How to protect yourself from a toxic collaboration
The False Sisterhood Playbook
This article delves into how envy can escalate into bullying within women’s professional and social networks, uncovering the hidden motives behind certain collaboration requests and offering strategies to protect yourself from knowledge vampirism. While this piece primarily focuses on woman on woman aggression, its insights are also relevant to men. It has been updated from an earlier version published two years ago, now including fresh perspectives and examples.
We’re told that women support women. That we uplift each other. That sisterhood is stronger than competition. But what happens when that bond is a façade and supporting your work is really about extracting your knowledge, controlling your access, or positioning themselves above you?
If you’ve ever felt blindsided by someone who once praised you or were excluded after being admired, you’re not imagining it. These patterns exist and they follow a playbook.
Paid subscribers can access a guide for preventing toxic collaboration and templates to strategically decline invitations. If a paid subscription isn’t an option right now, sharing this piece helps more women recognise and navigate these dynamics.
The False Sisterhood
The False Sisterhood thrives on appearances rather than genuine connection. It promotes the illusion that women always uplift and support each other when in reality, it often masks competition, control, and strategic exclusion. In these dynamics, collaboration is a calculated move to extract value, maintain social dominance, or position oneself above others, not mutual growth. The women who operate within the false sisterhood weaponise support to gain access to your knowledge, ideas, and social capital, while maintaining the façade of solidarity.
In toxic collaboration, the invitation to work together often serves as a cover for knowledge vampirism so that one person benefits disproportionately while the other is subtly undermined. The False Sisterhood relies on unspoken rules: don’t outshine the dominant members, don’t question the extraction, and don’t rock the boat by calling it out. Those who comply are temporarily included and anyone who asserts boundaries or challenges the imbalance faces social punishment through exclusion, smear campaigns, or covert sabotage.
How narcissistic behaviours fuel competition and control
Narcissistic behaviours are survival adaptations to earlier life adversity, relational trauma and emotional wounding. These can be seen as self-protective behaviours when a person is feeling unsafe or threatened and becomes emotionally dysregulated. They react as if they need to defend their honour, protect their constructed view of reality or their existence by controlling others and/or their environment.
Narcissistic behaviours are attempts to restore control and stability in relational contexts that threaten safety, security, status and power. They have specific characteristics described here. These behaviours also attempt to soothe feelings of powerlessness, inferiority, and shame that arise during instances that disrupt comfort to intolerable levels.
These feelings frequently show up in competitive environments like a workplace, sports team, business network, frenemy group or online social network. Since the nature of a competitive environment pressures people to win, only one can be the winner and everyone else loses. In a competitive environment, there’s no “when one wins, we all win”. Even when the group claims that they’re all in it together, just knowing there can only be one winner will ignite Tall Poppy Syndrome and Imposter Syndrome among members of that group.
Shame is a powerful emotion. It’s what you experience when you feel inadequate, insecure and inferior when comparing yourself to another person or group of people.
The feelings that arise when you compare yourself to another person can be magnets for other emotions, like jealousy, self-righteousness, resentment and envy. These emotions are strong on their own. Put them together and you have a powerful and intoxicating elixir that can drive decisions and behaviours that wouldn’t normally occur.
From admiration to aggression: a toxic invitation
I’m about to invite you to try something different.
It’s very easy for us to put yourself in the shoes of someone who is on the receiving end of bad behaviour while reading informative or educational pieces about bullying, aggressive behaviour and anything to with narcissistic behaviour. You read the content and think “that’s happened to me!” or “that’s what’s happening to me right now!” and you can easily recall the times when you’ve been the victim of a perpetrator’s actions.
Given that we each possess narcissistic traits, because that’s what you and I draw on to protect and defend ourselves against perceived threats, including when the threat is our own feelings of insecurity, inferiority and shame in competitive and hierarchical relationships/situations, it’s highly likely that you and I have been perpetrators too.
But since being a perpetrator has some really negative beliefs and narratives about it, you and I are less willing or interested in putting ourselves in the shoes of the perpetrator. Being the hypothetical perpetrator can make you feel exposed and ashamed. It’s natural to feel resistance when confronted with behaviours we’d rather not see in ourselves. But by exploring these patterns honestly, we can prevent them from playing out in our relationships.
The problem with resisting this exercise is that you rob yourself of the opportunity to become aware of problematic behaviours that might be negatively impacting others. You deprive yourself of the opportunity to disrupt unhelpful behaviour patterns and apply different responses in the future. So with this in mind, I invite you to put your perpetrator hat on as we dive into this scenario and see what happens.
You’re a woman with professional qualifications (ie. an Academic, therapist, lawyer, physician, organisational psychologist or entrepreneur) who produces content that you publish in a number of places, like social media, a newsletter, video channel and books. Or you might only use one social media platform consistently to share content, view others’ content, build a network/community and source clients. You have a following and you’re always looking to scale up and make your work more visible and accessible to your target audience.
