Is it narcissism or distress?

Questions from readers

Apr 01, 2024

Questions from readers is a new series where I respond to reader’s questions about their relationship concerns and conflicts. This series aims to apply concepts raised in Hacking Narcissism educational content to help others gain additional perspectives about their concerns that they might use to resolve them. Readers have given me permission to post their de-identified, modified questions here. You’re invited to send me your questions in the comments below, Notes (tag me) or private message.

Question from a reader regarding changes in their teenager’s behaviour:

Hi there,

I stumbled upon this after a blow up with my 18 year old son. He’s still in high school and lives with us. I really related to a specific section of your post. I’ve loved him unconditionally as has his dad since he was born. He’s changed during high school, got in with a crowd of very wealthy friends, and is very intelligent. He’s (as I’ve been told by others in my life who know us) become self entitled and as of last night, verbally abusive. I don’t know if he’s a narcissist or how to deal with him increased demands for money and complaints about how we aren’t being good parents. He’s been given everything he needs plus many of his “wants” and I’m always coming to save him when he’s out of money or whatever but it’s never enough. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

My responses will cover the following contexts:

Parenting
Women in the workplace
Narcissistic relationships

Parenting

The teen years involve many developmental changes and it can feel difficult seeing your child’s personality change in unpredictable ways within a short time frame. When a child changes their personality after joining a new group, and they start to show narcissistic traits like entitlement, demands, insults, and superiority, I would suggest that he's in distress, not a narcissist.

Teen social life can become a priority during the teen years over their family life, especially if they know their parents will be there for them no matter what. They want to belong, feel accepted and approved of by their peers, and especially by the ring leader. In some cases, the authority and values of the friend group can replace that of his parents, at least temporarily. He might think he has to give the impression that he's on par with them, worthy of being in the group despite not having the same wealth. Keeping up with peers who have access to greater wealth is stressful and would bring up shame about not having the same things. He might be in a keeping up with the Joneses situation.

But when teens cross the line with disrespectful behaviour, the thing that doesn't help bring them back to themselves is giving in to their demands. They need to know there's a line and they don't get what they want when they cross it. Most parents are not an unlimited ATM machine that their teen can abuse and exploit. It might be that his financial demands are better met with him having a job to pay for his additional expenses.

If you can see his behaviour as a sign of assimilation stress (the stress of trying to fit in and be good enough) rather than being a narcissist AND that he needs appropriate consequences for crossing a line, you might be able to reason with him. Teens are into instant gratification and acceptance, and could have a number of reasons to feel resentful toward their parents. Parents eventually fall off the pedestal of greatness that our children once had us on, and some teens continue to feel bitter about our past transgressions that they have not yet been able to resolve internally or with the parent. Being able to ask him if everything is ok and to explore what's behind his recent escalation of demands and anger depends on the relationship you have with him. Just keep in mind that continuing to give into his demands (for whatever reason any parent might do it) can turn him into a bully. Once parents lose authority and respect and the teen starts to rule the family system, it can be difficult to get it back without additional support. It's hard to NOT give in but it's worth thinking about what's likely to happen if things keep going the way they are.

Women in the workplace

There is a phenomenon whereby seemingly mature and competent women who are known for their positive attitude and collaborative abilities gradually develop narcissistic leadership traits as they ascend the corporate ladder. These once patient women are easily triggered and intolerant toward women who don’t perform as they expect. These behaviours could be symptoms of assimilation stress rather than clinical narcissism.

Assimilation is a complex concept and process. I have used this word exclusively in other posts to describe a process in which a person suppresses undesirable personality traits and enhances desirable traits and beliefs to enable belonging and acceptance by a dominant group governed by morally questionable or immoral beliefs and behaviours. Moral erosion or immorality reinforcement is necessary to embody the desired traits, beliefs and behaviours of the culture. This coincides with identity erasure and reconstruction necessary for embodying a superior fantasy reality that also provides an escape from the shame of Imposter Syndrome that accompanies the assimilation process. The result of successful assimilation is the narcissism of self and collective moral and intellectual superiority that entitles members to spout the in-group propaganda and act out narcissistic behaviours in public. - from Narcissism is destroying us

Some of these women have to be good shapeshifters to stand out and compete for roles that become harder to access the higher they climb. Assimilating requires women to drop attributes seen as untrustworthy, weak and threatening while enhancing other attributes valued in the workplace culture. Women have developed perceptions of their competence and leadership by internalising beliefs and emulating behaviours that have been modelled by dominant figures who founded and shaped institutions - men and the women who succeed by being like them.

The process of assimilation, though mostly unconscious, can be distressing and manifest as aggressive, backstabbing and self-protective behaviours in workplaces. In a workplace where these behaviours signal productivity, loyalty, passion and drive, these women are protected from the consequences of their actions against ‘weaker’ women in the workplace.

I’m not condoning this behaviour especially since it contributes to a bullying epidemic throughout the workforce, nor am I suggesting that this is the only thing contributing to female aggression in the workplace and public service. Aggression can be a sign of distress and sadly many stressed out women are unaware of their own emotional state let alone its negative effect on others. The women who have enough of a moral compass to still listen to their conscience will experience burnout and need to take time off work to recover. It’s usually during this time that they are able to self-reflect and recognise that their stress levels turned them into monsters, hopefully taking steps to avoid repeating their actions if and when they return to work.

Narcissistic relationship

You noticed that a long time friend began to change once he or she started a new romantic relationship, joined a special interest group or entered an intense training schedule. The change in their personality, appearance, mannerisms and even in the way they spoke seemed to happen overnight. Within a month, you noticed that they went from acting predictably to being judgemental, disrespectful, arrogant and more snappy than you recall. You could forgive this behaviour a few times but you eventually start to feel devalued and disrespected enough to say something to your friend. When you do confront them, they snap back at you or laugh in your face. They accuse you of jealousy and that you’re the one with the problem, not them.

Not unlike the first scenario between a parent and their teen, this person could be in over their head in this new situation and are too proud to admit it, or they were narcissistic all along, you just didn’t notice it until it become a problem for you.

You can assert all the boundaries you like with this friend but you still won’t matter enough to them to get your old friend back. They found a shiny object to revere. It’s the new authority in their life and nothing will bring them down to Earth except their own fall from grace.

If you maintain enough contact with them, you might start to see a new set of unpredictable traits as they oscillate between sounding happy and sounding down from one encounter to the next. They’re increasingly irritable, disorganised and forgetful but won’t hesitate to snap at you if you express your concern for their wellbeing. They’re fine, very happy and have everything under control.

They’re not a narcissist and they’re not ok.

This could be a sign of distress possibly from being in a controlling relationship. They might not even be aware they’re in a controlling relationship because they’re stuck in a cycle of abuse that gives them the highs and the lows of addiction. The prospect of leaving might not have crossed their mind. If they’re so controlled because they’ve tied their future aspirations and identity to this relationship, leaving it isn’t even an option.

The best you can do if stay in contact and be that gentle reminder of their past self and perhaps reach out to their loved ones to share your concerns. If enough people in that friend’s life see them cracking, someone with influence can suggest they go to therapy, increasing the likelihood that your friend will discover the reality of their situation through the therapeutic process.

Was this article useful?

Do you have similar situation in your life? If so, do you think it’s narcissism or distress - and how do you know?

Feel free to add your own questions about a current situation you’d like me to respond to in my next Question from Readers instalment.

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I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

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