone else did and still do for that matter.
Sorry you went through that Penny. It’s a terrible thing to be victimised by those meant to protect you, and to then be retraumatised by the denial of “family,” and their siding with your abuser. I hope life now has you surrounded by beings who have shown you your worth and what true love is 🩵✨
Thanks, but no need to be sorry. I'm not. I went through a lot of shit and came out the other end stronger and wiser. I wasn't retraumatized by anyone's denial - that's the nature of dysfunction. I understand it and I understand me. That's how I found my worth. To embark on the journey of healing is a testament of true love.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. Has really helped clarify some things about my own experience.
Happy for you ✨✨
Thanks 😊
Beautifully written! Such a taboo subject matter. Family dynamics can be so twisted that right is wrong and wrong is right. Having a narcissistic mother or a mother that scape goats you as the problem is more common and prevalent than anybody would like to believe. Throw in the constant family drama of the programming television and the abuse of women is literally accepted as fate. The golden children are often boys and suffocated and spoiled with the affection the daughter often craves. An the cycle repeats victims and bully's. It really is a deep dark rabbit hole. X
Thank you Zo Zo! It's wild that it's taboo given what's no longer taboo anymore (ie live public sex acts for Pride month). The Golden Boy and Black sheep daughters is a common story with predictable plotlines and endings.
The bio father should have gone over and killed the bastard. The mother (who I'm sure had her own issues/trauma) was a despicable excuse for a human being.
The daughter is the only one in this whole thing, who showed strength, courage and resolve.
Until we have the death penalty for child rapists, sodomizers and traffickers, children will continue to pay the price for our cowardice or apathy.
It's amazing to hear the radfems lament how women for centuries have suffered at the hands of the patriarchy, cruelly and unfairly - because it was not deserved. They moved heaven and earth to stamp out the abuse and oppression.
Where the F are they on this??? Where are the lobbyists, the million woman protests, the riots in the streets to stop this sexual abuse of children???
I don't put it all on them, men have failed too.
We all have, as a "civilized" society.
This is the one thing in the universe, that I have absolute zero tolerance for.
Why are we not demanding that this issue be at the top of any legislative process, across the country - until these scumbags cower and hide, for fear of being at the end of a rope?
Sorry, that just pissed me off for the day, but thanks for covering it. We need to be outraged about this as human beings!!!!!
While far less harmful, but still likely to draw the scorn of women, is the very common Martyrdom Complex a lot of new mothers form.
Not saying these women are narcissists, they are often not, but the behavior is narcissistic.
Don't get me wrong, childbearing is a bitch. I get it. But there is this identity that frequently forms with new mothers that giving birth is akin to terraforming Jupiter. This unimaginable accomplishment that she sacrificed her body, mind and soul for.
And then the praise doesn't come.
The women who came before, have been through this rodeo before, many times on more than one occasion. The women who have yet to be there, can't understand, and frankly don't care.
These women get the obligatory congratulations from people and the ones who care about her are there to assist and support, but that constant validation that somehow she did something unique doesn't come. Arguably, rightfully so.
Not sure why this is a thing. I suspect it is due to Isolation of women due to the separation of the extended family unit.
Once upon a time women would be accustomed to child birth. They witnessed their mother, aunt, cousins, sisters, neighbors, etc. give birth. They all helped out in the early stages of a child's life.
Now, with only one, maybe two spots reserved in the delivery room for dad and maybe grandma, the first time many women have experience with child birth is their own.
Also explains the neuroticism surrounding pregnancy. The first time mother industry is a massive money maker filled with every how to guide, new mother preparation course and unnecessary gadget.
Anyway, diatribe over. Perhaps an article idea for you.
Cheers.
Omg this - superiority martyr complex that’s eventually going to bite them where it hurts I see it in overprotective and perfectionistic parenting
And you haven't even mentioned the Munchausen mothers who trans their own daughters, thus eliminating them as sexual competition.
You're right, I missed that opportunity. Thanks for identifying that gap.
I hope it did not come across as a criticism! The Transhausen phenomenon would need a 10-part series.
It didn't at all. I'm grateful you mentioned it. Adam B. Coleman published a great piece about the phenomenon (MtF): https://www.adambcoleman.com/p/the-media-is-complicit-in-the-proliferation
I'm certain Josh Slocum has discussed it on his podcast and likely in a post.
I agree it does deserve in depth unpacking, including the role of fathers if there's one present.
I will have a look - thank you.
I don't understand the father's reaction to this? What possible excuse does he have for not exposing this? Not going to the police? She was betrayed by both parents.
There's a few explanations, none of which are rational. WASPs are very concerned about their appearance to others. They would rather conceal abuse with justifications like 'it's not so bad' 'it'll stop' 'it's all in her head' etc than expose their dirty secrets and risk reputational ruin.
The father might have also felt threatened by Munro's current husband and didn't want to piss him off.
The father might have held onto the secret as a weapon to humiliate Munro later on.
Like I said, not rational but the irrational (fear, self-preservation) is often the decision maker.
Always cordially loathed Monroe’s writing. Now I know why. The family sacrificed a child to her fame. Just yuck.
