Wow, there is so much here. You've expertly broken down the spiritual crisis at the core of how educated mothers are miserable. Just yesterday, my best friend and I were trying to understand this as two childless women. I've known for a while that I couldn't have both a rich intellectual life and be a mother without becoming resentful, so I've made peace with my decision to prioritize spiritual growth. I've tried extremely hard to avoid memetic desire by opting out of the rat race. I knew that children would require me to run it - keep up my career to fund my life, and find an expensive house in a good school district. It never would have ended.
That said, I've now heard from many friends who did have children that they find their identities difficult to grasp or that they don't have one at all. Life didn't turn out how they expected, and part of this is because women of my generation ardently bought the message that having it all and being fulfilled by it all is possible. If we aren't, we're doing something wrong.
I've definitely seen spirituality become a sort of escape hatch for people, but it is the performance of it rather than a true growth of the spirit beyond material concerns. If people were actually growing, they'd stop virtue signaling and comparing themselves pathologically to the women around them. The assumption that one is an essentially morally upright person is pervasive among women of this class; their self identification as good people is a priori any attempt at spiritual growth. Virtue is discarded in favor of performance; they grasp at eastern ideas without actually trying to enact them in their lives on a micro scale when no one is watching. They also conflate values with political beliefs (these women you describe are the ultimate consumers of symbols conveying superior morality to other women).
I see the core of this as women's underlying inclination to compete with other women while pretending there is a sisterhood, as you say. We see this in activist and spiritual groups and in alternative religious communities. Reminds me of a book I probably already recommended to you, Strange Rites, where the author singles out social justice culture as the method of filling a spiritual void women have.
Thank you so much for reading it Radha. Educated mothers are miserable. We've been fed lies to compete in a rat race that no one is winning, even the women who manage to have it all. There are ways to have children without entering the rat race but it is difficult if you're not the tiny house, off-the-grid living on what you produce homeschooling type who requires intellectual stimulation and spirituality for nourishment.
Until women can tame their need to compete with other women/mothers, all communities of 'sisterhood' will be toxic.
It's interesting to read the comments here. I think much of it also applies to men who want interaction and intellectual and spiritual stimulation (such as me). But since relatively far fewer men than women are attuned to these kinds of things, it can be very hard to find male friends who want to open up and talk about these things. Fortunately I do have 4 male friends I can talk deeply with, but I haven't succeeded in making a new one in 11 years now despite some attempts. There were a few promising leads in the last 2 years, but as soon as they sensed we might not 100% politically align, they distanced themselves (even though I don't need that and don't 100% align with the aforementioned 4 close male friends).
I then will sometimes find women to talk to, but this often doesn't last because their partners usually freak out that they're talking to a man about such topics, even though I'm married and am being entirely appropriate. (I do successfully have about 3 female acquaintances I talk to, but I'm less close with them than the male friends.).
So I'm just pleading that it can also be difficult for men who need those types of interaction. I would say there is less of a sense of competition for sure. I don't feel like I'm in any way competing with other men in the way Nathalie and Radha describe women competing among themselves. I'm not sure what the hell other men are doing.
This is a very thorough essay. First, I too went through this as a Gen X career woman in tech who found herself pregnant at age 26 in 1999. I tried the "having it all thing" until the second child arrived in 2001 and then let it all go to stay home and raise them. Yes, there was a horrible identity crisis that followed and lasted a year. It was a dark year, and yes I discovered the way to peace through spirituality, but through the Catholic Church. For two reasons. First, they were the ones hosting the mom's groups for young mothers and two, that's the religion in which I was raised. In that space I had a spiritual director who helped me embrace the call of God and actualize it through the work of mothering, not online (we didn't have that back then) but through the children's ever changing needs. This meant that as they changed and grew, my role as mother also needed to do so. With time, we discovered a rhythm and still I'm changing, now truly empty nested and looking out toward the next place God calls me. However, I had my foray into the momma goddess sisterhood when I moved to Santa Cruz, CA in 2007. Everything you describe has been in place there since the 70s I'm sure. It was hippie culture now turned Instagram momma culture, but it is essentially an idealization of the East. Let's put it this way, every single one of my friends out there is 1) a yoga teacher and 2) a life coach. All of them seeking to improve me and guide me as their student. At first, I did embrace part of this, and still do in some ways. I found the herbalism route quite interesting and make my own medicines and beauty products. But the rest, nah. When Covid hit and my house burned down in a wildfire, I found this world of yoga mommas to be shallow. I returned to my Catholic faith and damn, it's good to be home. All the magic and empowerment I ever wanted as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of Christ is right there, at my fingertips. I will never need anything else.
