Why women deny the existence of women on women aggression
and how to stop it
This article is another instalment on the topic of woman on woman aggression and narcissistic behaviour about why some women (and other people) deny the existence of women on women bullying, and why women get away with bullying.
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I began working on this piece right after I published about the sources of woman on woman aggression in the workplace, then got distracted by other things and forgot all about it. It wasn’t until I started seeing posts about Naomi Klein’s new book Doppelganger that focuses on taking down Dr. Naomi Wolf, her evil thought leader activist twin, that I decided to revisit the topic. You can find some great reviews of this book highlighting this one-sided rivalry here and here.
Out of all the book reviews and comments I’ve read so far on multiple platforms (and I haven’t read everything written about it), few have referred to this behaviour as woman on woman aggression or mean. When you wade through all the intellectual fluff and analysis of political views and activities, this has the vibe of a jealous mean girl publishing her burn book. The reviews have focused on Klein’s blind spots and shadow projecting onto Wolf or reviews raving about Kleins personal reflections and support for exposing the absurdist views of conspiracy theorist Wolf. Yet no one has said, “hey, you’re actually picking on another woman and mocking her to make yourself look better than her. What has she done to you personally to get you all riled up?”
Woman on woman aggression, a form of interpersonal narcissism, at work, in professional networks, in families and friend groups follow the same playbook. But somehow, the prospect of woman on woman aggression seems to cross a line about what we’re allowed to publicly say because the idea that this exists 1) adds additional accountability to women’s already unfairly heavy load 2) contradicts an immutable belief that women are innately programmed for cooperation, collaboration, emotional intelligence and supporting other women 3) imposes an undesirable description on much beloved thought leaders and other parasocial relationships with public figures.
Look no further than your social media feed and anyone can see that women are human and just as capable of showing poor character traits as any person. Being a woman doesn’t protect against narcissism and our human condition to crave power and control when success is at stake. Like males, females are hardwired for competition for survival and success1.
Relational aggression and bullying among women involve shaming, shunning and social death in the following ways:
gossip and smear campaigns
unjustified criticism or blame, including accusations of incompetence
barring access to opportunities and a wider network
social and professional exclusion
withdrawal from friendship/professional relationship
ignoring ideas and contributions
claiming ideas and contributions, including Knowledge Vampirism
public humiliation
Naming it has consequences. When I published a piece describing why women bully other women at work I was genuinely surprised (and also not surprised) by some of the reactions. Women minimized the impact or denied the existence of lateral aggression among women. The deniers of woman on woman aggression used ad hominem attacks and strawman fallacies to distract from and discredit the content (and me), and asserted alternative narratives about sisterhood and a need to lift each other up. I took notice of the hypocrisy of taking a morally superior position about the importance of uplifting women while shaming me.
So I asked the wonderful Substack community and various social media outlets why some women (and men) deny the existence of bullying and aggression between women at work and in social groups despite the evidence2? What motivates denial and suppression of discussions about woman on woman bullying and aggression?