How to stop people from doing a dump and dash to you
Let them clean their own mess
Thank you all for supporting me in making this my biggest year yet in the 3 years I’ve been on Substack. I’m deeply grateful for the love, encouragement, and engagement, as well as the anonymous trolls who work hard for my attention. To show my appreciation, I’m offering a special discount on annual subscriptions. Full details are at the end of this post.
I’ve had the good fortune of encountering several Dump and Dash (D&D) people in both my personal and professional life. I’m talking about the people who dump their burdens on you and quickly exit the interaction before you have the chance to collect your thoughts and respond.
I’m far from flawless. I know I’ve done this to others at some point. However, being on the receiving end opened my eyes to the unconscious behaviours that often drive narcissistic tendencies — making my own needs the focal point and expecting others to cater to them.
With that in mind, here are a few of the dump and dash types you might know:
The emotion dump and dash
This person is great at staying in touch when they need something from you. They'll call, and before you even have a chance to finish your greeting, they're already unloading their latest saga. You're partly curious, because let’s face it, other people's dramas can be oddly entertaining. But at the same time, you're holding your breath, unsure when they'll give you a moment to respond or what they might say next. Sometimes you feel frozen, especially when the emotional dump includes an accusation about something you did or didn’t do, and how it made them feel. By the time they've finished their monologue you're left speechless, unsure of how to react.
You start to respond with a mix of empathy and suggestions, but they either interrupt to tell you they've already considered that and it doesn't help, or they cut you off saying they have to go and will call you back later. You think WTF was that and are annoyed about the drive-by emotion dump.
The logistics dump and dash
You’re part of a community that wants to increase its visibility, and the leader decides that hosting an event is the best way to achieve this. After consulting with a few members, the leader takes it upon herself to organise the event, seeking quotes and securing arrangements, all without sharing any of the details with the rest of the group. Using the slush fund to cover costs, she delegates tasks to members based on her assumptions about what they can handle.
A day before the event the leader drops the bombshell that she won’t be available on the day because she has other plans. Instead, she hands over the paperwork detailing costs and unfinished tasks, expecting the group to step in and execute the entire event. There’s still a lot to do, and the group is left feeling frustrated and resentful; not only because they’re now stuck managing an event they never wanted in the first place, but also because they were excluded from the decision-making process entirely.
The accountability dump and dash
You’re in the middle of your workday when your colleague or friend asks if you can quickly do them a favour. The favour involves a number of tasks — reviewing a report, sending an email, making a call, or finding a resource — without ever asking if you have the time or bandwidth. The list comes at you fast, and they don’t pause for your input. Just as you're processing the overwhelming stream of tasks and before you can protest, they abruptly thank you for being reliable and vanish before you can say anything else. You’re left feeling blindsided and buried in a to-do list that you didn't sign up for.
How to stop the dump before they dash
You might be thinking that the people on the receiving end of the dumps lack boundaries and could have easily stopped it. Perhaps, but when you have a familiar dynamic with someone who is used to getting their way, it’s tough to interrupt and disrupt the equilibrium.
People are motivated to change their situation when they reach their limit of tolerance. Breaking a habit that involves restricting your tolerance to the dump and dash means that you accept the possibility that the other person might not like you. It also means that they are unlikely to attempt a dump and dash in the future if they know you will not give them what they want AND if they feel ashamed for trying to pull that stunt on you again.
If this person has a habit of unloading their emotional, logistic, or accountability burdens on you, it’s essential to interrupt early. It will feel confrontational because you’re disrupting an established dynamic. You can do this in a few ways:
Say their name. Interrupt them by saying their name. If they don’t stop, repeat their name until you get their attention. Once you’ve interrupted them, let them know that you’re in the middle of something and don’t have the mental bandwidth to take on anything else right now.
Be distracted. If you're on the phone, step away and do something else. They might not notice immediately, but when they stop speaking and realise they’re not getting a response, they'll ask if you're still there. If you’re face-to-face, act distracted ie. look away, check your phone, or engage in something else. When they ask if you're listening, take the opportunity to say that you're not, as you're dealing with your own things at the moment.
Confront them. Say their name so that you get their attention. Then tell them that you’ve noticed a pattern where they talk at you for long periods, then leave before you have a chance to respond. Acknowledge that you haven’t said anything before because you didn’t want to seem rude but talking at you endlessly then leaving before you get a chance to ask for them to listen to you is also rude. Let them know you’re not interested in having one-sided conversations with them, or anyone.
Decline participating. Consultation is not the same as participation. If you're involved in planning a community event but have little say compared to the leader, and you know they’ll create drama you will end up cleaning up when they bail, feel free to opt out.
Be unreliable. Being asked to do a favour is not the same as assuming you will do it. People who like to offload their responsibilities onto others often get away with it because they rely on those who will feel guilty if the tasks aren't completed. That guilt keeps you bound to someone who excels at delegating but is incompetent in taking accountability. Let them reap what they sow and stop doing them favours—they’re certainly not doing any for you.
Be prepared for shock, defensiveness, denial, blame, or acceptance. If you choose not to say anything because you don’t like confrontation, then you accept that nothing will change.
For more tips on asserting yourself in situations where others try to impose or take advantage of you, check out my book.
To readers: How do you deal with the dump and dash? What else should be added to this list?
Keep scrolling for special offers…
***Special offer***
I’m offering 40% off annual subscriptions! Paid subscribers will gain access to all paywalled and archived content. This includes older articles that provide in-depth insights into narcissistic behaviour—how to identify, avoid, prevent, and respond to it when you're on the receiving end. This evergreen content is foundational to my more recent posts and explores the nuances of interpersonal narcissism that you won’t find anywhere else.
Offer expires Jan 3rd, 2025.
Hack narcissism and support my work
I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.
While activists focus on fighting macro issues, I believe that activism also needs to focus on the micro issues - the narcissistic traits that pollute relationships between you and I, and between each other, without contributing to existing injustice. It’s not as exciting as fighting the Big Baddies yet hacking, resisting and overriding our tendencies to control others that also manifest as our macro issues is my full-time job.
I’m dedicated to helping people understand all the ways narcissistic traits infiltrate and taint our interpersonal, professional, organisational and political relationships, and provide strategies for narcissism hackers to fight back and find peace.
Here’s how you can help.
Order my book: The Little Book of Assertiveness: Speak up with confidence
Support my work:
through a Substack subscription
by sharing my work with your loved ones and networks
by citing my work in your presentations and posts
by inviting me to speak, deliver training or consult for your organisation
This is helpful also for those who might need advice or a brief venting session (I have opinions on "venting" as well but we all need it at times).
When you need to talk through or share, I might suggest saying to a friend, "I had a frustrating day at work. Do you have 10 min. for me to share?" or "This client is challenging, can I share my plan for how I'll approach it?" And then limit your kvetch to 10min.
This might not work all the time, but it contains the conversation.
I have a friend who fits the bill. I often think, “I’m his friend, but he’s not my friend.”