I really appreciate you sharing my essay at the end!
I think you analyze the phenomenon of spirituality becoming an identity and using as an escape from the ordinary life very well. It’s the temptation Jane experiences at the end of the novel. It’s a strange paradox — but since we approach the spiritual path with the same maladaptive patterns that cause us to seek out the spiritual path in the first place, the spiritual path actually only works when it mirrors our patterns back to us and we gain insight into how we can stop indulging them. Then ironically, there is less need to escape our life and the urge to keep spiritually seeking dampens.
I think motherhood is a similar opportunity for our loss of an external identity to be replaced with a mirror. However, you explain very well in this post (and others) how people are quick to fill the void of identity loss with a new identity. Great stuff!
Thanks Christina - loved your analysis drawing on Jane Eyre. I need to read it again with your analysis-infused lens.
You raise an important and wise point - any path we're on - motherhood, corporate life, spiritual path - can mirror our patterns so that we can discover and change them. Some people make the spiritual path THE most superior, see the mirror effect but use insights as clout rather than in their application to cultivate virtue. What a waste.
Excellent! You’ve nailed a pathos that thankfully I was not enmeshed with and meticulously navigated. I was successful beyond even my own imagination yet very aware of the dangers of our culture and saw the writing on the wall. I gladly handed over most everything women like this competed for. I was happy to step aside, I had nothing to prove to anyone. I had my own murky waters to deal with married to a psychopathic narcissist and two very active, beautiful, intelligent girls while fighting the dark thoughts of suicide. I spent 2 hours every morning in my office reading, writing, praying before everyone woke up just to armor for the day. A habit I still have. My 2 hours turning in to many hours. I’m different from most people and definitely most women. (Read my comment above to understand this). I’ve been to hell and back and don’t regret a single minute. I can’t, I turned it into learning and understanding instead. I’m eternally optimistic. God has taught me to endure. Today my biggest challenge is to keep from falling. Funny how life works out.
Wow MissLadyK, you've got stories to tell about how you endured and got out of a toxic marriage, toxic workplaces and managed to flourish. You've been able to access your connection to God to guide you through challenges and endure whatever was thrown at you. Legend!
This is a very thorough essay. First, I too went through this as a Gen X career woman in tech who found herself pregnant at age 26 in 1999. I tried the "having it all thing" until the second child arrived in 2001 and then let it all go to stay home and raise them. Yes, there was a horrible identity crisis that followed and lasted a year. It was a dark year, and yes I discovered the way to peace through spirituality, but through the Catholic Church. For two reasons. First, they were the ones hosting the mom's groups for young mothers and two, that's the religion in which I was raised. In that space I had a spiritual director who helped me embrace the call of God and actualize it through the work of mothering, not online (we didn't have that back then) but through the children's ever changing needs. This meant that as they changed and grew, my role as mother also needed to do so. With time, we discovered a rhythm and still I'm changing, now truly empty nested and looking out toward the next place God calls me. However, I had my foray into the momma goddess sisterhood when I moved to Santa Cruz, CA in 2007. Everything you describe has been in place there since the 70s I'm sure. It was hippie culture now turned Instagram momma culture, but it is essentially an idealization of the East. Let's put it this way, every single one of my friends out there is 1) a yoga teacher and 2) a life coach. All of them seeking to improve me and guide me as their student. At first, I did embrace part of this, and still do in some ways. I found the herbalism route quite interesting and make my own medicines and beauty products. But the rest, nah. When Covid hit and my house burned down in a wildfire, I found this world of yoga mommas to be shallow. I returned to my Catholic faith and damn, it's good to be home. All the magic and empowerment I ever wanted as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of Christ is right there, at my fingertips. I will never need anything else.
