How to become a Narcissism Hacker
What's in it for you?
Welcome, new readers! If you joined me from late 2024 onward, here’s what you should know: I don’t do politics, scandals, or celebrity narcissist exposés. I also don’t talk about myself much—except when sharing the actions I’ve taken to navigate difficult relationships and situations (including what I’m doing now). I’m not a community builder as too many morph into moderate cults, and I have no interest in leading anyone, except my kids toward independence and virtue.
That said, I do hold the hands of many readers here. Paid subscribers know they can reach out in the chat for general insights, soundboarding ideas, and to discuss deeply personal dilemmas. Some take the leap when they need more than just my writing, and I love receiving their help requests and feedback. The knowledge I’ve gained from navigating my own tricky relationships isn’t meant to stay locked away. Suffering should have an expiry date, and if I can help speed up that process, it’s a win-win.
Some readers have long-term battles that require regular check-ins and ongoing chats, often becoming Founding Members. I’ve had phone calls, video sessions, voice messages, and deep asynchronous conversations as they battle their demons, untangle themselves from narcissistic relationships, and finally find peace — many for the first time in years. More than once, I’ve been told my guidance brought such relief that they actually slept better that night. Many have gone on to offer similar support to others, creating a ripple effect of relief.
Over time, a few of these connections evolved into friendships. But here’s the catch: shifting from an expert-reader/client dynamic to a mutual friendship requires a recalibration of power. If that transition doesn’t happen consciously, one person keeps giving, while the other keeps taking. That’s not a friendship — it’s unpaid consulting. I and countless others have made that mistake before. Now, I make sure to define the relationship shift explicitly when there’s mutual interest and negotiate how the shift proceeds so both sides will experience true reciprocity. Why am I sharing this? Because this is just one example of what I’ve learned about navigating power and relationships and the skills that prevent dysfunction and resentment that so many people never stop to examine.
Why else am I sharing this? Because I want you, lovely readers, to engage—ask questions, explore ideas, and challenge your assumptions. Too often people get distracted by current events, battling strangers and loved ones over clashing values or obsessing over things they can’t control while avoiding the difficult realities in their own lives that they can change. It’s part of our conditioning—seeking the familiarity of chaos rather than the discomfort of peace. I’ll also be opening up more ways to interact, including monthly Substack lives with short discourses and AMAs for paid subscribers, as well as live sessions with special guests.
I’m doing one with Katherine Brodsky on Thursday Jan 30 at 4pm PST (Jan 31, 11am AEDT). Join us!
What is Interpersonal Dysfunction?
Interpersonal dysfunction refers to persistent patterns of behaviour, communication, or emotional regulation that disrupt healthy relationships. It can manifest in various ways, from chronic conflict and poor boundaries to manipulation, avoidance, or an inability to connect authentically.
Signs of interpersonal dysfunction in Substack interactions, personal, and professional relationships
Poor communication: Poor reading comprehension due to activated emotional filters, frequent misunderstandings, passive-aggressiveness, or an inability to express needs clearly.
Unhealthy boundaries: Either too rigid (pushing people away) or too porous (people-pleasing, codependency).
Emotional volatility: Reacting impulsively, being overly defensive, or struggle to self-regulate.
Control and manipulation: Using guilt, blame, or dominance to influence others instead of engaging with respect or not engaging in drama at all.
Chronic conflict or avoidance: Either constant fighting or withdrawal instead of addressing issues directly.
Lack of self-awareness: Inability to recognise one’s own role in relational struggles and conflict, often externalising blame.
At its core, interpersonal dysfunction creates chaos, resentment, and disconnection instead of mutual understanding, trust, and respect. It’s often rooted in past experiences, relational blueprints, unexamined beliefs, or emotional wounds that shape how people relate to others.
What is a Narcissism Hacker?
A Narcissism Hacker disrupts toxic relational patterns and exposes interpersonal narcissism, helping individuals break free from manipulation, emotional traps, and dysfunctional dynamics. We don’t just talk about boundaries; we guide others in rewriting the psychological code that keeps them stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) and caught in cycles of over-explaining, appeasing, or emotionally reacting. Most importantly, we help people recognise how they contribute to the drama they’re trying to stop.
By seeing the hidden scripts and myths that govern relationships, such as the unspoken rules that force individuals into roles like people-pleaser, fixer, drama stoker, or scapegoat, a Narcissism Hacker helps people exit the Dreaded Drama Triangle for good. This process that involves ego management, also fosters character development, enhancing virtues and emotional maturity as by-products of rewiring these traits.
A Narcissism Hacker doesn’t just address the surface-level dynamics; we expose the underlying code of dysfunction to help reprogram emotional and behavioural patterns, strengthening psychological firewalls to prevent future manipulation. This allows people to stop playing draining roles of the Dreaded Drama Triangle and family archetypes to individuate as a sovereign being. Instead of reacting to narcissistic tactics, they respond with self-awareness, discernment, and control—breaking cycles that once felt inescapable.
People eventually stop the shame spiral, see through emotional manipulation in real-time, and shift the focus from reaction to strategy. Rather than being emotionally pulled into conflict, they zoom out, analyse the dynamic, and respond with intention, controlling their energy instead of letting the situation control them.
If you’re new here and don’t know where to start, scroll through the Hacking Narcissism Compilation by topic of interest.
Let’s hack interpersonal narcissism and dysfunctional dynamics together in 2025.
Nathalie
Hack narcissism and support my work
I believe that a common threat to our individual and collective thriving is an addiction to power and control. This addiction fuels and is fuelled by greed - the desire to accumulate and control resources in social, information (and attention), economic, ecological, geographical and political systems.
While activists focus on fighting macro issues, I believe that activism also needs to focus on the micro issues - the narcissistic traits that pollute relationships between you and I, and between each other, without contributing to existing injustice. It’s not as exciting as fighting the Big Baddies yet hacking, resisting and overriding our tendencies to control others that also manifest as our macro issues is my full-time job.
I’m dedicated to helping people understand all the ways narcissistic traits infiltrate and taint our interpersonal, professional, organisational and political relationships, and provide strategies for narcissism hackers to fight back and find peace.
Here’s how you can help.
Order my book: The Little Book of Assertiveness: Speak up with confidence
Support my work:
through a Substack subscription
by sharing my work with your loved ones and networks
by citing my work in your presentations and posts
by inviting me to speak, deliver training or consult for your organisation
Excellent book recommendation. I haven't read it yet but assertiveness has helped me understand how to interact w more harmony and understanding in a respectful way
Brilliant.