This is a good piece and representative of large scale patterns going on in 2022. Many feel they encounter toxic narcissism from relationships to governments, corporations, institutions today. Not to mention that our slick, media driven and social media-centered environments selects for toxic narcissism.
Glad to see this essay as I have been writing about this subject since 2020 - sure what we are living through is times of out of control toxic narcissism. I have a new one in progress. It is so everywhere it is hard to limit the subject to one essay.
Oh man, and the amount of narcissists in Disney movies that often even turn out to be the “hero” in said movie. Giving the idea that one can actually change them for the better, or that they will somehow change their behavior for the good of humanity 🤦🏻
“Not to mention that our slick, media driven and social media-centered environments selects for toxic narcissism.”
That is so on point, the outcome usually is a bunch of people screaming “hey YOU! you look at ME!”.
“I went to visit X or Y landmark” becomes a thread of pictures where said landmark is tiny or occluded on the image and the person itself takes 95% of the picture frame.
Spot on!! I do also want to add another type of narcissist; the victim narcissist. They have most these red flags but they turn everything their way to be seen as the victim and get attention that way. My mom was one of those. They often create conflicts in order to manipulate around so they are deemed a victim. They also take most everything personal, twist your words so you start doubting yourself. Anyway, thanks for your writing! ❤️ It’s so important for awareness that they are exposed.
Good article and good advice. My advice is generally to avoid pathological narcissists/Dark Triad types full stop. If you cant avoid, and must deal like in the workplace, your four points are very good.
I’ve had quite a few narcissists in my life, and these posts of yours are very helpful. It’s like seeing a map and realizing, ah-- I’ve been there before.
In releasing myself from formal work structures and starting my freelance ore rice I’ve significantly reduced my exposure to narcissists. But of course, as is the way of these things, a doozy has popped up right in the centre of the world of my most important client and it’s not a person I can avoid. So, as always , a super timely post !
Firstly thanks for sharing, I found 9/13 points that match one of my friend in a group of friends. How to maintain a healthy relationship with this particular person since they are also my closed friend? Sometimes the way they talk or express their denigrate that hurt my feelings and I just decided to ignore it, but still it felt uncomfortable and I don't want it to keep happening this way.
Hi Thai - thanks for your comment. Someone you consider close who is hurtful is not going to get easier. If you've tried to raise the issue with them and they haven't responded in a way that let's you know that your feelings matter to them, then I don't think anything will change. It might be worth asking yourself why you consider them a close friend and how does their friendship benefit you? Are there other friendships that provide the companionship you need without the hurt - and if so, why this one?
I have considered them to be a close friend for a long time. I thought very simply that may be their personality was about being a big brother/sister to everyone else, to be a helpful and supportive friend; until recently I discovered about Narcissism and they started to act more aggressively; just like what you wrote in other articles. Part of the reason is I started to be better in some area and achieved more things, and I realized that they are trying to reclaim their position in which they should be more superior than me.
I read another post from you about ending a relationship and yeah I think that might be necessary and I am considering it.
Thanks again for sharing this topic. It's very useful!
Exactly - it's a game of maintaining your energy levels and your peace. #4 is not about dimming your light to diminish yourself so that they always have the spotlight. It's suggesting to not be the one with all the knowledge and ideas, especially since they'll take credit for all of it or pass it off as their own. Keep your good ideas to yourself and share them with the right people instead.
If only it were so easy. I used to share ideas in the open with colleagues present but they all were succumbing to the boss so it was irrelevant. Eventually, I had to leave work and ended up in a new place and it was the same set up. Colleagues afraid of boss and agreeing to any nonsense. My struggle was surviving in prolonged exposure to such bosses and in the fakeness of it all while maintaining integrity and my own light. I could not do it if I wanted to come out whole from it. Any advice is welcome. Thank you for the tips.
Your workplaces sound like a LinkedIn forum. It's a tough one because no matter where you go, you're confronted with these narcissistic leaders. The best thing is to do your work well without needing to play games to gain favour or approval from the bosses. Be cordial, respectful, friendly without needing to be open about yourself. It's a job and hopefully you have other outlets for meaning and fulfillment outside of work.