Perfect. I’ve been curious about people in spirituality for a while now. Not that there’s anything wrong with real spirituality. But because it looks to me like it’s the perfect framework for someone with Narcissistic tendencies to elevate themself above others. It’s like money or power. Nothing inherently wrong with them. We need them. But it attracts certain types more than others.
People with narcissistic tendencies who assume their pious will use spirituality for clout rather than self-improvement. The women I had in mind who inspired this piece have become less humble over the years and more invested in being perceived as an authority.
I can check most of these boxes while married to a high functioning successful psychopathic narcissist. Which turned my attention from yearning for a monastic life during a 20 year marriage towards studying evil shortly after divorce. Where the parallel to your description splinter was the need to be the dominant partner. All I wanted was a scintilla of recognition. After spending my formative adult years as a successful manufacturing entrepreneur, I sold my business because I was too independent, too successful and knew I needed to experience the ability to conform a bit, to lose a little of my independence and fierce individualism. I needed to experience compromise and not feel I always knew best. I wanted to be a good partner in marriage and a nurturing mother who could be sacrificial. What God had in store for me after marriage was the most incredible journey imaginable. 20 years later into the marriage, God saved me from a Twilight Zone hell and dropped me into paradise, but not without nearly destroying me. Now 17 years later, I still struggle from the crippling effects of my association with a psychopathic narcissist, while completely grateful every day that I have the life I rebuilt after shedding this incredible encounter with evil. And yet, despite the intense emotional cruelty, I have learned more, have solid discernment, sorted out the difference between nice and kind and still unnerve, to an intense degree, others with “issues” without really even knowing what I did. I can only surmise my joy, inner confidence, knowledge and wisdom, through God’s grace, shakes them to their core. I have seen evil spew and thrust itself toward me in ways that are edifying. I thank God every day for forming me, steeling me and in all ways and every day reminding me to be humble to the point of bringing me to my knees. People, controlled by evil, hate me. Narcissists hate me. And I am eternally grateful, because I don’t seek this, I just live my life with laughter, joy, optimism and an undying love for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit with eyes wide open to the evil and fakery around me. My agenda is my own. I do not seek to evangelize and that could be my weakness. I help the successful not the victims. I hate the victim mentality, I hate intellectual honesty, a formula for self righteousness and powerlessness, and I hate haughtiness. I have helped good hard working people. struggling with bosses and corporations, to becoming successful entrepreneurs who love their life. My friends and I have the best time with tons of laughter and shared beliefs. I have the most beautiful homes, the best dogs, and love to cook. I love shopping for food, prepping, creating incredible meals and even the clean up. My homes are pristine, gardens manicured and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. The two people that help me with the physical demands are the best and I take good care of them, grateful that they care enough to do a good job. My life is incredible. I love writing, I love painting, I love the Bible and I love learning about life and culture around me. You have an important job and I look forward to learning more from you. Thank you!
It's great you have started on your own spiritual path and are aware of your effect on people. It can feel disruptive to life when someone you had a good rapport with eventually reacts to your presence because their negativity can't handle it. Like you, I've developed better boundaries to discern trustworthy people, remain pleasant and civil with those I don't trust, and developed mastery about my emotional responses to people's behaviour. Eastern traditions are helpful when women encounter then with respect, reverence and with proper guidance from a verified authority of that tradition.
Aren’t you sweet. It wasn’t until I really understood the difference between being nice and being kind that I got real clarity. I tell people, I’m not nice, but I’m always kind. This is very helpful without trying to figure out what types of boundaries to set. You can be yourself, maybe not so nice, but knowing you’re a kind person. Give yourself a few days to ponder this, at least I did. It was a concept that freed me from much stress.
Excellent essay – that LinkedIn post by Stacey Champagne made me laugh as she tagged it #womenincybersecurity – not sure why, something about that categorization says it all.
It’s so refreshing to read this and read the comments and know that there are others who feel this way. I always wanted to stay home and raise my children and homeschool them but I felt like society made me feel ashamed about that. My kids are a little older now and I feel lucky that I’ve been able to only work part time and I’ve had lots of family to help me but I have regrets. I wish I stayed true to myself instead of letting society dictate my life. I ended up homeschooling my children but it was hard while working part time. My husband has his own business so I originally kept working for the insurance and with three kids we needed my income but Iooking back we probably could have come up with a plan and lived on one income. I think if I had more support we could have done it. My mother in law was against me homeschooling my kids and she’s a feminist. Fir years I felt like I had to prove myself to her and thankfully I’m so over that. I wish I would have had the confidence in myself to do what I felt was right for our family instead of letting others opinions get in the way.
