This couldn’t come at a more timely moment for me . I’m at a difficult place in my relationship with my only sister and only remaining relative and I’m not sure where we will end up. I’m already in the process of closure myself and even though I have a full and wonderful life the thought of losing her feels unbearable. I’ve lost two parents and been through a bitter divorce and this loss is as hard. This is great guidance. Thank you
Thanks Karen for describing the experience of this crossroads. Without knowing your situation it does sound like losing your only living relative is not something you want. I hope you can find a way to find closure about your expectations/hopes in your relationship with your sister so that you can remain connected in a way that isn't painful.
I left an unhealthy group setting earlier this year, after things came to light that were… well not kosher. It’s taken real work to overcome the grief, anger, disbelief about someone’s behaviour and to simply - move on.
And still, after months, this particular group appears in my dreams with particular scenarios.
I write them down, notice the patterns emerging, pondering how to close off that last bit. Especially the issue of “mutuals” is relevant here. Fascinating process, harvesting the energy of the wood dragon this year! A great symbol btw, a dragon taking flight.
You’re onto it Pebbles! Spotting patterns and responding strategically to continue to build distance between you and the others will bring you the closure you want.
This has been so helpful in getting closure with my mother.
When I told her that my father had sexually abused me for years (some of which she actually witnessed, but did not protect me from) she almost immediately cut me out of the family. She encouraged my brothers to cut me out as well, which two of the three did.
This was devastating to me - almost worse than the sexual abuse itself.
Still, for years I held on to hope that I could "reunite" with my mother (we'd never been united in the first place).
Despite moving on and building a rich life for myself, I clung to the idea that she loved me and wanted the same kind of close relationship that I wanted.
Total Bullshit.
She is 83 now. I have not seen her in 20 years.
We still text, because I do care how she is doing. She married a rich man after my father died, and is doing quite well. She has my brothers and her adult grandkids to take care of her. She could not care less that I am out of her life.
Yet I keep clinging to the hope that she "really" does care and "really" does love me.
Again: Total Bullshit.
When her husband died, I called her for the first time in years. I made an opening to come be with her to provide support. That opening was slammed shut as she let me know others would be supporting her and I was not needed or wanted.
She said she would text me to let me know about funeral arrangements, etc (she lives in Florida and I foolishly thought I should go to the funeral) but no information about the funeral has been forthcoming.
The phone call was brief and cold and I have not received a call or text from her since.
I will use the tools you shared in your article in the coming days - I know that at some point she will die and there will be no healing of our relationship.
It's been a lifetime of accepting this and coping with it.
I'm 62 years old and have a life filled with love and good health, yet I still have a hard time coping with the rejection by my mother.
Nathalie, thank you for the response . I believe you are correct. I will work at it and it will likely take time. Right now I can’t stomach the thought of even talking to her.
This is going to be an inside job and doesn't require conversations with her, thankfully. It's brutal to be accused for something you didn't do by your sibling. It will take time but can be shortened following the guidance in the article. This guidance came from my own experience as well as others to achieve closure. Feeling neutral about the person who once caused so much turmoil is a good goal to have. Feel free to reach out if you would like additional ideas/guidance on getting closure.
Just discovered you today. How would this article apply to my only sibling an older sister . I’m 66 and she is convinced I perpetrated a fraud with my father’s estate but is mistaken and can never admit it but believes in her heart I did something nefarious .
Hi Max - the situation with your sister sounds really sad and disappointing. It's difficult to get to closure when your sibling has a false impression of you and accusing you of something you didn't do. For you to get a step to closure requires you enter a state of acceptance that regardless of how she feels about you, you knowing the truth about your actions needs to be enough. I'm sorry for your fractured relationship with your only sibling.
So, I’ve been working on a book with the expectation that’ll provide the redemption and closure I’m seeking. What do you think? I’m not trying to get them back. I’m trying to get me back.
I think the book can help you process what happened and discover your redemption story. The reality is that while you're using your writing to reclaim yourself, there will be material that that the perpetrator will 'know' is about them because they will be able to feel the emotional charge in the material. This can reopen a wound or fire things up for them. This is why editors are handy :)
I hope you can get closure through your creative pursuit Gregoy. I can tell you from my own experience that it definitely helped me.
I'm glad this piece resonated Janedra! Future pieces that link our family system to our workplace environment will do more macro-micro linking. It's relief to discover others who speak the same language!
