She sounds exactly like the 'conscious spiritual' altruistic Social Injustice Warrior recruiting for her cult. I'm sorry that you were betrayed by an opportunistic friend who blamed you for the abuser's actions and then aligned herself with the perpetrator. It's sad that many others get sucked in and will endure gaslighting and bullying.
She sounds exactly like the 'conscious spiritual' altruistic Social Injustice Warrior recruiting for her cult. I'm sorry that you were betrayed by an opportunistic friend who blamed you for the abuser's actions and then aligned herself with the perpetrator. It's sad that many others get sucked in and will endure gaslighting and bullying.
I wrote a piece about how relationship loss (like leaving an abusive relationship) can set us up to trust the wrong person...and how to prevent that. I hope it's useful:
Thank you for the link. So true. I met the abusive ex three years after the death of my husband of 27 years.
I can't help but wonder how much being sucked in to a bad relationship is facilitated by cultural pressure to be mated up and social. I had people constantly trying to set me up with the widow from the church or the nice divorcee down the street. I don't know why it would make any difference to anyone that I was alone but it did. I was very obviously excluded from social events in this small town where I was invited when I had a mate. I scoffed at the idea of dating online but that is where I ended up and I fell for the first man who seemed to care (love bombing to the max) And after getting out of that hell I felt pressure to remain involved with people because I was told that !THE ONLY! way I would "heal" is to "keep my heart open" - presumably to humans.
Excuse me but fuck that shit. No. the only way to "heal" is to do it. Or not. Even the therapist I was seeing became controlling and abusive. I walked out when she called me stubborn because my sense of forgiveness was not the same as hers (oh yeah, forgiveness - another real huge can of cultural worms there) But the only time I was truly suicidal was after that vulture/yoga teacher swooped down to pick over the remains of my life. I gave up. I know I was ripe but I still cannot understand the cruelty of both the ex and the yoga teacher. I cannot understand the thinking and feeling that would allow someone to treat another person in that manner. If you don't like me and I am not harming you then leave me alone. I don't think that is asking too much but apparently it is. For someone who takes pleasure in sucking the joy from another person I was easy pickin's.
I still feel "lonely" at times but I also feel I have very little in common with the people in my vicinity and age group. So I cross country ski and backpack with my dog. The forest and the mountains are the places I feel loved and can safely reciprocate. I paint the landscapes that make me smile and hang them on the wall in my house. I quit working as a massage therapist because I could no longer feel that unconditional positive regard for the person on the table but I still grow a lot of food and share it with my neighbors. I'm okay with a phone that doesn't ring, an empty mailbox and being known as the reclusive and rather testy old lady on the hill. For the first time in my life I truly own it. I don't think I could live any other way now.
Thank you for your writing. More people need to understand this stuff.
Heidi, you're a legend. A deep bow to your commitment to healing, and choosing solitude over dissatisfying social interactions.
It's a tough path to choose to extract yourself from norms and conventions that have harmed you when everything about society screams at you to conform. Healing serial abuses often requires deliberately removing yourself from society for a time to regain access to your entire psyche while previous owners (those you described above) are no longer able to gain their psychic supply from you.
I hope nature, your dog and meaningful interactions with neighbours continues to provide you with the company that heals relational wounds, as well as those kindred spirits you meet in the interwebs.
Another seemingly backwards bit of advice I've heard/read/been told repeatedly (besides the "keep your heart open") is that one must be "vulnerable" in order for people to trust/like/want to be friends. From my experience people in this culture WANT you to be vulnerable so they can know exactly to manipulate you.
Another bit of un-advice I received was that if I thought of myself as "tough" the "universe" would make a point of throwing shit at me.
#1 - since when is victim blaming okay?
#2 - am I the only one who thinks it is rather self centered to believe that I am important enough for the "universe" to even know who I am let alone arrange/compel others to behave in a certain way to challenge me?
And then add to that the manner in which being a victim of a crime also means you are going to be shunned by people who don't want to hear about anything but unicorns and sunny days so you grow a thicker skin and then that causes the universe to throw shit at you?
At least you see through all the victim blaming/shaming religious-spiritually bypassing bullshit. You're exactly right - the advice was developed by serial exploiters to justify their abuses, similarly to perpetrators of religious abuse.
There are reasons we don't give trust and don't forgive people - it just hurts you more to sacrifice yourself for teachings disseminated by abuser apologists and enablers.
