Christopher Rufo and Josh Slocum might have some decent insights if they could get off the "women are to blame for everything" train. I have watched a couple of Josh's videos. He is a bully. This was my first encounter with Rufo and it will be my last. IMO linking to their sites is condoning so I think I should leave this here:
And from Margaret Joe, a member of the Yukon Legislative Assembly,
a brief quote by Margaret Atwood.
“‘Why do men feel threatened by women?’ I asked a male friend of mine.
“‘They are afraid women will laugh at them’, he said, ‘undercut their world view.’
“Then I asked some women students, ‘Why do women feel threatened by men?’ “‘They are afraid of being killed,’ they said.”
Hansard transcript from the 2nd session of the 27th Legislature (December 5, 1990).
It is ironic that a piece encouraging the use of the word no would link to the blogs of two men who express their disgust with much of anything female at the same time they decry the loss of power men have suffered because of women. Want to be threatened? called a fucking bitch? publicly slandered, socially taunted and ostracized? It's easy - disagree with a man. Say no. Assert yourself with the naive view that you are safe doing so.
I'm a fan of their concept - Cluster B society/life - which is why I linked to their pieces. I'm not on board with women or men blame and I think it's helpful when people describe masculinisation/feminisation of traits or institutional features rather than men vs women. There are examples of women and men behaving badly and saying stupid things but blaming either/both for society's issues is wild.
Saying NO to those who don't like it will always have backlash. NO comes with caveats to expect shitty responses and retaliation from some people. In workplace situations where there is a clear power imbalance, NO might take on a different form (ie unfortunately, my schedule is full and cannot commit to that task).
Yeah, I posted that I was unable to speak up using my real name re: trans issues and Slocum took my head off, called me a coward. I have serious health issues and can't afford to lose my health care. Six figures of costs in two years. And this guy attacked me for not wanting to lose my job and I dunno, maybe end up without medical care about homeless. I agree that his Cluster B analysis is interesting, buy he's got his own behaviors to address.
He and others can feel passionate about specific issues that have been behind significant harm of others, including minors. It is unfortunate when there is incivility and hostility derived from a lack of understanding of the other's position and circumstances, as it taints prior positive interactions. I will say that I have consistently observed Josh correcting himself after misconstruing something someone said and apologising. He is also candid about the fact that he can be reactive because Cluster B behaviour is triggering (due to his family history). He openly and consistently shares his flaws and foibles genuinely with integrity that is a rarity among people with a large following both on Substack and X. I can give grace to someone like that because he's willing to reflect on his actions and course correct..or not because he was true to his principles. I have all the time in the world for people who want to become better while remaining true to their convictions so that they're never pushed off their centre again. Even if what they say seems harsh to me or even at me.
I wish you didn't have to hold things back to keep your job (I totally get it - I had to do the same until I had enough and I just resigned) and that your health was in a state that you could walk away from the job if it was the wrong fit. I wish we were able to discuss issues without the volatility that often accompanies them.
I appreciate that, thank you. It's a little hard to take when you're trying to fight cancer, but I hope someday we won't live in a world where we have to remain silent to remain alive.
That's excellent advice and No is a great response and I'm restacking this, thank you.
If you choose to raise your voice - edging into aggression from assertiveness, I know - I find that OUT is louder than NO; a tip I got from Best Paw Forward, a canine obedience class I took back in 20th-century Chicago. With practice I could break up dog scuffles; at the height of my powers - I had three huskies - it worked on drunk teenagers, no kidding. You needn't take my word, of course; a little A/B testing will tell you which works better for you and perhaps suggest alternatives. I find a bass growl works wonders, but that's, ah, eccentric.
As you age and hopefully gain some wisdom and no longer care what anyone thinks about you, it becomes easier to say no. One thing I say NO to is the endless advertising and marketing that seeps into every corner of my privacy. When I am ready to look into purchasing something, I will investigate its merits. Otherwise, all this advertising is something I am quite happy to ignore all the time.
I have said NO to the mainstream media for more than 20 years. Have I missed anything of importance? Nope. The real objective of saying no is to get rid of all the crap clogging up your life.
I couldn’t have come across anything better than this message in this moment. I’d restack every paragraph but instead I’m cross posting the whole thing. From the work environment to the relationships you hit everything on the head. Thank you.
I just had to save this post, I know I'm going to need to come back to it later. Thank you for sharing this! I love the NO list. There's some people in my life who do waaay too many of these things.
Any plans for an ebook version, Nathalie? Would love to buy but the cost of shipping the print book to Australia doubles the price. I also think if you had an ebook option it would sell like hotcakes! So many of us could benefit from it.
That's funny given what I said to someone last night which was "No nu nu nu nu nu o na na na no NO NO." .......about three times. She was coming at me with a metronome while I was playing the song we were rehearsing. Since our director wasn't there that night she decided she would direct me. PAH! I just kept playing. When she said it was too fast, I sped it up a bit. Trust me, if you knew all the back stories (which I will spare you...) you would know that as SOON as there is a lack of leadership she tries to take over. As SOON as you give her an inch she has something negative or PRIVATE to say about someone. She is relentless. Then she said "we should do #347 next" to which I replied. "okay everyone , open your hymnals to 123" .........N.....................o.....!
