How relationship loss can set you up to trust untrustworthy people

Toxic Relationship Death: The Aftermath

It’s great to have checklists and information that deconstruct the phases and stages of relationships that signal abuse of trust. But there’s also danger in blaming the other person for your misfortune and overlook your role and the circumstances that resulted in emotional bonding with someone who has taken advantage of you.

What would make someone untrustworthy?

The obvious answer is that they break promises, make excuses, are inconsistent and don’t demonstrate integrity. You might tolerate these behaviours once you’ve already formed an emotional bond with them because their other attributes outweigh their flaws…for a while anyway.

An untrustworthy person does all the things in the Narcissism Playbook. They paint pictures of the reality they think you want and the reality they believe they inhabit so that they can woo you, bond with you, exploit you, extract your resources and discard you.

What puts me at risk of trusting an untrustworthy person?

Short answer: loss

Loss comes after an ending - a death, ghosting, exits, departures, completion or a long absence.

Loss is an awareness of the void that remains (paradox!) by the absence of that relationship or thing, and its role in your life. The absence of that relationship can also be experienced as a disruption and destabilisation of your comfort zone, what is certain and known in your everyday life, as you’re thrust into a new reality with a void caused by that loss.

Some examples of endings:

• death of a parent, sibling, close family member, loved one or pet (regardless of your feelings for them)

• medical diagnosis

• job loss

• theft of valuables, including intellectual property

• end of therapeutic treatment ie. cancer treatment

• relationship (personal or professional) break up or ending

• divorce

• leaving a profession

• retirement

• leaving a toxic personal or professional relationship

• being cast out of a community, including one’s family

• moving house, city or country by force or by choice

• becoming a parent

• menopause

• adult children leaving home (empty nest)

• a child individuating and becoming more independent

• a traumatic event

Each of these losses have the potential to affect your identity - how you see yourself, the connections that provide security, stabilise and influence you, and your confidence in navigating life’s uncertainties. If you do not have sufficient support to take you through a transition from old reality to new reality and to support the integration of this change from old you to new you, you will try to fill the void caused by the absence of that thing and the role it played in your life by replacing that relationship rather than healing the void.