15 Comments

Is it a hill I’m willing to die on?

Whilst sitting in my rocking chair at 105, will this still bother me?

Is this my circus? Are they monkeys?

If the answer to the above is “no”, then I can let it go.

Thank you for these insightful articles. they are so appropos, especially nowadays.

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Thank you Freeq O' Nature for taking us through your cognitive process to aid self-restraint!

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Lol it doesn’t always work. Knee-jerk reactions still happen quite freequently (pun intended). But it is something to aspire to when possible.

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Having been clinically depressed, I realized after indulging in negativity for far too long that I was making my depression worse from lack of emotional restraint. Only after I got off social media and recognized that emotions should not be 'free', meaning unconstrained, to run amok, did I actually solve the emotional volatility at the root of the depression. I appreciate the attention you give here to what might seem like a paradoxical version of freedom which is actually real freedom. Minimizing constraints isn't a recipe for a healthy society.

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Society without self-restraint is a Cluster B society. Thank you as well for sharing what helped you address the root cause of your depression - unrestrained emotions. A little self-regulation goes a long way!

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"Cage brave" is an expression I learned volunteering at an animal shelter. Some dogs will act absolutely psychotic and aggressive so long as they're behind a barrier. Once you take away the barrier -- e.g. opening the kennel door -- they suddenly become meek and submissive. The barrier was protecting them, not you. I think there's a metaphor in that.

We're all apes with a bigger frontal cortext. People talking trash are hooting and thumping their chests to assert dominance. They're not using words to communicate. They're making noises to signal. On the other side, there's likewise an instinct to counter-signal and reject their dominance ("defending your honor"), and the whole thing degenerates.

Once I noticed that -- both in others and myself -- it became a lot easier to avoid getting personally and emotionally invested. We're not ACTUALLY competing for dominance and I don't need to get sucked into that game. My primary audience isn't that person at all. I'm just using him as a foil. My real audience is third-party readers who will read and judge for themselves. And if we don't have any readers, then the whole conversation has little or no utility. So it's easy to step away without feeling like I've somehow "lost" or submitted. On the contrary, staying rational or stepping away becomes the dominant move.

Of course, people like that can be dangerous, especially in large numbers. You can't ignore a lynch mob at the door. But online, they're often lashing out precisely because they feel weak and ineffectual and unhappy in real life. They're just redirecting that frustration at me. The internet is their kennel door, keeping me a safe distance away. Again, recognizing that makes it a lot easier. It becomes like arguing with a child; you might use it as a teaching opportunity, but you don't feel threatened or like you have to "win".

Maybe if I were a better person, I'd feel bad for them, since they're clearly bitter and angry about something in their lives and trying to take it out on me. But I'm not a better person, so instead I find it tremendously funny. I'm just sorry they don't get the joke.

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This is an excellent metaphor that I've not heard before - cage brave. Getting out of the competitive drive to overpower the other is liberating.

People who can't laugh at themselves and take everything literally and seriously make it hard to have compassion. It is funny when people get so serious about trivial exchanges.

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Well-spoken, CPK…love the juxtaposition of Cage Brave and the Intertubes having a kennel door.

My attitude about this when I encounter it is “Joke ‘em if they can’t take a fuck.”

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"I know I can get carried away if I don’t take a breath when something I read, read or see gets my heart pumping and blood boiling. I have to be aware that I’m activated enough to say or do something I’ll regret later to stop myself from doing it."

Somatic Self-Awareness = Precursor to Self-Restraint

If you are cut off from your body and not aware of its cues, it makes it more difficult to respond instead of react.

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I'm shocked to see these aggressive comments arriving now also on Substack. It was such a peaceful place.

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Easily remedied with cull your feed and blocking/muting aggressors and trolls. Good luck on cleaning it up!

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This post is timely as I’ve been reconsidering my approach.

I usually reply with an attempt to genuinely de escalate or am very harsh.

After some comments I got in a Facebook group this week my new approach is an immediate block on Facebook or a ban on Substack (whichever platform it happened on).

To be clear, I am referring to comments and behaviors that are deliberately mean, passive aggressive (we’re not idiots. All of us know what those types of comments mean.)

Annoying or condescending or otherwise iffy comments are welcome, but if it’s just mean they get a ban.

A few years ago, I became an admin of a Facebook group for women in Paris. With 11,000 people.

One of the things my co-admins and I implemented was one warning, and then a ban on people who wrote mean comments.

Within a month, the group became a helpful environment.

I

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Boundaries that are implemented consistently can deter bad faith actors or people having a bad enough day that they don't self-regulate. It's tough to moderate such a large group!

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Can you imagine what cats and dogs would write if they could comment on posts? 😂

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Thanks Doc. As usual your wisdom carries the day. I’m teeing your words exactly as I experience the type of troll attack you’re describing. This too shall pass. 🙏

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