A woman bought a house in this small town. She taught yoga and led bird walks and drum circles and volunteered for everything. I had just left an abusive relationship and she became my "best friend" - invitations, phone calls, got me to attend a woman's support group with her where she eventually expressed her belief that I deserved the abuse because I did something or other (I didn't stick around to hear her reasoning - which the facilitator was not shutting down) and the only answer was for me to sell my house and move. I was kicked out of her yoga class when I said no. She told me she could no longer be my friend because I didn't want her help. I later saw a photo of her with the abusive ex so I think there are parts to this story that I will never know but I do know I felt uncomfortable about the large way she came into my life and I ignored it. I won't make that mistake again. I trust no one.
She sounds exactly like the 'conscious spiritual' altruistic Social Injustice Warrior recruiting for her cult. I'm sorry that you were betrayed by an opportunistic friend who blamed you for the abuser's actions and then aligned herself with the perpetrator. It's sad that many others get sucked in and will endure gaslighting and bullying.
I wrote a piece about how relationship loss (like leaving an abusive relationship) can set us up to trust the wrong person...and how to prevent that. I hope it's useful:
Thank you for the link. So true. I met the abusive ex three years after the death of my husband of 27 years.
I can't help but wonder how much being sucked in to a bad relationship is facilitated by cultural pressure to be mated up and social. I had people constantly trying to set me up with the widow from the church or the nice divorcee down the street. I don't know why it would make any difference to anyone that I was alone but it did. I was very obviously excluded from social events in this small town where I was invited when I had a mate. I scoffed at the idea of dating online but that is where I ended up and I fell for the first man who seemed to care (love bombing to the max) And after getting out of that hell I felt pressure to remain involved with people because I was told that !THE ONLY! way I would "heal" is to "keep my heart open" - presumably to humans.
Excuse me but fuck that shit. No. the only way to "heal" is to do it. Or not. Even the therapist I was seeing became controlling and abusive. I walked out when she called me stubborn because my sense of forgiveness was not the same as hers (oh yeah, forgiveness - another real huge can of cultural worms there) But the only time I was truly suicidal was after that vulture/yoga teacher swooped down to pick over the remains of my life. I gave up. I know I was ripe but I still cannot understand the cruelty of both the ex and the yoga teacher. I cannot understand the thinking and feeling that would allow someone to treat another person in that manner. If you don't like me and I am not harming you then leave me alone. I don't think that is asking too much but apparently it is. For someone who takes pleasure in sucking the joy from another person I was easy pickin's.
I still feel "lonely" at times but I also feel I have very little in common with the people in my vicinity and age group. So I cross country ski and backpack with my dog. The forest and the mountains are the places I feel loved and can safely reciprocate. I paint the landscapes that make me smile and hang them on the wall in my house. I quit working as a massage therapist because I could no longer feel that unconditional positive regard for the person on the table but I still grow a lot of food and share it with my neighbors. I'm okay with a phone that doesn't ring, an empty mailbox and being known as the reclusive and rather testy old lady on the hill. For the first time in my life I truly own it. I don't think I could live any other way now.
Thank you for your writing. More people need to understand this stuff.
Heidi, you're a legend. A deep bow to your commitment to healing, and choosing solitude over dissatisfying social interactions.
It's a tough path to choose to extract yourself from norms and conventions that have harmed you when everything about society screams at you to conform. Healing serial abuses often requires deliberately removing yourself from society for a time to regain access to your entire psyche while previous owners (those you described above) are no longer able to gain their psychic supply from you.
I hope nature, your dog and meaningful interactions with neighbours continues to provide you with the company that heals relational wounds, as well as those kindred spirits you meet in the interwebs.
Another seemingly backwards bit of advice I've heard/read/been told repeatedly (besides the "keep your heart open") is that one must be "vulnerable" in order for people to trust/like/want to be friends. From my experience people in this culture WANT you to be vulnerable so they can know exactly to manipulate you.