This couldn’t come at a more timely moment for me . I’m at a difficult place in my relationship with my only sister and only remaining relative and I’m not sure where we will end up. I’m already in the process of closure myself and even though I have a full and wonderful life the thought of losing her feels unbearable. I’ve lost two parents and been through a bitter divorce and this loss is as hard. This is great guidance. Thank you
Thanks Karen for describing the experience of this crossroads. Without knowing your situation it does sound like losing your only living relative is not something you want. I hope you can find a way to find closure about your expectations/hopes in your relationship with your sister so that you can remain connected in a way that isn't painful.
All the best!
A great and detailed list. Thank you!
I left an unhealthy group setting earlier this year, after things came to light that were… well not kosher. It’s taken real work to overcome the grief, anger, disbelief about someone’s behaviour and to simply - move on.
And still, after months, this particular group appears in my dreams with particular scenarios.
I write them down, notice the patterns emerging, pondering how to close off that last bit. Especially the issue of “mutuals” is relevant here. Fascinating process, harvesting the energy of the wood dragon this year! A great symbol btw, a dragon taking flight.
You’re onto it Pebbles! Spotting patterns and responding strategically to continue to build distance between you and the others will bring you the closure you want.
This has been so helpful in getting closure with my mother.
When I told her that my father had sexually abused me for years (some of which she actually witnessed, but did not protect me from) she almost immediately cut me out of the family. She encouraged my brothers to cut me out as well, which two of the three did.
This was devastating to me - almost worse than the sexual abuse itself.
Still, for years I held on to hope that I could "reunite" with my mother (we'd never been united in the first place).
Despite moving on and building a rich life for myself, I clung to the idea that she loved me and wanted the same kind of close relationship that I wanted.
Total Bullshit.
She is 83 now. I have not seen her in 20 years.
We still text, because I do care how she is doing. She married a rich man after my father died, and is doing quite well. She has my brothers and her adult grandkids to take care of her. She could not care less that I am out of her life.
Yet I keep clinging to the hope that she "really" does care and "really" does love me.
Again: Total Bullshit.
When her husband died, I called her for the first time in years. I made an opening to come be with her to provide support. That opening was slammed shut as she let me know others would be supporting her and I was not needed or wanted.
She said she would text me to let me know about funeral arrangements, etc (she lives in Florida and I foolishly thought I should go to the funeral) but no information about the funeral has been forthcoming.
The phone call was brief and cold and I have not received a call or text from her since.
I will use the tools you shared in your article in the coming days - I know that at some point she will die and there will be no healing of our relationship.
It's been a lifetime of accepting this and coping with it.
I'm 62 years old and have a life filled with love and good health, yet I still have a hard time coping with the rejection by my mother.
Oh, well. Onward and forward.
Thank You for the work you do.
Absolutely amazing tools and tips. Thank you!
Incredibly helpful! Thank You!
This has been amazingly good coverage on this topic, thank you!
Thank you!
Nathalie, thank you for the response . I believe you are correct. I will work at it and it will likely take time. Right now I can’t stomach the thought of even talking to her.
This is going to be an inside job and doesn't require conversations with her, thankfully. It's brutal to be accused for something you didn't do by your sibling. It will take time but can be shortened following the guidance in the article. This guidance came from my own experience as well as others to achieve closure. Feeling neutral about the person who once caused so much turmoil is a good goal to have. Feel free to reach out if you would like additional ideas/guidance on getting closure.
Just discovered you today. How would this article apply to my only sibling an older sister . I’m 66 and she is convinced I perpetrated a fraud with my father’s estate but is mistaken and can never admit it but believes in her heart I did something nefarious .
Hi Max - the situation with your sister sounds really sad and disappointing. It's difficult to get to closure when your sibling has a false impression of you and accusing you of something you didn't do. For you to get a step to closure requires you enter a state of acceptance that regardless of how she feels about you, you knowing the truth about your actions needs to be enough. I'm sorry for your fractured relationship with your only sibling.
Great piece!
Thank you!!
So, I’ve been working on a book with the expectation that’ll provide the redemption and closure I’m seeking. What do you think? I’m not trying to get them back. I’m trying to get me back.
I think the book can help you process what happened and discover your redemption story. The reality is that while you're using your writing to reclaim yourself, there will be material that that the perpetrator will 'know' is about them because they will be able to feel the emotional charge in the material. This can reopen a wound or fire things up for them. This is why editors are handy :)
I hope you can get closure through your creative pursuit Gregoy. I can tell you from my own experience that it definitely helped me.
Thank you for connecting the micro and the macro. It feels good to find another member of my tribe.
I'm glad this piece resonated Janedra! Future pieces that link our family system to our workplace environment will do more macro-micro linking. It's relief to discover others who speak the same language!