The power of being real over being positive
toxic positivity vs being realistic
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“She’ll be right, mate.”
You’ll hear this statement of optimism often here in Australia in response to someone’s disclosure of a problem to express the belief that whatever sucks now will right itself later. While this belief could be true, it doesn’t reflect the present reality for this person and comes across as apathetic and dismissive in a situation that calls for a supportive response that reflects an emotional connection between the two people.
I recently published a popular piece on toxic positivity to expose the issues about being inappropriately positive when attempting to soothe someone who is upset about their current circumstances. The impact that toxic positivity has on the recipient can leave them feeling ashamed, judged, invalidated and betrayed, regardless of one’s intention to be helpful. I highlighted that we leap to positivity in response to our intolerance to discomfort with the other person’s emotional state. Our own discomfort can unintentionally result in unnecessary self-defensive, self-protective and dominating behaviours that lie along the narcissism spectrum.
Toxic positivity has been around for centuries and reflects cultural attitudes and beliefs that promote having a stiff upper lip, soldiering on and enduring hardship as morally superior and necessary for survival. You’re resilient if you can suppress emotions, remain stoic while seeing every situation from a glass half full perspective.
These attitudes have also emerged as by-products of the self-help-personal development-wellness industrial complex promoting the importance of happiness, gratitude and equanimity despite one’s shitty circumstances, institutional abuse and structural oppression. It prevents acknowledgement of difficulty and powerlessness in favour of a false heroic self who can conquer all. It justifies self-denial, self-abandonment and invalidation of our own unwanted feelings to fabricate a reality inhabited only by those who embody a superior mindset and attitude.
How is this different to those who reactively employ narcissistic behaviours as self-defence against assaults to their worldview, feelings of inadequacy and shame in an attempt to preserve their preferred self-image?
These habitual behaviours have also become embedded in how we respond to others when they express uncomfortable feelings. You’ll hear these toxic positivity terms used by many well-meaning healers, therapists, friends, family members, teachers, coaches, managers and political leaders to try to motivate a positive attitude and behaviour change. Emotional and spiritual bypassing might provide short term relief but unexpressed and unprocessed emotions will eventually need an outlet that can come out in explosive, damaging and destructive ways.
Being human while having tolerance for feelings and experiences that can feel intolerable is really hard. The ability to remain alongside someone having a tough time let alone remaining present with our own tough moments doesn’t come naturally. The ability to tolerate the spectrum of human experiences is a result of developing empathy and compassion - products of ongoing exploration and examination of our own behaviours and motivating beliefs, thought patterns and unconscious beliefs. Without delving into our psyches to develop increasing tolerance to and value for all emotional states, we’re less likely to tolerate being with others when they seem irrational, emotional, distressed or unreasonable.
I also want to acknowledge that the ability to genuinely connect and engage someone to explore their experiences without immediately leaping to fix their situation or offer advice requires a number of skills that are not innate, especially in a society that seeks quick fixes and employs suffering avoidance behaviours in hope of living our best life.
Skills that promote emotional connection and avoid shaming
Below is a typical scenario (thanks to ChatGPT) of someone in distress disclosing her problem to a friend. I share four different ways that her friend might respond that attempts to provide comfort. I provide a detailed analysis about the motivations and assumptions behind each response, then describe the skills needed to progress from using toxic positivity to being real and connected when supporting the other person.
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