Another bit of un-advice I received was that if I thought of myself as "tough" the "universe" would make a point of throwing shit at me.
#1 - since when is victim blaming okay?
#2 - am I the only one who thinks it is rather self centered to believe that I am important enough for the "universe" to even know who I am let alone arrange/compel others to behave in a certain way to challenge me?
And then add to that the manner in which being a victim of a crime also means you are going to be shunned by people who don't want to hear about anything but unicorns and sunny days so you grow a thicker skin and then that causes the universe to throw shit at you?
At least you see through all the victim blaming/shaming religious-spiritually bypassing bullshit. You're exactly right - the advice was developed by serial exploiters to justify their abuses, similarly to perpetrators of religious abuse.
There are reasons we don't give trust and don't forgive people - it just hurts you more to sacrifice yourself for teachings disseminated by abuser apologists and enablers.
Your list of characteristics of the "Social Injustice Warrior" provided an excellent description of an archetype that definitely exists in the alternative spirituality universe. I think my dad was also a Christian version of this archetype. I personally believe he truly did have some dramatic supernatural experiences, but the way he sometimes wielded the authority of these experiences over others to push his own agenda was not great. I recently wrote more about that on my blog: https://astrologybooks.substack.com/p/more-on-the-miami-mall-aliens
My current main slice of the alternative spirituality universe, astrology, has some protection against this phenomenon in that it has a tether to objective reality. Astrologers are human and can have conflict with each other just like anyone else, but ultimately Saturn is either opposing your Sun at the moment or it is not — there is an actual mathematical answer rather than one person's subjective experience against another's.
Thank you Eva for sharing your experiences. I first saw this archetype in spiritual community/cult but never heard of an astrology cult. Your rationale for why these don't really exist makes sense to me.
Incredible article and I can see where , why and how I fit in to and at some points advocated for that which was harming me. My issue is always how I've harmed others through my addictions and there is a level of deservingness attached that can be incredibly hard to let go of. I called them circles in my case as I was coming out of heavy drug use and at the lowest and weakest point of my life. I had been through recovery several times over the years and truly wanted to change and go a new direction before my children lost me forever or I continued doing more damage. I did all I could to fit in and became a yes man , blaming when things went wrong and watching all of my negative traits fall out of me for what seemed like the world to see. This is present in every area I went and I really started feeling like I could not connect yet my whole life I've been able to and actually had good healthy relationships. Social INjustice warriors come under some many flags and ive found it difficult to trust anybody in the aftermath. The truth is they were and are my choices yet so many circumstances where not my choice but created for me to trip through and air my faults. I am grateful for that piece where it allowed me to see my narcissistic traits in a different way and truly start putting the work into changes necessary for a new way to be in the world.
Really great article and many thanks for all your great work 🙏🤍
As always, another wonderful piece. I found myself reflecting on all the different patterns and prototypes you laid out and asking myself how they apply to me. Quite humbling 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽.
Thank you Rupi! I could see why this piece prompted reflection. There are many knowlege vamps and SIW ready to exploit networks in health and medicine to wield their influence.
Reminds me of support groups and the push to open up to a stranger. Sometimes if we are open with things that have happened to us and know these things, it gives us the upperhand as we get to see how not only are we percieved( adjust accordingly) but we also get to see who they are. Awesome article.
Groom-immunity takes practice and self-restraint. It's difficult to override a sense of urgency and scarcity when presented with good sounding opportunities. Intuition can take a backseat to good grooming skills.
A woman bought a house in this small town. She taught yoga and led bird walks and drum circles and volunteered for everything. I had just left an abusive relationship and she became my "best friend" - invitations, phone calls, got me to attend a woman's support group with her where she eventually expressed her belief that I deserved the abuse because I did something or other (I didn't stick around to hear her reasoning - which the facilitator was not shutting down) and the only answer was for me to sell my house and move. I was kicked out of her yoga class when I said no. She told me she could no longer be my friend because I didn't want her help. I later saw a photo of her with the abusive ex so I think there are parts to this story that I will never know but I do know I felt uncomfortable about the large way she came into my life and I ignored it. I won't make that mistake again. I trust no one.