She sounds exactly like the 'conscious spiritual' altruistic Social Injustice Warrior recruiting for her cult. I'm sorry that you were betrayed by an opportunistic friend who blamed you for the abuser's actions and then aligned herself with the perpetrator. It's sad that many others get sucked in and will endure gaslighting and bullying.
I wrote a piece about how relationship loss (like leaving an abusive relationship) can set us up to trust the wrong person...and how to prevent that. I hope it's useful:
https://nathaliemartinekphd.substack.com/p/toxicdeath?utm_source=%2Fsearch%2Floss&utm_medium=reader2
Thank you for the link. So true. I met the abusive ex three years after the death of my husband of 27 years.
I can't help but wonder how much being sucked in to a bad relationship is facilitated by cultural pressure to be mated up and social. I had people constantly trying to set me up with the widow from the church or the nice divorcee down the street. I don't know why it would make any difference to anyone that I was alone but it did. I was very obviously excluded from social events in this small town where I was invited when I had a mate. I scoffed at the idea of dating online but that is where I ended up and I fell for the first man who seemed to care (love bombing to the max) And after getting out of that hell I felt pressure to remain involved with people because I was told that !THE ONLY! way I would "heal" is to "keep my heart open" - presumably to humans.
Excuse me but fuck that shit. No. the only way to "heal" is to do it. Or not. Even the therapist I was seeing became controlling and abusive. I walked out when she called me stubborn because my sense of forgiveness was not the same as hers (oh yeah, forgiveness - another real huge can of cultural worms there) But the only time I was truly suicidal was after that vulture/yoga teacher swooped down to pick over the remains of my life. I gave up. I know I was ripe but I still cannot understand the cruelty of both the ex and the yoga teacher. I cannot understand the thinking and feeling that would allow someone to treat another person in that manner. If you don't like me and I am not harming you then leave me alone. I don't think that is asking too much but apparently it is. For someone who takes pleasure in sucking the joy from another person I was easy pickin's.
I still feel "lonely" at times but I also feel I have very little in common with the people in my vicinity and age group. So I cross country ski and backpack with my dog. The forest and the mountains are the places I feel loved and can safely reciprocate. I paint the landscapes that make me smile and hang them on the wall in my house. I quit working as a massage therapist because I could no longer feel that unconditional positive regard for the person on the table but I still grow a lot of food and share it with my neighbors. I'm okay with a phone that doesn't ring, an empty mailbox and being known as the reclusive and rather testy old lady on the hill. For the first time in my life I truly own it. I don't think I could live any other way now.
Thank you for your writing. More people need to understand this stuff.
Heidi, you're a legend. A deep bow to your commitment to healing, and choosing solitude over dissatisfying social interactions.
It's a tough path to choose to extract yourself from norms and conventions that have harmed you when everything about society screams at you to conform. Healing serial abuses often requires deliberately removing yourself from society for a time to regain access to your entire psyche while previous owners (those you described above) are no longer able to gain their psychic supply from you.
I hope nature, your dog and meaningful interactions with neighbours continues to provide you with the company that heals relational wounds, as well as those kindred spirits you meet in the interwebs.
Another seemingly backwards bit of advice I've heard/read/been told repeatedly (besides the "keep your heart open") is that one must be "vulnerable" in order for people to trust/like/want to be friends. From my experience people in this culture WANT you to be vulnerable so they can know exactly to manipulate you.
Another bit of un-advice I received was that if I thought of myself as "tough" the "universe" would make a point of throwing shit at me.
#1 - since when is victim blaming okay?
#2 - am I the only one who thinks it is rather self centered to believe that I am important enough for the "universe" to even know who I am let alone arrange/compel others to behave in a certain way to challenge me?
And then add to that the manner in which being a victim of a crime also means you are going to be shunned by people who don't want to hear about anything but unicorns and sunny days so you grow a thicker skin and then that causes the universe to throw shit at you?
yeah, right
At least you see through all the victim blaming/shaming religious-spiritually bypassing bullshit. You're exactly right - the advice was developed by serial exploiters to justify their abuses, similarly to perpetrators of religious abuse.
There are reasons we don't give trust and don't forgive people - it just hurts you more to sacrifice yourself for teachings disseminated by abuser apologists and enablers.
Deprogramming/de-assimilating is key to healing.