The distance is key for me too. It might be distance in time, so that I’m no longer being triggered by their behaviour. It’s after time and space that I can observe more directly and own my part, take responsibility and accountability and see what they were trying to show me about myself. I wonder if one of the key aspects to let go of is righteousness. Feels true for me.
This is an important point Katrina- distance does make it easier to not be affected by their behaviour enough to tune into the message. I also agree that righteousness is unhelpful because it’s a barrier to accountability, despite it being a self-preserving strategy.
The concept of using a nemesis as a muse is effective but it can also be sad or triggering. I recently discovered I have a psychological nemesis. This person looks at the same data & research I do, seems to understand the psychology reasonably well & then comes to the exact opposite conclusions on most issues. They seemed decent so thought a debate sometime might be fun.
However, recently I saw them & they were either a little manic or becoming unhinged, but could only take a few minutes of it so idk. Sure I could have made them my muse but instead I just pitied them & realized they would probably turn into a triggered hot mess if we debated, which would be entertaining for some but probably not psychologically productive for anyone.
In my experience, Muses are best when they’re far away and I don’t directly interact with them. Im too close to the subject to be objective enough to see them as the challenger if I’m interacting with them.
It makes me wonder what constructs they’re triggering by coming to opposite conclusions to you!
Such a good exercise Nathalie. I will have to try this one for sure. Meanwhile until I can convert I’ll keep using my “kindly fuck off!” Coffee cup ☺️🙄
I like to use both strategies. The kindly fuck off is my knee jerk reaction. Acknowledging that theyre a pain in the ass is important. Once I have discharged my frustration, I have space to reframe the situation into one that supports me to get something useful from it. Good Luck with it Dee!
"My strength is my weakness, and my weakness is my strength".
Meaning, what we are good at, we put little effort into improving, while when we recognise what we are not good at, we undertake measures to better ourselves.
Love it Antipodes! It's great perspective to also avoid complacency and narcissism - overvaluing what we know and our greatness. There's always something that needs to be refined, improved on and learned and life has its way of pushing us to get the most out of it.
I enjoyed reading this--the diagram is fantastic. I'm in the process of reflecting on a past relational breakdown to fuel a massive writing project focused on the same purpose/mission. Ty!!!
There is a saying that I love "all of us are teachers, we teach people what to do and what not to do." I practice this approach, because at the end of the day I just want to be free. A reactive state is not freedom.
It's true Janedra - we could choose to view everyone as a teacher, even when they're doing it awful. They are modeling what not to do/no longer do while nudging us to liberate from our emotional states and perceptions that are holding our peace hostage.
How do you apply the idea that everyone is a teacher when they're being tricky?
I look at it as an opportunity to trust my instincts. Currently I'm working with the somatic aspects of narcissism abuse. I'm learning that my body instinctively knows when they're being tricky. In the past, I had to stuff that knowledge down in order to survive (my childhood especially) and many work environments. Today, rather than stuffing it down or ignoring it, if needed, I compartmentalize it in the moment, then design a strategy to protect myself using fight, flight or sometimes (I hate to admit it) a bit of fawning.
I can relate to this. There are definitely times in life - particularly when you are child - when you have to endure problematic situations in order to survive. But once you get enough safety and power, then... then... finally!, we get the luxury to truly listen to the messages our body has been sending us all this time!, and to take protective action!
Excellent advice. The toxic/character disordered individual sees our light and hope and wants to eliminate it. The awareness that they do not have these qualities is too painful for them. But we have something in ourselves that is greater than the power of their put-downs. We use that knowledge to push ourselves to greater self-compassion. Living Well is The Best Revenge.
Thanks Sue! Living well is the best revenge and making those nemesis become completely irrelavent, insignificant and obsolete is the chocolate topping on the cake.
Yes, using your nemesis as muse is totally feasible and a great way to work with the structural parts of our emotions, beliefs, and reactions when I find myself in activation.
Questions themselves will orbit around when, where, and how is the muse's behaviour reflective of my own? Also, i am looking at where, when, or how am I avoiding taking responsibility or protecting my ego from harm. The IFS framework of exiles, managers, and protectors offers a get set of tools too, that work with this same energy and dynamics of reacting to what we're being shown about ourselves by the people around us.
Wow! So much wisdom in this! This is really timely for me right now in so many ways. I don't have time to respond more fully now unfortunately, I will try to come back later. But I think you are on the money. It really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your hard-earned wisdom!
The distance is key for me too. It might be distance in time, so that I’m no longer being triggered by their behaviour. It’s after time and space that I can observe more directly and own my part, take responsibility and accountability and see what they were trying to show me about myself. I wonder if one of the key aspects to let go of is righteousness. Feels true for me.
