How to stop people from doing a dump and dash to you

Let them clean their own mess

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I’ve had the good fortune of encountering several Dump and Dash (D&D) people in both my personal and professional life. I’m talking about the people who dump their burdens on you and quickly exit the interaction before you have the chance to collect your thoughts and respond.

I’m far from flawless. I know I’ve done this to others at some point. However, being on the receiving end opened my eyes to the unconscious behaviours that often drive narcissistic tendencies — making my own needs the focal point and expecting others to cater to them.

With that in mind, here are a few of the dump and dash types you might know:

The emotion dump and dash

This person is great at staying in touch when they need something from you. They'll call, and before you even have a chance to finish your greeting, they're already unloading their latest saga. You're partly curious, because let’s face it, other people's dramas can be oddly entertaining. But at the same time, you're holding your breath, unsure when they'll give you a moment to respond or what they might say next. Sometimes you feel frozen, especially when the emotional dump includes an accusation about something you did or didn’t do, and how it made them feel. By the time they've finished their monologue you're left speechless, unsure of how to react.

You start to respond with a mix of empathy and suggestions, but they either interrupt to tell you they've already considered that and it doesn't help, or they cut you off saying they have to go and will call you back later. You think WTF was that and are annoyed about the drive-by emotion dump.

The logistics dump and dash

You’re part of a community that wants to increase its visibility, and the leader decides that hosting an event is the best way to achieve this. After consulting with a few members, the leader takes it upon herself to organise the event, seeking quotes and securing arrangements, all without sharing any of the details with the rest of the group. Using the slush fund to cover costs, she delegates tasks to members based on her assumptions about what they can handle.

A day before the event the leader drops the bombshell that she won’t be available on the day because she has other plans. Instead, she hands over the paperwork detailing costs and unfinished tasks, expecting the group to step in and execute the entire event. There’s still a lot to do, and the group is left feeling frustrated and resentful; not only because they’re now stuck managing an event they never wanted in the first place, but also because they were excluded from the decision-making process entirely.

The accountability dump and dash

You’re in the middle of your workday when your colleague or friend asks if you can quickly do them a favour. The favour involves a number of tasks — reviewing a report, sending an email, making a call, or finding a resource — without ever asking if you have the time or bandwidth. The list comes at you fast, and they don’t pause for your input. Just as you're processing the overwhelming stream of tasks and before you can protest, they abruptly thank you for being reliable and vanish before you can say anything else. You’re left feeling blindsided and buried in a to-do list that you didn't sign up for.

Photo by Randy Laybourne on Unsplash

How to stop the dump before they dash

You might be thinking that the people on the receiving end of the dumps lack boundaries and could have easily stopped it. Perhaps, but when you have a familiar dynamic with someone who is used to getting their way, it’s tough to interrupt and disrupt the equilibrium.

People are motivated to change their situation when they reach their limit of tolerance. Breaking a habit that involves restricting your tolerance to the dump and dash means that you accept the possibility that the other person might not like you. It also means that they are unlikely to attempt a dump and dash in the future if they know you will not give them what they want AND if they feel ashamed for trying to pull that stunt on you again.

If this person has a habit of unloading their emotional, logistic, or accountability burdens on you, it’s essential to interrupt early. It will feel confrontational because you’re disrupting an established dynamic. You can do this in a few ways:

1. Say their name. Interrupt them by saying their name. If they don’t stop, repeat their name until you get their attention. Once you’ve interrupted them, let them know that you’re in the middle of something and don’t have the mental bandwidth to take on anything else right now.

2. Be distracted. If you're on the phone, step away and do something else. They might not notice immediately, but when they stop speaking and realise they’re not getting a response, they'll ask if you're still there. If you’re face-to-face, act distracted ie. look away, check your phone, or engage in something else. When they ask if you're listening, take the opportunity to say that you're not, as you're dealing with your own things at the moment.

3. Confront them. Say their name so that you get their attention. Then tell them that you’ve noticed a pattern where they talk at you for long periods, then leave before you have a chance to respond. Acknowledge that you haven’t said anything before because you didn’t want to seem rude but talking at you endlessly then leaving before you get a chance to ask for them to listen to you is also rude. Let them know you’re not interested in having one-sided conversations with them, or anyone.

4. Decline participating. Consultation is not the same as participation. If you're involved in planning a community event but have little say compared to the leader, and you know they’ll create drama you will end up cleaning up when they bail, feel free to opt out.

5. Be unreliable. Being asked to do a favour is not the same as assuming you will do it. People who like to offload their responsibilities onto others often get away with it because they rely on those who will feel guilty if the tasks aren't completed. That guilt keeps you bound to someone who excels at delegating but is incompetent in taking accountability. Let them reap what they sow and stop doing them favours—they’re certainly not doing any for you.

Be prepared for shock, defensiveness, denial, blame, or acceptance. If you choose not to say anything because you don’t like confrontation, then you accept that nothing will change.

For more tips on asserting yourself in situations where others try to impose or take advantage of you, check out my book.

To readers: How do you deal with the dump and dash? What else should be added to this list?

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I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

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