This is helpful also for those who might need advice or a brief venting session (I have opinions on "venting" as well but we all need it at times).
When you need to talk through or share, I might suggest saying to a friend, "I had a frustrating day at work. Do you have 10 min. for me to share?" or "This client is challenging, can I share my plan for how I'll approach it?" And then limit your kvetch to 10min.
This might not work all the time, but it contains the conversation.
This reminds me of A Midwestern Doctor’s description of big pHarma pump & dump exploitations… like conning millions of people to take an untested drug to make millions and then running away from accountability afterwards.
I am guilty of logistical dumping on my husband for sure. Noticing when I am dysregulated and on overdrive helps me to slow down and check in with him before I fire off a list of to-do’s. Great article!
Maaaaan I would take that pass in a heartbeat! But my husband doesn’t reciprocate the firing off so I think I’m stuck with emotional regulation. Much harder.
I don't like the distraction one. It's manipulative, although I suppose it's an option for those who prefer not to assert themselves. It's just not a good way of dealing with these things, because it encourages them to come back and try again. It perpetuates itself.
I can see your point about distraction potentially egging some people on. Perhaps it is a strategy that can push reluctant people into asserting themselves after distraction backfires.
"People who like to offload their responsibilities onto others often get away with it because they rely on those who will feel guilty if the tasks aren't completed. That guilt keeps you bound to someone who excels at delegating but is incompetent in taking accountability."
I've certainly done the dump and dash and do what I can to prevent it from happening on my account. I do know that those of us, myself included, who are naturally helpful and dutiful tend to be targets for the dump and dash. Once you're able to move away from being guilted into being the "reliable" target then saying "no" comes a lot easier in opting out of conversations.
This is helpful also for those who might need advice or a brief venting session (I have opinions on "venting" as well but we all need it at times).
When you need to talk through or share, I might suggest saying to a friend, "I had a frustrating day at work. Do you have 10 min. for me to share?" or "This client is challenging, can I share my plan for how I'll approach it?" And then limit your kvetch to 10min.
This might not work all the time, but it contains the conversation.
I have a friend who fits the bill. I often think, “I’m his friend, but he’s not my friend.”
And sometimes you have to just pull the plug on that “friendship” when the dumping pulls you down.
Thank you for this.
This reminds me of A Midwestern Doctor’s description of big pHarma pump & dump exploitations… like conning millions of people to take an untested drug to make millions and then running away from accountability afterwards.
Strong parallel Melissa! Yes, we got a good dump and dash from 'well meaning' dictators.
I am guilty of logistical dumping on my husband for sure. Noticing when I am dysregulated and on overdrive helps me to slow down and check in with him before I fire off a list of to-do’s. Great article!
Thank you Claire! You described a similar dynamic I have with my husband and he has with me. Maybe we get a pass in a marriage?
Maaaaan I would take that pass in a heartbeat! But my husband doesn’t reciprocate the firing off so I think I’m stuck with emotional regulation. Much harder.
Good stuff thanks.
I don't like the distraction one. It's manipulative, although I suppose it's an option for those who prefer not to assert themselves. It's just not a good way of dealing with these things, because it encourages them to come back and try again. It perpetuates itself.
I can see your point about distraction potentially egging some people on. Perhaps it is a strategy that can push reluctant people into asserting themselves after distraction backfires.
"People who like to offload their responsibilities onto others often get away with it because they rely on those who will feel guilty if the tasks aren't completed. That guilt keeps you bound to someone who excels at delegating but is incompetent in taking accountability."
I've certainly done the dump and dash and do what I can to prevent it from happening on my account. I do know that those of us, myself included, who are naturally helpful and dutiful tend to be targets for the dump and dash. Once you're able to move away from being guilted into being the "reliable" target then saying "no" comes a lot easier in opting out of conversations.