Male covert narcissism: the alpha who poses as a beta
How to spot a Faux Beta Man
My work is often inspired by the encounters I have with others that intrigue me, especially when it involves a play for power. In the past, I would feel flustered by interactions with someone trying to dominate or undermine me. Now, I can see the unfolding of the power play in real time and use their underestimation of me to my advantage without trying to overpower or overthrow them. Naturally, there’s a story behind this informative and practical piece that I need to keep to myself for now.
Narcissism is more than self-obsession, entitlement, and attention. Narcissism is expressed as behaviours that promote and sustain dominance and control over another person in a relationship or a group (ie. a cult). Interpersonal narcissism is a feature of hierarchical relationships with someone who employs narcissistic behaviours to maintain a power differential with someone else. One type of power dynamic that frustrates people is the hierarchical relationship that is perceived as a mutual relationship by one or both parties. It’s frustrating because this dynamic is so common in our personal and professional relationships and difficult to shift when one person is accustomed to being in control.
In a dominance-based hierarchy, one person will dictate the norms and expectations of the relationship. The other who desires equality and reciprocity will challenge, question, and rebel against them to level the power imbalance when they realise they are the subordinate person in the relationship.
This can also describe the dynamic between an alpha and beta male in a relationship of any kind. The alpha male is a self-assured, confident, assertive, high status man who takes the lead in situations while commanding respect from others. He can also be competitive and aggressive toward others to maintain his dominance in the social hierarchy.
The beta male is subservient and takes on a more passive role in social situations, relationships and in professional settings. He tends to be sensitive, empathetic, emotionally literate, self-deprecating and charming, using humour to disarm people to quickly build trust. The beta male comes across as humble compared to the alpha male, giving the impression that he’s relatable and approachable. In a professional setting, women adore him and feel safe to open up to him because they rarely come across a sensitive man. He might be a leader who has a domineering sidekick and plays the bad cop to his good cop role.
The Faux Beta Man is high on his covert narcissism supply
It’s easy to distinguish the alpha from the beta males in a relationship. It’s confusing when the alpha masquerades as a beta male because he’s approachable and relational (ie. implying a desire to share power with you) while enforcing the hierarchy by asserting his dominance with covert aggression. This is similar to how women express aggression behind smiles, calm voices and controlled emotions, making it difficult to call it aggression. Faux Beta Men are everywhere and are predominantly found in helping professions with entrenched hierarchies. You often encounter these men (and women) as medical professionals, mental health professionals, healers, yoga teachers, social activists, and academics. They turn up as Gurupreneurs and Social Injustice Warriors too.
Covert narcissism, as the name implies, is subtle and harder to notice because it’s obscured by behaviours that make the person appear weak, vulnerable and in need of saving. People who see themselves as stronger and more resourceful than the covert narcissist feel disarmed and unthreatened by such a person, unaware they are slowly being manipulated, exploited, and controlled. I described covert narcissism broadly and one of its manifestations as a subtype of intellectual property theft known as knowledge vampirism.
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