We had to read her work for one of my high school English class in Toronto. I can't remember a single detail and had never been drawn to her work out of interest. It's disturbing that she profited and was rewarded for her writing on the ficitionalised abuse. You said it best - child sacrifice.
Perhaps Munro should have stayed with her daughters' father. This kind of abuse is often wielded by the stepfather. And in the case of boys, there are higher instances of physical and verbal abuse. But we're in an era of divorce entitlement that puts the children in two separate homes, and often reduces the authority of the biological father in favor of the given father. And the details matter. How long, how often, etc. This is not to strain credulity -- I did not grow up with my biological father and experienced four years of repeated sexual abuse (at least twice a week, probably more). I kept it to myself for years, until I was about 18 and blew up. When I returned home a few days later, my mother, looming in the door in wait, said to me: His hemorrhoids made him do it. In other words, she didn't want to believe it. Kind of like all the Democrats refusing to believe old Joe has dementia.
PS: This paragraph was difficult to parse due to confusing use of pronouns etc.
Two months after the death of legendary Canadian Nobel laureate short story writer Alice Munro, her daughter released the story of abuse by her stepfather when she was nine years old. When she told her father what happened, he didn’t do what normal fathers would do, which is to intervene, stop the abuse and report the crime to the police. He, along with all her other family members and kept the news from Munro. When she eventually told her mum in her mid-20s, her mother temporarily left and returned to him after he threatened to release photos of her daughter in his underwear to the press and that he would kill himself.
I wondered what went down between Munro and her ex-. Who initiated the divorce? My guess is that he got too dull for her and she needed some excitement once her career took off.
Your story about your own experience of abuse by your stepfather is heartbreaking. Mothers choosing abusive spouses is the worst betrayal.
Thank you Dog as well for your feedback about my use of pronouns. I've edited to make it clearer.
Regardless of the even worse choice she made in marrying her daughter’s abuser it seems to me that she was right to divorce her daughter’s father. His betrayal was every bit as bad as hers if not worse since he could have intervened.
What I mean to say is: behaviour suggesting a weak and cowardly man with little integrity. Not exactly attractive qualities.
I wouldn't be surprised that she left him because she was bored and wanted to hide in his pile of books. The vulnerable narcissist to her malignant narcissist.
Thanks for this. A really focussed article about the myth of perfect motherhood and how harmful motherhood can go unchecked. Now im tempted to add mother Teresa to my icon list.
Thank you for reading! Please cover Mother Teresa in one of your narcissist exposes. I would LOVE to read your analysis on her!
An aside, what of an adult daughter as a mean woman toward her mother ? Does the mother as god complex justify the violence toward her?
No one is mean without a reason. I think it depends what we refer to as violence because meanness isn't violence.
Ok you’re correct; change the word to meanness. Does the mother as god complex justify meanness toward her? Is it possible the meanness comes from unconscious identification projection and unresolved issues related to other causes or shall we always assume the source of the adult daughter’s meanness is caused by the mother? So the mother is responsible and accountable, not the adult child? See the problem wherein all blame is lain at the mother’s feet. Mother is God. Mothers can’t win. Mothers carry the shit for all. Yes there are mothers who do as described here - are there also mothers who don’t but still are scapegoated regardless?
Thanks for clarifying. Yes- we tend to hold our mothers to a higher standard than our fathers. By having lower expectations for fathers, mothers carry the burden of perfection.
So meanness is not justified because a daughter isn’t getting her way but is more understandable when mum has betrayed daughter many times without repentance.
Yes I am speaking to when a mother has not betrayed her daughter without repentance and the meanness comes from a need to avoid self reflection.
I am sure that people misunderstand women who were hurt by their mothers, and assume that all mothers are selfless. But I don’t think that awfulness like this is something that everyone experiences.
If a woman has a strong foundation, and a secure sense of self, why would her daughter be competition? Why would she not protect her daughter? Why would she want to be involved with a man who could hurt a girl so young in an unnatural way?
I think the response to the Alice story shows that many people in her shoes would never behave that way. Doesn’t it?
You’re telling me!
This. Resonates.
Very thoughtful take on this firestorm of indignation. Women are neither saints nor devils which seem to be the only choices on offer in most coverage of this sad story. Lies to protect the patriarch are ubiquitous in families, and sisters can be culprits too. Remember A Streetcar Named Desire? Stella betrayed Blanche for her man, surprising no one. Male protection is a valuable asset for women and having a man grants powerful status. We shouldn't be shocked when women look the other way and make excuses (Hilary) no matter who it hurts. Interesting how we focus our wrath on the female accomplices rather than the male perpetrators, though. Woody Allen comes to mind. Men are forgiven much more readily. Unfair that we coddle our men, but not irrational. We need them, still.
Very thoughtful summary too Brigid. You're so right. Men are the assets that require women's protection, for her own self-preservation. There are enough examples of that. Skinner's father and stepfather were condemned by the public but not more so than Munro. Had they intervened early, things could have been different for Skinner. But having a daughter who Munro saw as her competition made it easier to punish her by choosing her abuser. My conclusion is that they were all self-absorbed monsters.