Thank you for reading it ProLisa. It's harder to go against an innate wisdom and urge to be with children instead of working, at least during the early years. Having a feminist MIL would have been a tough battle and it's great you managed to stop seeking her approval and do things your way.
I am someone dealing with the massive trauma caused by a malignant narcissist teen mother and your blog is very healing and informative, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Subscribed!
I'm so glad my work is healing and informative. I hope the path of your recovery and individuation from a narcissistic mother is filled with the best support along the way. Let me know if there is something else you'd like me to cover that can assist this process Vixen!
So damn good Nathalie! Have you read my latest post “Mother’s As Perfect Mothers As Prodigal?” This is a great companion piece. Mine is a more lyrical excavation. Sharing!
There’s a lot here. My daughter is a new mum and I find myself revisiting motherhood in a deeper way now that I’ve entered a new phase. I am gonna return to this because I think I have my own deeper thoughts about this that are too much for a comment and will end up being an essay in my substack.
There’s so much here that I don’t feel I can reply too well in the 5 minutes or so I have before my kids wake up😄 I will say this aligns with many things I’ve noticed also, things I’ve been thinking about generally for years and more specifically lately. I find it helpful to think about all this in terms of feminine and masculine energy. So many women are “in their masculine” because our culture values that (and mainstream feminism has encouraged it), so achieving, doing, producing—the external—is what most of us can most easily access, and what brings status. Motherhood is very feminine energetically… there’s much more “being” required, and that’s very hard for women who have been conditioned that masculine energy is what is desirable and worthy.
Being a mother and an ambitious American woman is truly a whole thing. I haven’t read the Jane Eyre article yet but I had it saved already.
Wow, there is so much here. You've expertly broken down the spiritual crisis at the core of how educated mothers are miserable. Just yesterday, my best friend and I were trying to understand this as two childless women. I've known for a while that I couldn't have both a rich intellectual life and be a mother without becoming resentful, so I've made peace with my decision to prioritize spiritual growth. I've tried extremely hard to avoid memetic desire by opting out of the rat race. I knew that children would require me to run it - keep up my career to fund my life, and find an expensive house in a good school district. It never would have ended.
That said, I've now heard from many friends who did have children that they find their identities difficult to grasp or that they don't have one at all. Life didn't turn out how they expected, and part of this is because women of my generation ardently bought the message that having it all and being fulfilled by it all is possible. If we aren't, we're doing something wrong.
I've definitely seen spirituality become a sort of escape hatch for people, but it is the performance of it rather than a true growth of the spirit beyond material concerns. If people were actually growing, they'd stop virtue signaling and comparing themselves pathologically to the women around them. The assumption that one is an essentially morally upright person is pervasive among women of this class; their self identification as good people is a priori any attempt at spiritual growth. Virtue is discarded in favor of performance; they grasp at eastern ideas without actually trying to enact them in their lives on a micro scale when no one is watching. They also conflate values with political beliefs (these women you describe are the ultimate consumers of symbols conveying superior morality to other women).
I see the core of this as women's underlying inclination to compete with other women while pretending there is a sisterhood, as you say. We see this in activist and spiritual groups and in alternative religious communities. Reminds me of a book I probably already recommended to you, Strange Rites, where the author singles out social justice culture as the method of filling a spiritual void women have.
Thank you so much for reading it Radha. Educated mothers are miserable. We've been fed lies to compete in a rat race that no one is winning, even the women who manage to have it all. There are ways to have children without entering the rat race but it is difficult if you're not the tiny house, off-the-grid living on what you produce homeschooling type who requires intellectual stimulation and spirituality for nourishment.
Until women can tame their need to compete with other women/mothers, all communities of 'sisterhood' will be toxic.
I do have to get onto reading Strange Rites.