One day you start to notice someone who publishes similar content that overlaps with what you talk about, you’re impressed with how she’s executed her message and really resonate with it. You wonder what else she’s saying and when you peek at a few more of her posts, you agree with what she’s saying, and admire the depth and clarity of her message. You also notice her post is getting a lot of engagement and enthusiasm. You begin to feel strong sensations in your body and thoughts swirling around in your mind. There are a number of emotions running wild but you’ll only notice that you feel inspired and excited about new opportunities.
You decide there’s an opportunity here to combine powers to produce something cool together, so you get in touch and invite her to consider working on something together.
This seems pretty standard for confident women who go after what they want, right? Taking initiative and asking for what she wants assertively are valued attributes in the world of doing business, and are required in a competitive landscape in order to achieve status, success and respect.
What we’re missing from this story is what’s happening under the surface motivating the decision to want to join forces with this person you don’t even know and to take action toward that goal.
Let’s rewind the scenario to the point where you’re feeling strong sensations in your body and thoughts swirling around in your mind. I mentioned above that when you compare yourself to another person, it can invoke thoughts and feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and inferiority that are all associated with the emotional state of shame. Shame can also magnetise envy and resentment. These thoughts and feelings inform how you perceive yourself in competitive situations and environments that compel you to assess your attributes and competence against hers.
The Shame & Envy Checklist
Admiration: You appreciate and value what she produced. Her content really resonates and you acknowledge she knows her stuff.
Inspired: You want to connect with her or more of her content so you can learn from her. This is the feeling that anchors a desire for collaboration.
Affirmed: What she says is similar to what you think/believe and what you currently say to others, what you imagine you would say if you produced content on that topic or what you would want to have said to your audience.
Inadequate: You feel a lack of attention from others who matter compared to her. “I’m not good enough because my similar content never got that attention, or if it did, I can’t remember or I’m devaluing it right now.”
Inferior: You devalue your own expertise, knowledge and accomplishments to date. “She says it better than I ever did/could.” “I’m doing it all wrong.”
Insecure: You fear losing territory, audience, loyalty, attention, interest and followers to her “This woman is in my lane and threatens to take down what I have built up for myself.”
Self-doubt: You begin to doubt that you have the ability to stay in this game because there’s always someone shinier and better who will come along. “I’m lost. I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing anymore.”
Envy: You want the attention, loyalty, interest, opportunity and possessions you perceive she has/is receiving from others.
Self-righteousness: You’re suspicious about her integrity and whether she’s truly qualified to produce that content that resonates and is in the same territory as yours. “Who is she anyway to produce this content? She doesn’t have the same qualifications or expertise I do or doing this as long as I have!”
Resentment: You’re feeling all the feelings above because of all the attention she’s getting from others and you want it to stop.
You’re in this situation feeling and thinking all of these things. It feels so uncomfortable that you want to take action to alleviate the discomfort and return to an emotional state where you feel more in control.
The 3 responses to shame
You’ll notice all of the feelings and thoughts above and instantly recognise that this is shame that was sparked by comparing yourself to another person, and wanting to be ‘the best’ (the winner!). You will sit in the discomfort and remind yourself of who you are, what you’ve accomplished and that you’re not in a competition with this woman who is virtually a stranger to you. You’ll employ some breathing and grounding techniques until you return to your centre. The discomfort passes.
You might or might not notice these uncomfortable feelings and react to suppress them by criticising, distracting or numbing yourself. You might call up a friend who could do with your help, grab a snack even though you’re not hungry or call yourself an idiot for being such an incompetent person, followed by a tirade about everything wrong about you.
You might or might not notice these uncomfortable feelings and react to try to shut down the person who made you feel this way so you no longer feel of the shame that you associate with them.
Option 1 requires self-awareness to be able to respond to the uncomfortable sensations and resist reacting to suppress them or project them onto her.
Options 2 & 3 are automatic reactions to the feelings that are not in your awareness.
Option 2 is self-punishment as a form of corrective action.
Option 3 is punishing the other as a form of self/turf protection and corrective action for getting in your way.
Pursuing option 3 is the act of aggression that can eventually escalate to bullying.
How comparison fuels the False Sisterhood dynamic
You have a motive buried deep in your psyche that impulses you to take her down. You’re likely unaware of this motive or if you are aware, you’re not admitting it to yourself. You prefer to see the ideal version of yourself as a collaborative and cooperative person who is taking initiative to create an opportunity that will be mutually beneficial. Even though you don’t know much about her work aside from some of the things you’ve seen and she’s virtually a stranger, you have a good feeling about this and you’re giving her your attention by taking a risk on her.
“…You decide there’s an opportunity here to combine powers to produce something cool together, so you get in touch and invite her to consider working on something together.”
Your enthusiastic invitation will be to join your podcast, Q&A session, interview, provide info for you training cohort, collaborate on a piece of writing, or a project. The ask is that you want her to share her knowledge on a topic you’re excited about or currently exploring, and you will offer up your platform and audience for her.
But since you’re unaware that your hidden motive is to combat the feeling of inferiority by creating a situation in which you can become superior and thus eliminate your competitor, you won’t be able to see that if she takes you up on your offer, you will become a Knowledge Vampire.
