How do you cope when the Inner Bully strikes?

Exploring the Compass and Faces of Shame

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I have shame on the brain again as I’ve been drafting pieces about deprogramming/reconstructing identity after leaving a cult, spotting your own red flags to unhealthy relationships and an alternative perspective on depression. Each topic led me back to shame and what I have yet to cover on the topic since I published a deep examination of shame as an ally, not the enemy.

If you’ve read my work, you’ll know that I believe that each emotion has a specific function beyond making us feel awful, neutral or great. I like to focus on maligned emotions, especially shame because of its connection to narcissistic behaviour.

In my previous piece on shame, I described 3 different situations that illicit a shame response known as the Three Shames. A friend said my original graphic (above) was text heavy and helped me get to this version.

There are 4 types of shame responses described by Nathanson as the Compass of Shame¹. One type of shame response that I focus on in my work is the suite of narcissistic behaviours described as ATTACK OTHER. We focus on these behaviours because of how destructive these can be to the relationship, the person on the receiving end and the one attacking the other. These behaviours are also fascinating as we see them play out among individuals and groups who believe they hold superior ideas and positions about social and global issues against those they are trying to overpower and dominate. They’re also behaviours many of us seek to restrain through self-regulation to avoid fuelling unproductive conflict and promote healthy relationships. This is the essence of hacking narcissism.

I also want to make a distinction between ATTACK OTHER as a shame response from asserting boundaries when the other person has crossed a line. Having the confidence to advocate for yourself or another without needing to shame the shamer is not the same as the self-preserving, defensive behaviours that are automatic reactions to feeling any of the feelings under the shame umbrella.

The shame of experiencing a shock that challenges one’s ideology and worldview can trigger denial to buffer against the pain of uncertainty while avoiding confronting and discovering truth. You can read about the AVOIDANCE response to shame in a deep dive on denial and denialism.

Another shame response that you might find more upsetting than fascinating, especially if this impacts you or someone you care about, is the ATTACK SELF (circled). I have described this reaction to shame briefly in some articles. The ATTACK SELF shame response can occur in any of the Three Shames scenarios when shame is experienced as an unwanted and unwelcome emotion. Readers seem the least interested in exploring this shame response, likely due to stigma or low intrigue compared to Narcissism Spotting, yet it can be debilitating and life threatening.

I call this shame reaction the Inner Bully. The Inner Bully is not you or your own thoughts though they can sound and seem like you. The Inner Bully represents internalised narratives of the authoritarian, critical or abusive authority figure from your early life. Some people can actually hear these menacing voices while others are aware of their constant presence, waiting to attack.

It’s the voice that tells you you’re stupid, a waste of space and so many other spiteful self-loathing lies. It can come to you when you’re challenging or doubting an authority, you’re questioning your commitment to a community/group/relationship/ ideology or when your work isn’t getting enough attention. They’re the thoughts that arise when you have doubts about your choices, when you let down an authority figure or when you resist going against your own principles despite external pressure. It can appear when you’re having a good day and quickly turn it into a crap day. It’s your inner tormentor that can present a case of why you should no longer exist when you’re already feeling low. And after talking some shit, it goes into hiding waiting for when you’re feeling great to try to take you down again.

I’m very familiar with my Inner Bully and am grateful that it’s now powerless and voiceless, and I recognise this is not the case for many people. It takes ongoing work to 1) become aware of the situations that trigger the Inner Bully 2) uncouple the Inner Bully from your own identity and 3) outsmart the Inner Bully and render it powerless.

Shame can be a real bugger until you can turn it into an ally. So when you’re trying break patterns and free yourself from hostile or unfulfilling situations/relationships (ie stand up for yourself against a dominant authority for the first time) yet experience one of the Three Shames that triggers your Inner Bully, what do you do?

The follow up article to this one will address the question of how to become aware of and outsmart the Inner Bully.

In the meantime, what thoughts, questions, wonders and beliefs do you have about shame and the role of the Inner Bully for this Narcissism Hacker and other readers?

Thank you for reading, sharing, commenting, subscribing and supporting my work,

Nathalie Martinek, PhD

The Narcissism Hacker

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I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.

While activists focus on fighting macro issues, I believe that activism also needs to focus on the micro issues - the narcissistic traits that pollute relationships between you and I, and between each other, without contributing to existing injustice. It’s not as exciting as fighting the Big Baddies yet hacking, resisting, overriding and deprogramming our tendencies to control others that also manifest as our macro issues is my full-time job.

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1. Nathanson, D. (1987). The many faces of shame. New York: Guilford Press.