It's interesting to read the comments here. I think much of it also applies to men who want interaction and intellectual and spiritual stimulation (such as me). But since relatively far fewer men than women are attuned to these kinds of things, it can be very hard to find male friends who want to open up and talk about these things. Fortunately I do have 4 male friends I can talk deeply with, but I haven't succeeded in making a new one in 11 years now despite some attempts. There were a few promising leads in the last 2 years, but as soon as they sensed we might not 100% politically align, they distanced themselves (even though I don't need that and don't 100% align with the aforementioned 4 close male friends).
I then will sometimes find women to talk to, but this often doesn't last because their partners usually freak out that they're talking to a man about such topics, even though I'm married and am being entirely appropriate. (I do successfully have about 3 female acquaintances I talk to, but I'm less close with them than the male friends.).
So I'm just pleading that it can also be difficult for men who need those types of interaction. I would say there is less of a sense of competition for sure. I don't feel like I'm in any way competing with other men in the way Nathalie and Radha describe women competing among themselves. I'm not sure what the hell other men are doing.
This is a very thorough essay. First, I too went through this as a Gen X career woman in tech who found herself pregnant at age 26 in 1999. I tried the "having it all thing" until the second child arrived in 2001 and then let it all go to stay home and raise them. Yes, there was a horrible identity crisis that followed and lasted a year. It was a dark year, and yes I discovered the way to peace through spirituality, but through the Catholic Church. For two reasons. First, they were the ones hosting the mom's groups for young mothers and two, that's the religion in which I was raised. In that space I had a spiritual director who helped me embrace the call of God and actualize it through the work of mothering, not online (we didn't have that back then) but through the children's ever changing needs. This meant that as they changed and grew, my role as mother also needed to do so. With time, we discovered a rhythm and still I'm changing, now truly empty nested and looking out toward the next place God calls me. However, I had my foray into the momma goddess sisterhood when I moved to Santa Cruz, CA in 2007. Everything you describe has been in place there since the 70s I'm sure. It was hippie culture now turned Instagram momma culture, but it is essentially an idealization of the East. Let's put it this way, every single one of my friends out there is 1) a yoga teacher and 2) a life coach. All of them seeking to improve me and guide me as their student. At first, I did embrace part of this, and still do in some ways. I found the herbalism route quite interesting and make my own medicines and beauty products. But the rest, nah. When Covid hit and my house burned down in a wildfire, I found this world of yoga mommas to be shallow. I returned to my Catholic faith and damn, it's good to be home. All the magic and empowerment I ever wanted as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of Christ is right there, at my fingertips. I will never need anything else.
Thanks for this essay!
I really appreciate you sharing my essay at the end!
I think you analyze the phenomenon of spirituality becoming an identity and using as an escape from the ordinary life very well. It’s the temptation Jane experiences at the end of the novel. It’s a strange paradox — but since we approach the spiritual path with the same maladaptive patterns that cause us to seek out the spiritual path in the first place, the spiritual path actually only works when it mirrors our patterns back to us and we gain insight into how we can stop indulging them. Then ironically, there is less need to escape our life and the urge to keep spiritually seeking dampens.
I think motherhood is a similar opportunity for our loss of an external identity to be replaced with a mirror. However, you explain very well in this post (and others) how people are quick to fill the void of identity loss with a new identity. Great stuff!
Thanks Christina - loved your analysis drawing on Jane Eyre. I need to read it again with your analysis-infused lens.
You raise an important and wise point - any path we're on - motherhood, corporate life, spiritual path - can mirror our patterns so that we can discover and change them. Some people make the spiritual path THE most superior, see the mirror effect but use insights as clout rather than in their application to cultivate virtue. What a waste.
Excellent! You’ve nailed a pathos that thankfully I was not enmeshed with and meticulously navigated. I was successful beyond even my own imagination yet very aware of the dangers of our culture and saw the writing on the wall. I gladly handed over most everything women like this competed for. I was happy to step aside, I had nothing to prove to anyone. I had my own murky waters to deal with married to a psychopathic narcissist and two very active, beautiful, intelligent girls while fighting the dark thoughts of suicide. I spent 2 hours every morning in my office reading, writing, praying before everyone woke up just to armor for the day. A habit I still have. My 2 hours turning in to many hours. I’m different from most people and definitely most women. (Read my comment above to understand this). I’ve been to hell and back and don’t regret a single minute. I can’t, I turned it into learning and understanding instead. I’m eternally optimistic. God has taught me to endure. Today my biggest challenge is to keep from falling. Funny how life works out.