When collaboration is code for extraction
Knowledge vampirism is a form of aggression that masquerades as collaborative and cooperative behaviours driven by envy, inferiority and insecurity. Your intention is not to hurt her or even remotely malevolent. You truly want to believe that your intention is to do something exciting together that will benefit a target group.
Unfortunately, you won’t be able to suppress your insecurity until you encounter a situation (or you make one happen) for you to feel superior, dominant, authoritative and in control. And that can only happen once you know all the things she does about the topic, subject or project of interest AND there’s a product of your combined efforts that you can use to your advantage. Once you have extracted everything you need from her, you will find reasons to discontinue the project and the relationship.
The knowledge extraction and co-production process might not always end with getting what you want. The project will get interrupted when she starts to suspect that your motives are not what you claimed, she notices that your attitude and tone have changed because you’ve become demanding or domineering, and she starts to ask some questions or give feedback about you that you didn’t expect. If you think she’s being ungrateful for the opportunity you’ve given her, you’re going to feel defensive, exposed, ashamed and pissed off.
At this point, something snaps and you switch from being a knowledge vampire into a bully, because you’re the one who feels wronged. You’re the victim! You will begin to plan her exit from the project and retaliate by inviting other worthy candidates to complete the work that you initiated, behind her back. You will find ways to undermine, criticise, and gaslight her while disrespecting and devaluing the knowledge she shared with you that you praised earlier on, because it was already stuff you knew.
You can see how this can escalate further into smear campaigns and other vengeful tactics if she pushes back against your bullying behaviours.
Let’s pause here for a moment.
I invite you now to notice any reactions or sensations you feel in your body. What are your thoughts about the content you’ve read? About the perpetrator?
What things are you now aware of about yourself as the perpetrator that you didn’t notice before?
Is there anything you need to do about this awareness or insights? Feel free to comment below or ask any questions.
The False Sisterhood Playbook
The False Sisterhood Playbook is a predictable pattern from engagement to extraction to discard. Men can also be perpetrators of knowledge vampirism but leverage a different authority than the sacred sisterhood to extract your goods.
Here are the steps of the False Sisterhood Playbook when you’re the target (take the perpetrator hat off):
Sense of entitlement to your work - The person sees your concepts/work/
publication somewhere in print, in social or professional networks or anywhere online. She feels a sense of entitlement to your work because it’s her area of training, related to her identity/experiences but isn’t known as an expert in that specific subject matter, but would love to be. She might have said the things you’ve said in her own way and it’s as if you two have the same expertise that warrants a collaboration.
Lack of previous interaction - You have never interacted with her in a dialogue, you haven’t been introduced by a mutual connection or if you were introduced, the mutual connection doesn’t know her very well. She might have commented on your posts but you didn’t really notice.
Initial contact through unsolicited channels - She initiates contact via social media private messaging or wherever she can access your contact details. She praises your work, claims to love what you do, and that her work overlaps with yours.
Overly casual invitation - The invitation to collaborate is informal, lacking clear details, and addresses you in a casual manner, sometimes without even using your name.
Self-promotion dominates the message - If the invitation is a private message, it might be a straight up request to do something together with nothing else about her. If it’s in an email, it’s a longer message that also includes a description of her accomplishments, follower count on a platform, and mentions her audiences or communities. She might mostly speak about herself, her qualifications, work and activities. She’s signalling her clout, social proof, and influence.
Assumptions about you and your needs - The message seems to make a number of assumptions about you. It’s clear to you that she reached out without having done her research on you.
Assumptions the Knowledge Vampire makes about you:
you’re relatively unknown or really well known
you need her to expand your reach
you want to access her audience
her audience is your audience
you want what she wants (out of the collaboration, professionally or ideals about success)
The proposal feels one-sided - The proposal involves collaborating on a project, a podcast, or a casual conversation to share ideas. The collaboration involves exposure to her audience, either explicitly shared or implied by casually mentioning her massive subscriber count. She might offer a small fee or vague promises of promotion.
Tone of superiority - Some invitations have a tone of superiority that can imply that she’s doing you a favour. Her tone, message content and what she isn’t saying exposes assumptions she has about herself.
Assumptions she makes about herself:
She’s all about The Sisterhood and that women want to lift each other up
She is really persuasive and influential
Her audience is easily influenced
Knowing about the topic and having studied it for qualifications is equal to embodying knowledge and having practical wisdom on its application
Agreeing with concepts she heard/read is the same as if she’s said it herself (because they have the qualifications) and therefore gives her ownership of the content/it’s ok to claim she came up with the concept
Expectation of collaboration - She will sign off with an expectation that you will want to connect and work with her.
If you do decide to collaborate because you don’t know or notice the Playbook, you are likely to experience one or all of the steps of the knowledge vampirism process. Briefly, the steps include strategic extraction of your body of knowledge, undermining and distancing herself from you, exclusion and social punishment if you notice what she’s done and resist. A detailed breakdown of the steps are found in my seminal piece on Knowledge Vampires.
This cycle keeps False Sisterhood members in control, ensuring they benefit from collaboration without true reciprocity. Understanding these tactics allows you to see through the illusion and protect yourself from being used as a stepping stone.
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