It’s funny I have you tagged in my post for today with similar sentiments. I imagine women think this is normal because we have social incentives men don’t — the need to maintain status without looking like it ends up producing a false sense of both inferiority AND superiority (because the former can manifest as the latter which you’ve probably said over all these essays). And the need to maintain status covertly along with a society that’s now about performance rather than substance uniquely affects us. That then shows up in our thought.
The "without looking like it" part is key. I think the behaviour stands out to me because I've developed a high sensitivity to distortion. Once you start paying attention to the gap between what people believe they're communicating and what they're actually communicating, it's difficult to stop seeing it.
Thought-provoking as always. My experience both aligns with and differs from what you describe here in ways that spark my curiosity about both the communicator and the receiver in these sorts of encounters.
Some of my most meaningful collaborations (and friendships) have come from approaching people and being approached in this way. Have also encountered/been unresponsive. Your post has me thinking about whats at play in that dynamic.
Love this Nathalie! It gives such a pause for reflection. I’ve experienced the ick of reading introductory messages that felt - and were- very entitled and condescending. I can also see where I’ve been drawn to others’ work and have been super awkward and lacked clarity in my contact that it’s no wonder there was zero response. Thank you for putting into words this multi layered dynamic!
Thank you!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 I can’t like this enough. I’ve been iced out here and there for not playing these games and I’m fine with that — I prefer actual relationship building and connection. So glad we connected. 💛🫶
Let me take the other side of this for a moment, at least in part, as a mental exercise. We’ll see whether it makes sense or has a “there” there.
Social media was originally sold to us for the “social” part, but it’s the “media” part that we were actually buying. And a medium mediates.
Just like the fourth state of water is the medium through which information moves in our bodies, the internet is the medium through which information is moving from one node (me) to another node (you) and vis versa. They told us it was a “network,” but I didn’t think about what that meant. A community has different social milieux; there are strictly personal, strictly professional, and some in-between. But social media is actually mostly the last two. I suspect the vast majority of time spent here is monetized, or in the interest of monetization.
I don’t have a problem with that, but I DO have a problem with fakery around it. Would I write for the public as much as I do if I didn’t need to make a living? Probably not, and it’s a good incentive that I am grateful for (I don’t make one on Substack, but I do work almost entirely remotely so people find me in the webs), but I left Instagram when it began to feel like the only content that could be visible had to be selling something. But, the consequence of that is that the assumption is that the whole space is one big networking event, where you are expected to hand out your card and ask for cards in return.
I believe that fiat currency and the global monetary system has created this and is the root of 99% of everything, but that’s another story for another day. For now, I think this situation raises the bar on the need to hone the ability to gracefully say, and accept, “no” for an answer.
I’m choosing to name that and embrace it more and more, but there are a lot of growing pains in both directions. I had a good client for several years who elected not to continue our work together when we reached a natural stopping point, and then completely ghosted my outreach to make sure that we were in good standing and had no unfinished business from her side.
I found myself taking it really personally, as if I were entitled to a response from someone beyond the terms of our clear, paid-in-full contract, and I noticed that I felt that way. My dentist doesn’t feel that way, despite the fact that I haven’t seen her in four years😂 But the constancy of electronic communications has lulled us into a weird parasocial space in what would, formerly, have been clearly professional.
It’s funny I have you tagged in my post for today with similar sentiments. I imagine women think this is normal because we have social incentives men don’t — the need to maintain status without looking like it ends up producing a false sense of both inferiority AND superiority (because the former can manifest as the latter which you’ve probably said over all these essays). And the need to maintain status covertly along with a society that’s now about performance rather than substance uniquely affects us. That then shows up in our thought.
The "without looking like it" part is key. I think the behaviour stands out to me because I've developed a high sensitivity to distortion. Once you start paying attention to the gap between what people believe they're communicating and what they're actually communicating, it's difficult to stop seeing it.
I'm looking forward to your piece!
My whole life struggle seems to be about that gap
Thought-provoking as always. My experience both aligns with and differs from what you describe here in ways that spark my curiosity about both the communicator and the receiver in these sorts of encounters.
You've piqued my curiosity, Joan. What are you wondering about the communicator and the receiver?
Some of my most meaningful collaborations (and friendships) have come from approaching people and being approached in this way. Have also encountered/been unresponsive. Your post has me thinking about whats at play in that dynamic.
Love this Nathalie! It gives such a pause for reflection. I’ve experienced the ick of reading introductory messages that felt - and were- very entitled and condescending. I can also see where I’ve been drawn to others’ work and have been super awkward and lacked clarity in my contact that it’s no wonder there was zero response. Thank you for putting into words this multi layered dynamic!
Thank you!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 I can’t like this enough. I’ve been iced out here and there for not playing these games and I’m fine with that — I prefer actual relationship building and connection. So glad we connected. 💛🫶
Let me take the other side of this for a moment, at least in part, as a mental exercise. We’ll see whether it makes sense or has a “there” there.
Social media was originally sold to us for the “social” part, but it’s the “media” part that we were actually buying. And a medium mediates.
Just like the fourth state of water is the medium through which information moves in our bodies, the internet is the medium through which information is moving from one node (me) to another node (you) and vis versa. They told us it was a “network,” but I didn’t think about what that meant. A community has different social milieux; there are strictly personal, strictly professional, and some in-between. But social media is actually mostly the last two. I suspect the vast majority of time spent here is monetized, or in the interest of monetization.
I don’t have a problem with that, but I DO have a problem with fakery around it. Would I write for the public as much as I do if I didn’t need to make a living? Probably not, and it’s a good incentive that I am grateful for (I don’t make one on Substack, but I do work almost entirely remotely so people find me in the webs), but I left Instagram when it began to feel like the only content that could be visible had to be selling something. But, the consequence of that is that the assumption is that the whole space is one big networking event, where you are expected to hand out your card and ask for cards in return.
I believe that fiat currency and the global monetary system has created this and is the root of 99% of everything, but that’s another story for another day. For now, I think this situation raises the bar on the need to hone the ability to gracefully say, and accept, “no” for an answer.
I’m choosing to name that and embrace it more and more, but there are a lot of growing pains in both directions. I had a good client for several years who elected not to continue our work together when we reached a natural stopping point, and then completely ghosted my outreach to make sure that we were in good standing and had no unfinished business from her side.
I found myself taking it really personally, as if I were entitled to a response from someone beyond the terms of our clear, paid-in-full contract, and I noticed that I felt that way. My dentist doesn’t feel that way, despite the fact that I haven’t seen her in four years😂 But the constancy of electronic communications has lulled us into a weird parasocial space in what would, formerly, have been clearly professional.
Excellent writing and analysis. Thank you.