Wow MissLadyK, you've got stories to tell about how you endured and got out of a toxic marriage, toxic workplaces and managed to flourish. You've been able to access your connection to God to guide you through challenges and endure whatever was thrown at you. Legend!
This is a very thorough essay. First, I too went through this as a Gen X career woman in tech who found herself pregnant at age 26 in 1999. I tried the "having it all thing" until the second child arrived in 2001 and then let it all go to stay home and raise them. Yes, there was a horrible identity crisis that followed and lasted a year. It was a dark year, and yes I discovered the way to peace through spirituality, but through the Catholic Church. For two reasons. First, they were the ones hosting the mom's groups for young mothers and two, that's the religion in which I was raised. In that space I had a spiritual director who helped me embrace the call of God and actualize it through the work of mothering, not online (we didn't have that back then) but through the children's ever changing needs. This meant that as they changed and grew, my role as mother also needed to do so. With time, we discovered a rhythm and still I'm changing, now truly empty nested and looking out toward the next place God calls me. However, I had my foray into the momma goddess sisterhood when I moved to Santa Cruz, CA in 2007. Everything you describe has been in place there since the 70s I'm sure. It was hippie culture now turned Instagram momma culture, but it is essentially an idealization of the East. Let's put it this way, every single one of my friends out there is 1) a yoga teacher and 2) a life coach. All of them seeking to improve me and guide me as their student. At first, I did embrace part of this, and still do in some ways. I found the herbalism route quite interesting and make my own medicines and beauty products. But the rest, nah. When Covid hit and my house burned down in a wildfire, I found this world of yoga mommas to be shallow. I returned to my Catholic faith and damn, it's good to be home. All the magic and empowerment I ever wanted as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of Christ is right there, at my fingertips. I will never need anything else.
Beautiful story of wandering through the wilderness to come home.
Some cultures value mothers. American culture does not.
Only if she's 'productive'!
Perfect. I’ve been curious about people in spirituality for a while now. Not that there’s anything wrong with real spirituality. But because it looks to me like it’s the perfect framework for someone with Narcissistic tendencies to elevate themself above others. It’s like money or power. Nothing inherently wrong with them. We need them. But it attracts certain types more than others.
People with narcissistic tendencies who assume their pious will use spirituality for clout rather than self-improvement. The women I had in mind who inspired this piece have become less humble over the years and more invested in being perceived as an authority.
I can check most of these boxes while married to a high functioning successful psychopathic narcissist. Which turned my attention from yearning for a monastic life during a 20 year marriage towards studying evil shortly after divorce. Where the parallel to your description splinter was the need to be the dominant partner. All I wanted was a scintilla of recognition. After spending my formative adult years as a successful manufacturing entrepreneur, I sold my business because I was too independent, too successful and knew I needed to experience the ability to conform a bit, to lose a little of my independence and fierce individualism. I needed to experience compromise and not feel I always knew best. I wanted to be a good partner in marriage and a nurturing mother who could be sacrificial. What God had in store for me after marriage was the most incredible journey imaginable. 20 years later into the marriage, God saved me from a Twilight Zone hell and dropped me into paradise, but not without nearly destroying me. Now 17 years later, I still struggle from the crippling effects of my association with a psychopathic narcissist, while completely grateful every day that I have the life I rebuilt after shedding this incredible encounter with evil. And yet, despite the intense emotional cruelty, I have learned more, have solid discernment, sorted out the difference between nice and kind and still unnerve, to an intense degree, others with “issues” without really even knowing what I did. I can only surmise my joy, inner confidence, knowledge and wisdom, through God’s grace, shakes them to their core. I have seen evil spew and thrust itself toward me in ways that are edifying. I thank God every day for forming me, steeling me and in all ways and every day reminding me to be humble to the point of bringing me to my knees. People, controlled by evil, hate me. Narcissists hate me. And I am eternally grateful, because I don’t seek this, I just live my life with laughter, joy, optimism and an undying love for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit with eyes wide open to the evil and fakery around me. My agenda is my own. I do not seek to evangelize and that could be my weakness. I help the successful not the victims. I hate the victim mentality, I hate intellectual honesty, a formula for self righteousness and powerlessness, and I hate haughtiness. I have helped good hard working people. struggling with bosses and corporations, to becoming successful entrepreneurs who love their life. My friends and I have the best time with tons of laughter and shared beliefs. I have the most beautiful homes, the best dogs, and love to cook. I love shopping for food, prepping, creating incredible meals and even the clean up. My homes are pristine, gardens manicured and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. The two people that help me with the physical demands are the best and I take good care of them, grateful that they care enough to do a good job. My life is incredible. I love writing, I love painting, I love the Bible and I love learning about life and culture around me. You have an important job and I look forward to learning more from you. Thank you!