WOW! That's affirming. You are clearly qualified to give that advice. I thought about feeling bad for it because I am a forgiving creature and I lean that way, to compassion and lightheartedness. But I was in the midst of it, I didn't have time to make art out of it, and also I asked myself this question, "Amy, would you ever presume to interrupt a musician who is clearly leading the choir already to force a metronome in their face with your cell phone.?" Never. I would never presume to do that. Anyway, I forgive her, but I will not be giving inches. I really don't think she even gets it , really. There is so much good in her. I wish she would fix whatever that chaos is. May she find a balance. Thanks though for backing me up :) For the record, she does many wonderful things as well. Anyway :) *wink.
All Tue behaviors you mentioned I have witnessed. From the learned society that certified my training and the regulatory authority that licensed my trade. If you do even mild criticism you are subject to intersectional re-education.
Which is why I don't blog or write posts. I need the energy to do my job. And that is why there is no public dissent in my trade, in my nation.
Great work. This might be one of the most important topics out there. Conditioning people to tolerate abuse is evil IMO, and yet it viewed as the acceptable norm.
Great piece. I find the concept of assertiveness to be tremendously helpful. For instance, one is instructed to avoid aggressive driving. But, that is a negative. What should you do in a positive sense? There is no advice given. Share the road? I think a better way to frame it is: respect the rights of others, and drive assertively. It works for me.
I have to say no to mixing politics with psychiatry, psychoanalysis and psychotherapy. If you look at assertiveness from a political perspective, it is simply about power. You assert your own power. Silencing dissent or excluding people from a plattform is an act of power.
Wow Tom! I'm flattered and excited that you're continually working on yourself, developing necessary skills to advocate for yourself! I hope it's useful and please feel free to email with any questions or wonders about the strategies.
How great would it be if the series of "Nos" you offer could be posted on refrigerators everywhere, as regular reminder about boundaries!
Oooh merch ideas Gary! Thank you!!
Christopher Rufo and Josh Slocum might have some decent insights if they could get off the "women are to blame for everything" train. I have watched a couple of Josh's videos. He is a bully. This was my first encounter with Rufo and it will be my last. IMO linking to their sites is condoning so I think I should leave this here:
And from Margaret Joe, a member of the Yukon Legislative Assembly,
a brief quote by Margaret Atwood.
“‘Why do men feel threatened by women?’ I asked a male friend of mine.
“‘They are afraid women will laugh at them’, he said, ‘undercut their world view.’
“Then I asked some women students, ‘Why do women feel threatened by men?’ “‘They are afraid of being killed,’ they said.”
Hansard transcript from the 2nd session of the 27th Legislature (December 5, 1990).
It is ironic that a piece encouraging the use of the word no would link to the blogs of two men who express their disgust with much of anything female at the same time they decry the loss of power men have suffered because of women. Want to be threatened? called a fucking bitch? publicly slandered, socially taunted and ostracized? It's easy - disagree with a man. Say no. Assert yourself with the naive view that you are safe doing so.
I'm a fan of their concept - Cluster B society/life - which is why I linked to their pieces. I'm not on board with women or men blame and I think it's helpful when people describe masculinisation/feminisation of traits or institutional features rather than men vs women. There are examples of women and men behaving badly and saying stupid things but blaming either/both for society's issues is wild.
Saying NO to those who don't like it will always have backlash. NO comes with caveats to expect shitty responses and retaliation from some people. In workplace situations where there is a clear power imbalance, NO might take on a different form (ie unfortunately, my schedule is full and cannot commit to that task).
Yeah, I posted that I was unable to speak up using my real name re: trans issues and Slocum took my head off, called me a coward. I have serious health issues and can't afford to lose my health care. Six figures of costs in two years. And this guy attacked me for not wanting to lose my job and I dunno, maybe end up without medical care about homeless. I agree that his Cluster B analysis is interesting, buy he's got his own behaviors to address.
He and others can feel passionate about specific issues that have been behind significant harm of others, including minors. It is unfortunate when there is incivility and hostility derived from a lack of understanding of the other's position and circumstances, as it taints prior positive interactions. I will say that I have consistently observed Josh correcting himself after misconstruing something someone said and apologising. He is also candid about the fact that he can be reactive because Cluster B behaviour is triggering (due to his family history). He openly and consistently shares his flaws and foibles genuinely with integrity that is a rarity among people with a large following both on Substack and X. I can give grace to someone like that because he's willing to reflect on his actions and course correct..or not because he was true to his principles. I have all the time in the world for people who want to become better while remaining true to their convictions so that they're never pushed off their centre again. Even if what they say seems harsh to me or even at me.
I wish you didn't have to hold things back to keep your job (I totally get it - I had to do the same until I had enough and I just resigned) and that your health was in a state that you could walk away from the job if it was the wrong fit. I wish we were able to discuss issues without the volatility that often accompanies them.
