Trust and relationship repair after betrayal at work
Taking steps to repair broken trust
The greatest influence on wellbeing, success, happiness and longevity are stable and connected relationships. Trust and mutual trust is central to successful relationships.
Trust is the willingness to make yourself vulnerable to the person who has your trust because you believe and expect that their intentions and actions toward you are and will be benevolent for the duration of your relationship.
When trust is present in a healthy relationship with another person, both parties can be open and honest about their thoughts, feeling, beliefs and experiences without fear of judgement or criticism. There are a number of assumptions, rules and expectations that we make in a trusting relationship such as confidentiality, taking responsibility for wrongdoing, being able to disagree respectfully, collaboration to solve problems and conflicts, mutual support and regard for each other’s property, including intellectual property and unpublished knowledge. Unfortunately, assuming or expecting these things exist in a relationship, instead of making these terms and conditions explicit, even where there’s mutual trust, results in turbulence and instability in relationships.
Trust is not a binary on and off switch. Trust is something you do and it is a feature in healthy relationships.
Trust is a function of relational currency - as we deepen in our ability to know each other and make predictions about each other’s responses and reactions that signal safety and security, we can become more trusting and invested in the success of the relationship.
When you’re just getting to know someone, unless you’re an automatically trusting and open person (which I don’t recommend) or you allow your desire for what you need them to be to you cloud your reality, you’re going to discern their trustworthiness based on the effectiveness of your narcissism radar, the consistency of their behaviours and congruence between what they say and what they actually do or don’t do. They’ll be doing the same to you. The greater the relational currency, the more intimate, trusting and connected we feel to each other. Trust can and should take time to build and requires an ongoing commitment from both parties to sustain trust in a relationship.
Which makes it interesting that a single action that transgresses the expectations, rules or beliefs about the other can cause a rupture in the relationship, leading to loss or breach of trust. If the breach or betrayal of trust isn’t addressed and rectified by the wrongdoer, or in a conflict resolution process between both parties, the trust doesn’t automatically reform. The breach remains and will be compounded by further violations of trust leading to resentment, conflict, relationship breakdown and even revenge.
Wounds heal properly when the wound is cleaned and the factors that contributed to the wound are addressed and adjusted to prevent future wounding.
This is significant in our personal relationships and professional relationships, and also includes our relationships with communities, institutions and systems.
I had a conversation with a few people to address many questions they had about trust and relationship repair in workplace relationships, and how narcissism features in all of this.
Q: I’m struggling to understand how they can repair broken trust. Do you give them another chance and see what they do next? If trust is fractured in a work relationship, can it be repaired?
The person who betrayed trust needs to do the work to repair broken trust by showing genuine remorse for wrongdoing and desire to repair harm through continuous action. An apology alone and admission that they feel bad is meaningless without follow up action.
A recommended start is their own self-examination process, preferably supported by someone who can help them gain insight about what motivated their behaviour and develop clarity as to how their actions resulted in violation of trust and damage to the relationship.
Regarding giving someone a second chance, the benefit of the doubt or forgiving them - this is putting the onus on the wronged or hurt to alleviate the shame and guilt associated with the wrongdoer’s transgression.
The responsibility to process their feelings associated with their own moral violation, their misguided actions and to mend the relationship lies squarely with the transgressor, not the victim. The wrongdoer who expects their victim to ‘let it go’ after they’ve given an apology and their word that they won’t do it again is likely to transgress again because they’ve failed to truly understand the impact of their action and take genuine accountability for it without expectation that the victim should absolve them of their wrongdoing.
Question: What about when it’s a colleague who betrayed my trust? How do I continue to work with them if all they did was apologise?