Hahahahaha! I don't use LinkedIn even though friends says I should. I left both places, but the experience has certainly damaged me and I'm working on healing from all that. You are right! That's a job at the end of the day. The point is it never dawned on me to call the bosses as narcissistic but some friends did. Highlighting this as you do in this post, is very important. Thank you again.
LinkedIn is entertaining if you can play spot the faker, the gurupreneur, the performative empath and the wannabe elite and I’m certain it will remind you of the workplaces you left behind. I hope you have great supports for your healing process and you never have to work under a narcissistic leader again.
Narcissism can be a double-edged sword. While hubris is bad, people who are egotistic and self-assured can sometimes be beneficial to society. Private vice, public virtue. Any thoughts?
I'm not sure egotistical behaviour is great for society. I think society celebrates those who come across as self-assured and conflates it with competence. I think self-assuredness is a positive trait, whereas egotism is selfish, self-serving and unnecessarilyl arrogant (if they truly competent). Private vice eventually becomes public vice!
That's a very good point! Competence and confidence are completely different; you can easily have one without the other. But self-assured people—i.e. people with "ego"—tend to take more risks, assume leadership roles, and accomplish beneficial tasks for society. Somebody like Steve Jobs or Elon Musk, all of them have big egos. But good point, thanks for your response!
As of 2025, Elon Musk is basically engaged in threatening Medicaid, and destroying our public health system, dismantling USAID and betraying our historic allies. As of March 11, the Department of Education is shut down, and half its staff are similarly fired by Musk acolytes who likely have no idea of what they do and why.
This is the ultimate outcome of not just tolerance, but the nurturance and lionization of narcissism in US society—the hostile takeover of the US government, using the vulture capitalist playbook of assimilating, dismantling and selling for parts of institutions that others built, and that people depend on.
Thank you Doctor. Excellent advice...especially the bit about eliminating an expectation of ethical conduct. When you know that this individual considers lying to be a survival strategy and also an inalienable right, it changes your perspective. My aging narcissistic parent has lost her ability to cleverly construct her lies because senility has slipped in. Now it is constant dishonesty, making statements that are ridiculous and almost laughable. Her mask of sanity has slipped and she can't get it back on. It's interesting to witness this.
I suffer from a propensity to give people the benefit of the doubt—but thankfully have a reflexive recognition of the behaviours you describe so well. Perhaps coming from that propensity—though it may not matter in a given situation—I wonder whether the narcissist is self-aware. Is the behaviour so much a part of the way this individual perceives the world that s/he is merely navigating in this unfortunate frame, or is it a conscious, deliberately applied set of strategies and tactics? Your insights most welcome.
As I say, perhaps it does not matter on the ground. One's own capacity to navigate an environment with such characters is very much dependent on the recommendations you list. As an added observation, having worked within different cultures internationally, some of the characteristics we see in narcissistic individuals are "built-in" to certain expectations of rank / hierarchy and failure to exhibit them can be "evidence" of incompatibility of an individual with her/his rank. Servant leadership, for example, is a hard sell in certain environments that seem to adopt such behaviour thinking that rungs of the ladder require a rather brutal control.
5. Move on if your circumstances permit. If they do not, affiliate with others. This is protective UNLESS you gossip about the narc, which will backfire, as moles are everywhere.
This is a good piece and representative of large scale patterns going on in 2022. Many feel they encounter toxic narcissism from relationships to governments, corporations, institutions today. Not to mention that our slick, media driven and social media-centered environments selects for toxic narcissism.
Thank you KW Norton! The patterns are everywhere!
Glad to see this essay as I have been writing about this subject since 2020 - sure what we are living through is times of out of control toxic narcissism. I have a new one in progress. It is so everywhere it is hard to limit the subject to one essay.
I'm glad more people are writing about narcissism in society and zooming out to show the bigger picture.
Oh man, and the amount of narcissists in Disney movies that often even turn out to be the “hero” in said movie. Giving the idea that one can actually change them for the better, or that they will somehow change their behavior for the good of humanity 🤦🏻
You are correct they seem all too unable to change or to want to change.