I appreciate that, thank you. It's a little hard to take when you're trying to fight cancer, but I hope someday we won't live in a world where we have to remain silent to remain alive.
Amen to that
I remember reading that transcript a few years ago. Too true.
That's excellent advice and No is a great response and I'm restacking this, thank you.
If you choose to raise your voice - edging into aggression from assertiveness, I know - I find that OUT is louder than NO; a tip I got from Best Paw Forward, a canine obedience class I took back in 20th-century Chicago. With practice I could break up dog scuffles; at the height of my powers - I had three huskies - it worked on drunk teenagers, no kidding. You needn't take my word, of course; a little A/B testing will tell you which works better for you and perhaps suggest alternatives. I find a bass growl works wonders, but that's, ah, eccentric.
I wonder how the growl strategy will go down the next time I get hit on or in response to teenager demands. It's worth a try though!
OUT is something I use for intrusive thoughts when NO isn't enough. I agree it can be stronger.
We failed puppy school, likely because our NO wasn't consistent enough!
As you age and hopefully gain some wisdom and no longer care what anyone thinks about you, it becomes easier to say no. One thing I say NO to is the endless advertising and marketing that seeps into every corner of my privacy. When I am ready to look into purchasing something, I will investigate its merits. Otherwise, all this advertising is something I am quite happy to ignore all the time.
I have said NO to the mainstream media for more than 20 years. Have I missed anything of importance? Nope. The real objective of saying no is to get rid of all the crap clogging up your life.
Looking forward to the day when I completely don’t care. Getting closer daily and the trolls are helpful in breaking my give a shitter.
I couldn’t have come across anything better than this message in this moment. I’d restack every paragraph but instead I’m cross posting the whole thing. From the work environment to the relationships you hit everything on the head. Thank you.
That is quite an endorsement Tesstamona! Thank you so much for your enthusiasm and resonance with this work. I'm so glad for perfect timing!
I just had to save this post, I know I'm going to need to come back to it later. Thank you for sharing this! I love the NO list. There's some people in my life who do waaay too many of these things.
Great! The link in the post defaults to Amazon so I wasn’t aware of that. Will search the ebook up. Thank you!
Thank you!!!!
Any plans for an ebook version, Nathalie? Would love to buy but the cost of shipping the print book to Australia doubles the price. I also think if you had an ebook option it would sell like hotcakes! So many of us could benefit from it.
There is an ebook version and it’s available through Aussie online retailers (I’m in Australia!)
That's funny given what I said to someone last night which was "No nu nu nu nu nu o na na na no NO NO." .......about three times. She was coming at me with a metronome while I was playing the song we were rehearsing. Since our director wasn't there that night she decided she would direct me. PAH! I just kept playing. When she said it was too fast, I sped it up a bit. Trust me, if you knew all the back stories (which I will spare you...) you would know that as SOON as there is a lack of leadership she tries to take over. As SOON as you give her an inch she has something negative or PRIVATE to say about someone. She is relentless. Then she said "we should do #347 next" to which I replied. "okay everyone , open your hymnals to 123" .........N.....................o.....!
Never give her an inch!
WOW! That's affirming. You are clearly qualified to give that advice. I thought about feeling bad for it because I am a forgiving creature and I lean that way, to compassion and lightheartedness. But I was in the midst of it, I didn't have time to make art out of it, and also I asked myself this question, "Amy, would you ever presume to interrupt a musician who is clearly leading the choir already to force a metronome in their face with your cell phone.?" Never. I would never presume to do that. Anyway, I forgive her, but I will not be giving inches. I really don't think she even gets it , really. There is so much good in her. I wish she would fix whatever that chaos is. May she find a balance. Thanks though for backing me up :) For the record, she does many wonderful things as well. Anyway :) *wink.
I have always said:
"It is OK to say No".
Basically, do not feel trapped by guilt. If you think a yes will not do you any good, then default to No.
Good advice - and if you're not sure, it's also a no!
All Tue behaviors you mentioned I have witnessed. From the learned society that certified my training and the regulatory authority that licensed my trade. If you do even mild criticism you are subject to intersectional re-education.
Which is why I don't blog or write posts. I need the energy to do my job. And that is why there is no public dissent in my trade, in my nation.
Great work. This might be one of the most important topics out there. Conditioning people to tolerate abuse is evil IMO, and yet it viewed as the acceptable norm.
Some posts I skim and some I devour, and this one I devoured. You had me at “my own unwelcome personality traits”.
Great piece. I find the concept of assertiveness to be tremendously helpful. For instance, one is instructed to avoid aggressive driving. But, that is a negative. What should you do in a positive sense? There is no advice given. Share the road? I think a better way to frame it is: respect the rights of others, and drive assertively. It works for me.
😶🌫️
I have to say no to mixing politics with psychiatry, psychoanalysis and psychotherapy. If you look at assertiveness from a political perspective, it is simply about power. You assert your own power. Silencing dissent or excluding people from a plattform is an act of power.
Wow Tom! I'm flattered and excited that you're continually working on yourself, developing necessary skills to advocate for yourself! I hope it's useful and please feel free to email with any questions or wonders about the strategies.