This is helpful also for those who might need advice or a brief venting session (I have opinions on "venting" as well but we all need it at times).
When you need to talk through or share, I might suggest saying to a friend, "I had a frustrating day at work. Do you have 10 min. for me to share?" or "This client is challenging, can I share my plan for how I'll approach it?" And then limit your kvetch to 10min.
This might not work all the time, but it contains the conversation.
I had heard of emotional dumping, not logistical dumping before, but you’ve summarized a situation I went through recently very perfectly! There is also info dumping, when you use someone else to process your intellectual thoughts without being interested in theirs, something I have had to become more aware of in myself.
Great list of responses. I prefer to confront because it’s the most honest tactic, but I have found it only works on highly conscientious people who are motivated to improve their relationships with others. It’s not natural for me, but the more in denial a person is about their own behaviors, the more I have to resort to the distract tactic.
This reminds me of A Midwestern Doctor’s description of big pHarma pump & dump exploitations… like conning millions of people to take an untested drug to make millions and then running away from accountability afterwards.
I am guilty of logistical dumping on my husband for sure. Noticing when I am dysregulated and on overdrive helps me to slow down and check in with him before I fire off a list of to-do’s. Great article!
Maaaaan I would take that pass in a heartbeat! But my husband doesn’t reciprocate the firing off so I think I’m stuck with emotional regulation. Much harder.
I don't like the distraction one. It's manipulative, although I suppose it's an option for those who prefer not to assert themselves. It's just not a good way of dealing with these things, because it encourages them to come back and try again. It perpetuates itself.
I can see your point about distraction potentially egging some people on. Perhaps it is a strategy that can push reluctant people into asserting themselves after distraction backfires.
Two other tactics I've hit upon that can be useful, especially in a digitally connected work environment with a broad team, that basically amount to creating 'dead airspace' between you and the other person, who is a time/energy dumper/sucker. First is to ignore instant messages or emails for up to 30 mins or longer - setting my availability to 'busy' helps send a signal passively. The other is 'be away' hopefully doing something else productive from my own 'To Do' list. If asked 'how come you didn't get back to me' it hasn't had to be more than 'I was busy with my own workload'. And, I show a bit of concern asking if the problem resolved itself or not.
With the goal of being 'adaptable using a risk-based approach' in a corporate role that romanticises in a 'dynamic fast-paced work environment' (which I am convinced is code for 'we have no processes or tools so that keeps you in a survival mode so you'll say yes to anything') the dumpers you describe are accurate and I deal with them daily. I have to admit being like this myself at times. Great article and helps see where I can do better and be better at setting helathy boundaries.
That was a great explanation. I am glad to say that I intuited these answers before for myself. I had a conversationalist like what you describe here and he would never let me get a word in edgewise. It was a bumpy ride addressing it and then recovering over a long time (he was mad at me for a couple of months). But we are good now, and he gives me time to answer, and even wander away with the topic. WHEW :) Haha. Yup, I said"NAME...............NAME..........................*waits more*, *another paragraph blows by*................"NAME..............................." Yes, it did work. He got upset with me over it, but it worked and now he listens. Haha.
This is helpful also for those who might need advice or a brief venting session (I have opinions on "venting" as well but we all need it at times).
When you need to talk through or share, I might suggest saying to a friend, "I had a frustrating day at work. Do you have 10 min. for me to share?" or "This client is challenging, can I share my plan for how I'll approach it?" And then limit your kvetch to 10min.
This might not work all the time, but it contains the conversation.
I have a friend who fits the bill. I often think, “I’m his friend, but he’s not my friend.”
I had heard of emotional dumping, not logistical dumping before, but you’ve summarized a situation I went through recently very perfectly! There is also info dumping, when you use someone else to process your intellectual thoughts without being interested in theirs, something I have had to become more aware of in myself.
Great list of responses. I prefer to confront because it’s the most honest tactic, but I have found it only works on highly conscientious people who are motivated to improve their relationships with others. It’s not natural for me, but the more in denial a person is about their own behaviors, the more I have to resort to the distract tactic.
And sometimes you have to just pull the plug on that “friendship” when the dumping pulls you down.
Thank you for this.
This reminds me of A Midwestern Doctor’s description of big pHarma pump & dump exploitations… like conning millions of people to take an untested drug to make millions and then running away from accountability afterwards.
Strong parallel Melissa! Yes, we got a good dump and dash from 'well meaning' dictators.
I am guilty of logistical dumping on my husband for sure. Noticing when I am dysregulated and on overdrive helps me to slow down and check in with him before I fire off a list of to-do’s. Great article!
Thank you Claire! You described a similar dynamic I have with my husband and he has with me. Maybe we get a pass in a marriage?
Maaaaan I would take that pass in a heartbeat! But my husband doesn’t reciprocate the firing off so I think I’m stuck with emotional regulation. Much harder.
Good stuff thanks.
I don't like the distraction one. It's manipulative, although I suppose it's an option for those who prefer not to assert themselves. It's just not a good way of dealing with these things, because it encourages them to come back and try again. It perpetuates itself.
I can see your point about distraction potentially egging some people on. Perhaps it is a strategy that can push reluctant people into asserting themselves after distraction backfires.
Two other tactics I've hit upon that can be useful, especially in a digitally connected work environment with a broad team, that basically amount to creating 'dead airspace' between you and the other person, who is a time/energy dumper/sucker. First is to ignore instant messages or emails for up to 30 mins or longer - setting my availability to 'busy' helps send a signal passively. The other is 'be away' hopefully doing something else productive from my own 'To Do' list. If asked 'how come you didn't get back to me' it hasn't had to be more than 'I was busy with my own workload'. And, I show a bit of concern asking if the problem resolved itself or not.
With the goal of being 'adaptable using a risk-based approach' in a corporate role that romanticises in a 'dynamic fast-paced work environment' (which I am convinced is code for 'we have no processes or tools so that keeps you in a survival mode so you'll say yes to anything') the dumpers you describe are accurate and I deal with them daily. I have to admit being like this myself at times. Great article and helps see where I can do better and be better at setting helathy boundaries.
That was a great explanation. I am glad to say that I intuited these answers before for myself. I had a conversationalist like what you describe here and he would never let me get a word in edgewise. It was a bumpy ride addressing it and then recovering over a long time (he was mad at me for a couple of months). But we are good now, and he gives me time to answer, and even wander away with the topic. WHEW :) Haha. Yup, I said"NAME...............NAME..........................*waits more*, *another paragraph blows by*................"NAME..............................." Yes, it did work. He got upset with me over it, but it worked and now he listens. Haha.