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THE O.M. said some wise things that totally resonated with me that I'll share here:

"The only thing that is of any consequence at the end of the day, is how anyone decides to react to their said right or wrong situation. So whether you call it 'revenge' versus 'payback' or 'karma' it comes down to; "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -newton's 3rd law. Think before re:acting. Being vengeful defines you not the other person."

Food for thought

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Oct 6, 2022·edited Oct 6, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

I was also thinking about this topic on Yom Kippur!

The desire for revenge is a symptom of unforgiveness (the blame game!).

Forgiveness is the act of cancelling relational debts. "You don't owe me anymore." This is little more than deciding that the past will no longer pollute one's present. It is not "letting them off the hook," because justice is between them and God (Proverbs 20:22)

Most of the time, the angry person is the only one who carries around the burden of wrath.

Now for the cliché: “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Here's one of my favorite resources on this topic:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B487M8KEkpHZbDBWSVAwYTctZW8/view?usp=sharing&resourcekey=0-nWIbugPSebp585j7I2HXrw

transcript:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12XalDQ236SJH8EnWVEWR-Lqf_yTR_9mHJt3OnSBky1Y/edit?usp=sharing

cheers!

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author

Thanks Andrew! I tend to steer away from interpretations of scriptures because so many passages have been used to victim blame and justify abuse within religious institutions. I don't agree that forgiveness cancels relational debts especially when the debt was incurred by harmful actions of another person who has not done the work to atone and repair the relational wound. Anger is a natural expression of boundary violation but I also agree that hanging onto it without discharging the emotion can become poisonous to the person. Overall, the need/desire for revenge and seeing the other hurt the way you've been hurt or a punishment that restores relational equilibrium is very much part of human nature, so I wouldn't want to deprive people or shame people (myself!) of tapping into that yearning for justice. I just wonder how it can be done without putting the onus on the victim of abuse/harm/bullying to be charitable to the other while still holding pain.

Thank you for provoking my thinking Andrew and for the links to your resources!

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Oct 5, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

This universe has balance.. in other words you get back what you put out. You do wrong by people, you will pay in the long run. Someone does me wrong, while the desire to see them pay is both strong and immediate - it comes from weakness. A loss of control, the feeling of being a victim, and wanting to seize back control are all strong, but specious desires, not to mention bottomless pits. Better to let go, move on & let the universe handle it IMO.

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Thanks Bagholder for weighing in with some sensible guidance. Consequences of actions will always be a thing so rather than feel like you need payback, you describe how feelings driving our actions reap consequences we won't want or like. Some self-restraint with the letting go is in order! Thank you!

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Oct 5, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

I can't remember who said the best revenge was to live well, or maybe I made it up, but I have found that moving on and finding another team, who are the polar opposite of the old, toxic team, is the best revenge. I may not be seeing the impact on my bullies, but I am living my best life, without a backward thought to them. I can't even be bothered to join them at a gathering next week, to show them I have recovered. Life is too short. Why would I go back when I can stay where I am wanted and I belong?

The question is, why do we feel the need for revenge? To achieve closure? To feel good about ourselves? I have achieved both of those by moving on. All I have now for my bullies is mild pity that they needed to be so twisted and nasty to achieve their aims. A sense of fulfillment and peace is the best revenge.

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Hi Hayley! The best revenge is to live your best life (at least that's what I'm writing in my next piece). You are absolutely living your best life without giving the bullies any significance. It's like an inadvertent payback that doesn't cause harm to others while allowing yourself the opportunity to take risks and grow despite the harm caused you.

Why does anyone feel the need for revenge? I think our egos are still bruised and want others to see us the way we want to be seen. We want others to know that we were hurt by others who slandered us. We want a way to assuage the pain that persists through a fantasy version of justice.

I love this statement "A sense of fulfillment and peace is the best revenge."

Absolutely.

Thank you Hayley for your wisdom!

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Oct 7, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

Thanks Nat. Your wisdom was invaluable in the final stages of the process. Today I was able to pass on the wise words of a former mentor of mine: "no it doesn't get better, but we get stronger in dealing with it. We carry our hurts around with us in an Invisible bag and some days it's just too heavy to lift. But over time it gets lighter, and we realise eventually that in it are the tools we need for managing our lives. I would not be without my bag today because it makes me who I am."

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I so love this Hayley - it's so heartfelt. I'm glad you can be there for someone else in their time of need to help them make sense of their hurt and the strength it can become. Thank you!

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Oct 5, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

I've been struggling with this issue for several years after therapist abuse. And finding that this behavior is her business model that is a mixture of: Life coaching, classic therapy and underground psychedelic facilitating designed to create strong transference and financial taking.

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Hi Rachel,

It's the hardest when the abuser is someone who continues to 'care' for others, knowing they're capable and likely to do the same thing to others as she did to you. This type of exploitation is abhorrent. Many people write to me about their experiences of therapist abuse because the trauma bond is still present even after terminating/being terminated from therapy. Getting closure is so difficult.

Licensed therapists can be reported to their regulatory body for abuse and it really helps if there are others who can also report.

I'm sorry Rachel. Narcissistic therapists as you know are the worst.

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Oct 5, 2022Liked by Nathalie Martinek PhD

My wife started intensely studying “K-dramas” so I will ask her. So funny that you mentioned this niche popular media

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So many K-dramas to watch...so little time! I hope she has some insight to offer these questions (and you too!). Thanks Lawrence!

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