Not sure why Disney lifts them up so much
Fits the cultural Marxism of the WEF agenda.
One more reason for me to not to watch disney!
Besides, I get enough of this in real life…don’t need to watch it on the screen.
“Not to mention that our slick, media driven and social media-centered environments selects for toxic narcissism.”
That is so on point, the outcome usually is a bunch of people screaming “hey YOU! you look at ME!”.
“I went to visit X or Y landmark” becomes a thread of pictures where said landmark is tiny or occluded on the image and the person itself takes 95% of the picture frame.
I *LOVE* no. 5 on the list. The myriad ways to say sorry-not-sorry. I ran across a great one today: “No one is more sorry than I am.”
So good. 🤣
Spot on!! I do also want to add another type of narcissist; the victim narcissist. They have most these red flags but they turn everything their way to be seen as the victim and get attention that way. My mom was one of those. They often create conflicts in order to manipulate around so they are deemed a victim. They also take most everything personal, twist your words so you start doubting yourself. Anyway, thanks for your writing! ❤️ It’s so important for awareness that they are exposed.
Thanks Iris! I have a written a few on covert/vulnerable narcissism and victimhood. Lots of territory to cover!
Ah! Yeah I just discovered your account so I haven’t read everything previously written yet; I will for sure read more of your previous work as well!
Thank you for reading it and for your interest! ! You can start your exploration here:
https://nathaliemartinekphd.substack.com/p/narcissism-and-narcissistic-behaviours?utm_source=publication-search
Oh SO true!! The poor me now do things my way….
Good article and good advice. My advice is generally to avoid pathological narcissists/Dark Triad types full stop. If you cant avoid, and must deal like in the workplace, your four points are very good.
I’ve had quite a few narcissists in my life, and these posts of yours are very helpful. It’s like seeing a map and realizing, ah-- I’ve been there before.
Thanks Karl! I'm glad these posts are resonating and reaffirming the patterns you've noticed along the way!
This is so very good! Practical and actionable insight on dealing with the highly narcissistic person.
In releasing myself from formal work structures and starting my freelance ore rice I’ve significantly reduced my exposure to narcissists. But of course, as is the way of these things, a doozy has popped up right in the centre of the world of my most important client and it’s not a person I can avoid. So, as always , a super timely post !
Also I’m a bad typist at times. I meant to say freelance practice
Firstly thanks for sharing, I found 9/13 points that match one of my friend in a group of friends. How to maintain a healthy relationship with this particular person since they are also my closed friend? Sometimes the way they talk or express their denigrate that hurt my feelings and I just decided to ignore it, but still it felt uncomfortable and I don't want it to keep happening this way.
Hi Thai - thanks for your comment. Someone you consider close who is hurtful is not going to get easier. If you've tried to raise the issue with them and they haven't responded in a way that let's you know that your feelings matter to them, then I don't think anything will change. It might be worth asking yourself why you consider them a close friend and how does their friendship benefit you? Are there other friendships that provide the companionship you need without the hurt - and if so, why this one?
I have considered them to be a close friend for a long time. I thought very simply that may be their personality was about being a big brother/sister to everyone else, to be a helpful and supportive friend; until recently I discovered about Narcissism and they started to act more aggressively; just like what you wrote in other articles. Part of the reason is I started to be better in some area and achieved more things, and I realized that they are trying to reclaim their position in which they should be more superior than me.
I read another post from you about ending a relationship and yeah I think that might be necessary and I am considering it.
Thanks again for sharing this topic. It's very useful!
It's all about navigating around them as if it were a game. Number four is very relevant but you can't dim your light for too long either, or can you?
Exactly - it's a game of maintaining your energy levels and your peace. #4 is not about dimming your light to diminish yourself so that they always have the spotlight. It's suggesting to not be the one with all the knowledge and ideas, especially since they'll take credit for all of it or pass it off as their own. Keep your good ideas to yourself and share them with the right people instead.
