How to hack your own narcissism when triggered by another's narcissism
Reducing narcissistic tendencies
This is a premium piece that draws on my experiences of hacking my own narcissistic tendencies while learning to de-escalate and exit situations and relationships that would not change regardless of what I did. I also offer practical strategies that have helped many people liberate from the Dreaded Drama Triangle of high conflict relationships.
Narcissism and narcissistic traits intrigue us all. There are many groups of narcissism aficionados who engage their audiences and clientele to educate about narcissism.
One group composed of victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse impart knowledge from their experiences.
Another group is composed of practitioners trained in clinical and pathological narcissism. The provide therapy, coaching and/or educational support for clients/patients to identify and manage symptoms of narcissistic abuse when they’ve identified that their patient is indeed in such a situation (it’s surprising how many practitioners don’t know about narcissistic abuse).
Then there are people like me - a mélange of experience and practitioner supporting people to identify narcissistic behaviour, manage symptoms, analyse interpersonal dynamics, and apply specific strategies to change or exit the toxic situation.
The majority of publicly available narcissism awareness-raising information focuses on the extremes of behaviour because they are the most obvious to spot. My self-appointed job is to focus on the subtle behavioural patterns that fall under most narcissism-spotting radars and to share detailed knowledge, practice wisdom, and practical support to bridge the gap between awareness and action.
I’m about to say something that turn many people off and is something I tell everyone who asks for help to deal with a suspected bully or tricky person in their life.
You contribute to the toxicity present in a relationship.
I mean toxicity, not abuse.
I’m also not talking about a transaction on social media where you post something and someone with poor reading comprehension responds because they’re triggered and completely off base.
We are each capable of all forms of aggression, hostility, and manipulation to get our way. You might not know it, see it, or want to admit it. Yet, if you’re honest with yourself, you would admit that you don’t always behave your best with that person. There might be times that you couldn’t stop yourself from diverging from your principles and doing unto them as they’ve done to you.
People who admit they are partially to blame for their toxic encounters with someone they view as the problem feel frustrated when they can see the narcissistic play but don’t know what to do differently. They get stuck in a reactive state when they’re triggered and respond to provocation with defence mechanisms that fuel toxicity.
They remain trapped in the Dreaded Drama Triad destined to replay each role in a toxic drama with the other person. Here it is again.
What are triggers?
A trigger is a strong emotional response evoked by an interaction, event, or situation. The trigger can activate memories and emotions tied to past negative experiences, stress, or trauma and can elicit a reaction that seems disproportionate to the current triggering situation.
Types of Triggers
Emotional Triggers
Situations, statements, or interactions that provoke a strong emotional response, often linked to past experiences or unresolved feelings.
Examples: A comment that reminds someone of a past conflict, or a situation that evokes feelings of inadequacy or rejection.
Sensory Triggers
Sounds, smells, sights, tastes, or textures that evoke strong emotional or psychological responses.
Examples: The sound of a siren that triggers memories of a traumatic event, or a the scent of cologne that your bully wore.
Situational Triggers
Specific environments, scenarios, or contexts that remind you of a past traumatic or stressful event.
Examples: Returning to a place where a traumatic event occurred, or encountering a situation similar to one experienced during a stressful time.
Interpersonal Triggers
Reactions triggered by interactions with other people that might remind you of past relational dynamics or conflicts.
Examples: A certain type of communication or behaviour from others that mirrors past abusive relationships or unresolved conflicts.
Behavioural Triggers
Actions or behaviours that provoke a strong emotional response.
Examples: A partner’s repeated behaviors that mimics past abusive patterns.
Cognitive Triggers
Thoughts or mental patterns that evoke a strong emotional response or psychological distress.
Examples: Negative self-talk or ruminating thoughts that trigger feelings of anxiety or depression.
I want to simplify this and focus on a few trigger words that can set anyone off, including you. Before I list these words, I want to preface with an explanation about trigger words.