It's great you have started on your own spiritual path and are aware of your effect on people. It can feel disruptive to life when someone you had a good rapport with eventually reacts to your presence because their negativity can't handle it. Like you, I've developed better boundaries to discern trustworthy people, remain pleasant and civil with those I don't trust, and developed mastery about my emotional responses to people's behaviour. Eastern traditions are helpful when women encounter then with respect, reverence and with proper guidance from a verified authority of that tradition.
Aren’t you sweet. It wasn’t until I really understood the difference between being nice and being kind that I got real clarity. I tell people, I’m not nice, but I’m always kind. This is very helpful without trying to figure out what types of boundaries to set. You can be yourself, maybe not so nice, but knowing you’re a kind person. Give yourself a few days to ponder this, at least I did. It was a concept that freed me from much stress.
Excellent essay – that LinkedIn post by Stacey Champagne made me laugh as she tagged it #womenincybersecurity – not sure why, something about that categorization says it all.
Thank you!
It’s so refreshing to read this and read the comments and know that there are others who feel this way. I always wanted to stay home and raise my children and homeschool them but I felt like society made me feel ashamed about that. My kids are a little older now and I feel lucky that I’ve been able to only work part time and I’ve had lots of family to help me but I have regrets. I wish I stayed true to myself instead of letting society dictate my life. I ended up homeschooling my children but it was hard while working part time. My husband has his own business so I originally kept working for the insurance and with three kids we needed my income but Iooking back we probably could have come up with a plan and lived on one income. I think if I had more support we could have done it. My mother in law was against me homeschooling my kids and she’s a feminist. Fir years I felt like I had to prove myself to her and thankfully I’m so over that. I wish I would have had the confidence in myself to do what I felt was right for our family instead of letting others opinions get in the way.
Thank you for reading it ProLisa. It's harder to go against an innate wisdom and urge to be with children instead of working, at least during the early years. Having a feminist MIL would have been a tough battle and it's great you managed to stop seeking her approval and do things your way.
I am someone dealing with the massive trauma caused by a malignant narcissist teen mother and your blog is very healing and informative, thank you for sharing your wisdom. Subscribed!
I'm so glad my work is healing and informative. I hope the path of your recovery and individuation from a narcissistic mother is filled with the best support along the way. Let me know if there is something else you'd like me to cover that can assist this process Vixen!
So damn good Nathalie! Have you read my latest post “Mother’s As Perfect Mothers As Prodigal?” This is a great companion piece. Mine is a more lyrical excavation. Sharing!
There’s a lot here. My daughter is a new mum and I find myself revisiting motherhood in a deeper way now that I’ve entered a new phase. I am gonna return to this because I think I have my own deeper thoughts about this that are too much for a comment and will end up being an essay in my substack.
Must be nice to be rich enough to have such problems.
I just want healthcare & a steady income.
Not one untrue word. Feeling lucky to have figured this out pretty quickly. It's all Oedipus all the time out there.
There’s so much here that I don’t feel I can reply too well in the 5 minutes or so I have before my kids wake up😄 I will say this aligns with many things I’ve noticed also, things I’ve been thinking about generally for years and more specifically lately. I find it helpful to think about all this in terms of feminine and masculine energy. So many women are “in their masculine” because our culture values that (and mainstream feminism has encouraged it), so achieving, doing, producing—the external—is what most of us can most easily access, and what brings status. Motherhood is very feminine energetically… there’s much more “being” required, and that’s very hard for women who have been conditioned that masculine energy is what is desirable and worthy.
Being a mother and an ambitious American woman is truly a whole thing. I haven’t read the Jane Eyre article yet but I had it saved already.
I appreciate your work so much!