If only it were so easy. I used to share ideas in the open with colleagues present but they all were succumbing to the boss so it was irrelevant. Eventually, I had to leave work and ended up in a new place and it was the same set up. Colleagues afraid of boss and agreeing to any nonsense. My struggle was surviving in prolonged exposure to such bosses and in the fakeness of it all while maintaining integrity and my own light. I could not do it if I wanted to come out whole from it. Any advice is welcome. Thank you for the tips.
Your workplaces sound like a LinkedIn forum. It's a tough one because no matter where you go, you're confronted with these narcissistic leaders. The best thing is to do your work well without needing to play games to gain favour or approval from the bosses. Be cordial, respectful, friendly without needing to be open about yourself. It's a job and hopefully you have other outlets for meaning and fulfillment outside of work.
Hahahahaha! I don't use LinkedIn even though friends says I should. I left both places, but the experience has certainly damaged me and I'm working on healing from all that. You are right! That's a job at the end of the day. The point is it never dawned on me to call the bosses as narcissistic but some friends did. Highlighting this as you do in this post, is very important. Thank you again.
LinkedIn is entertaining if you can play spot the faker, the gurupreneur, the performative empath and the wannabe elite and I’m certain it will remind you of the workplaces you left behind. I hope you have great supports for your healing process and you never have to work under a narcissistic leader again.
Thank you for the suggestions of things to do differently, I'd highlight one, but I cannot- all 4!
Super helpful, thanks so much Nathalie!
Thank you Barbara!
Narcissism can be a double-edged sword. While hubris is bad, people who are egotistic and self-assured can sometimes be beneficial to society. Private vice, public virtue. Any thoughts?
I'm not sure egotistical behaviour is great for society. I think society celebrates those who come across as self-assured and conflates it with competence. I think self-assuredness is a positive trait, whereas egotism is selfish, self-serving and unnecessarilyl arrogant (if they truly competent). Private vice eventually becomes public vice!
That's a very good point! Competence and confidence are completely different; you can easily have one without the other. But self-assured people—i.e. people with "ego"—tend to take more risks, assume leadership roles, and accomplish beneficial tasks for society. Somebody like Steve Jobs or Elon Musk, all of them have big egos. But good point, thanks for your response!
As of 2025, Elon Musk is basically engaged in threatening Medicaid, and destroying our public health system, dismantling USAID and betraying our historic allies. As of March 11, the Department of Education is shut down, and half its staff are similarly fired by Musk acolytes who likely have no idea of what they do and why.
This is the ultimate outcome of not just tolerance, but the nurturance and lionization of narcissism in US society—the hostile takeover of the US government, using the vulture capitalist playbook of assimilating, dismantling and selling for parts of institutions that others built, and that people depend on.
Thank you Doctor. Excellent advice...especially the bit about eliminating an expectation of ethical conduct. When you know that this individual considers lying to be a survival strategy and also an inalienable right, it changes your perspective. My aging narcissistic parent has lost her ability to cleverly construct her lies because senility has slipped in. Now it is constant dishonesty, making statements that are ridiculous and almost laughable. Her mask of sanity has slipped and she can't get it back on. It's interesting to witness this.
I suffer from a propensity to give people the benefit of the doubt—but thankfully have a reflexive recognition of the behaviours you describe so well. Perhaps coming from that propensity—though it may not matter in a given situation—I wonder whether the narcissist is self-aware. Is the behaviour so much a part of the way this individual perceives the world that s/he is merely navigating in this unfortunate frame, or is it a conscious, deliberately applied set of strategies and tactics? Your insights most welcome.
As I say, perhaps it does not matter on the ground. One's own capacity to navigate an environment with such characters is very much dependent on the recommendations you list. As an added observation, having worked within different cultures internationally, some of the characteristics we see in narcissistic individuals are "built-in" to certain expectations of rank / hierarchy and failure to exhibit them can be "evidence" of incompatibility of an individual with her/his rank. Servant leadership, for example, is a hard sell in certain environments that seem to adopt such behaviour thinking that rungs of the ladder require a rather brutal control.
5. Move on if your circumstances permit. If they do not, affiliate with others. This is protective UNLESS you gossip about the narc, which will backfire, as moles are everywhere.
5. Move on if your circumstances allow. If not, affiliate with others but do not gossip about the narcissist. Moles are everywhere.