This is an important point Katrina- distance does make it easier to not be affected by their behaviour enough to tune into the message. I also agree that righteousness is unhelpful because it’s a barrier to accountability, despite it being a self-preserving strategy.
"Righteousness" is a key word for me! I definitely need to move out from the grip of my "self righteousness" in times on strife.
The concept of using a nemesis as a muse is effective but it can also be sad or triggering. I recently discovered I have a psychological nemesis. This person looks at the same data & research I do, seems to understand the psychology reasonably well & then comes to the exact opposite conclusions on most issues. They seemed decent so thought a debate sometime might be fun.
However, recently I saw them & they were either a little manic or becoming unhinged, but could only take a few minutes of it so idk. Sure I could have made them my muse but instead I just pitied them & realized they would probably turn into a triggered hot mess if we debated, which would be entertaining for some but probably not psychologically productive for anyone.
Psychological nemesis- love it!
In my experience, Muses are best when they’re far away and I don’t directly interact with them. Im too close to the subject to be objective enough to see them as the challenger if I’m interacting with them.
It makes me wonder what constructs they’re triggering by coming to opposite conclusions to you!
I love it.
As renowned philosopher Johnny Lawrence puts it, you have to "flip the script."
You just have to 'flip the script' indeed Andrew. Otherwise we remain stuck in a crappy story!
Thank you for your comment!
Mmmm will definately have to utilise this strategy. A few large irritants that have been very hard to get to the bottom of and shake.
Another - being too open. Our different default modes.
Such a good exercise Nathalie. I will have to try this one for sure. Meanwhile until I can convert I’ll keep using my “kindly fuck off!” Coffee cup ☺️🙄
It can be a tough thing to do when charged up. Kudos to you if you can do it!
I like to use both strategies. The kindly fuck off is my knee jerk reaction. Acknowledging that theyre a pain in the ass is important. Once I have discharged my frustration, I have space to reframe the situation into one that supports me to get something useful from it. Good Luck with it Dee!
Thank you Nathalie. Generally “pause when agitated” is a good starting place for me.
It is a similar proposition to my idea:
"My strength is my weakness, and my weakness is my strength".
Meaning, what we are good at, we put little effort into improving, while when we recognise what we are not good at, we undertake measures to better ourselves.
Love it Antipodes! It's great perspective to also avoid complacency and narcissism - overvaluing what we know and our greatness. There's always something that needs to be refined, improved on and learned and life has its way of pushing us to get the most out of it.
I enjoyed reading this--the diagram is fantastic. I'm in the process of reflecting on a past relational breakdown to fuel a massive writing project focused on the same purpose/mission. Ty!!!
Love the timing! Let that writing rip and use all that history as your muse!!!!
There is a saying that I love "all of us are teachers, we teach people what to do and what not to do." I practice this approach, because at the end of the day I just want to be free. A reactive state is not freedom.
It's true Janedra - we could choose to view everyone as a teacher, even when they're doing it awful. They are modeling what not to do/no longer do while nudging us to liberate from our emotional states and perceptions that are holding our peace hostage.
How do you apply the idea that everyone is a teacher when they're being tricky?
I look at it as an opportunity to trust my instincts. Currently I'm working with the somatic aspects of narcissism abuse. I'm learning that my body instinctively knows when they're being tricky. In the past, I had to stuff that knowledge down in order to survive (my childhood especially) and many work environments. Today, rather than stuffing it down or ignoring it, if needed, I compartmentalize it in the moment, then design a strategy to protect myself using fight, flight or sometimes (I hate to admit it) a bit of fawning.
I can relate to this. There are definitely times in life - particularly when you are child - when you have to endure problematic situations in order to survive. But once you get enough safety and power, then... then... finally!, we get the luxury to truly listen to the messages our body has been sending us all this time!, and to take protective action!
Excellent advice. The toxic/character disordered individual sees our light and hope and wants to eliminate it. The awareness that they do not have these qualities is too painful for them. But we have something in ourselves that is greater than the power of their put-downs. We use that knowledge to push ourselves to greater self-compassion. Living Well is The Best Revenge.
Thanks Sue! Living well is the best revenge and making those nemesis become completely irrelavent, insignificant and obsolete is the chocolate topping on the cake.
Yes, using your nemesis as muse is totally feasible and a great way to work with the structural parts of our emotions, beliefs, and reactions when I find myself in activation.
Questions themselves will orbit around when, where, and how is the muse's behaviour reflective of my own? Also, i am looking at where, when, or how am I avoiding taking responsibility or protecting my ego from harm. The IFS framework of exiles, managers, and protectors offers a get set of tools too, that work with this same energy and dynamics of reacting to what we're being shown about ourselves by the people around us.
Wow! So much wisdom in this! This is really timely for me right now in so many ways. I don't have time to respond more fully now unfortunately, I will try to come back later. But I think you are on the money. It really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your hard-earned wisdom!