She sounds exactly like the 'conscious spiritual' altruistic Social Injustice Warrior recruiting for her cult. I'm sorry that you were betrayed by an opportunistic friend who blamed you for the abuser's actions and then aligned herself with the perpetrator. It's sad that many others get sucked in and will endure gaslighting and bullying.
I wrote a piece about how relationship loss (like leaving an abusive relationship) can set us up to trust the wrong person...and how to prevent that. I hope it's useful:
https://nathaliemartinekphd.substack.com/p/toxicdeath?utm_source=%2Fsearch%2Floss&utm_medium=reader2
Thank you for the link. So true. I met the abusive ex three years after the death of my husband of 27 years.
I can't help but wonder how much being sucked in to a bad relationship is facilitated by cultural pressure to be mated up and social. I had people constantly trying to set me up with the widow from the church or the nice divorcee down the street. I don't know why it would make any difference to anyone that I was alone but it did. I was very obviously excluded from social events in this small town where I was invited when I had a mate. I scoffed at the idea of dating online but that is where I ended up and I fell for the first man who seemed to care (love bombing to the max) And after getting out of that hell I felt pressure to remain involved with people because I was told that !THE ONLY! way I would "heal" is to "keep my heart open" - presumably to humans.
Excuse me but fuck that shit. No. the only way to "heal" is to do it. Or not. Even the therapist I was seeing became controlling and abusive. I walked out when she called me stubborn because my sense of forgiveness was not the same as hers (oh yeah, forgiveness - another real huge can of cultural worms there) But the only time I was truly suicidal was after that vulture/yoga teacher swooped down to pick over the remains of my life. I gave up. I know I was ripe but I still cannot understand the cruelty of both the ex and the yoga teacher. I cannot understand the thinking and feeling that would allow someone to treat another person in that manner. If you don't like me and I am not harming you then leave me alone. I don't think that is asking too much but apparently it is. For someone who takes pleasure in sucking the joy from another person I was easy pickin's.
I still feel "lonely" at times but I also feel I have very little in common with the people in my vicinity and age group. So I cross country ski and backpack with my dog. The forest and the mountains are the places I feel loved and can safely reciprocate. I paint the landscapes that make me smile and hang them on the wall in my house. I quit working as a massage therapist because I could no longer feel that unconditional positive regard for the person on the table but I still grow a lot of food and share it with my neighbors. I'm okay with a phone that doesn't ring, an empty mailbox and being known as the reclusive and rather testy old lady on the hill. For the first time in my life I truly own it. I don't think I could live any other way now.
Thank you for your writing. More people need to understand this stuff.
Heidi, you're a legend. A deep bow to your commitment to healing, and choosing solitude over dissatisfying social interactions.
It's a tough path to choose to extract yourself from norms and conventions that have harmed you when everything about society screams at you to conform. Healing serial abuses often requires deliberately removing yourself from society for a time to regain access to your entire psyche while previous owners (those you described above) are no longer able to gain their psychic supply from you.
I hope nature, your dog and meaningful interactions with neighbours continues to provide you with the company that heals relational wounds, as well as those kindred spirits you meet in the interwebs.
Another seemingly backwards bit of advice I've heard/read/been told repeatedly (besides the "keep your heart open") is that one must be "vulnerable" in order for people to trust/like/want to be friends. From my experience people in this culture WANT you to be vulnerable so they can know exactly to manipulate you.
Another bit of un-advice I received was that if I thought of myself as "tough" the "universe" would make a point of throwing shit at me.
#1 - since when is victim blaming okay?
#2 - am I the only one who thinks it is rather self centered to believe that I am important enough for the "universe" to even know who I am let alone arrange/compel others to behave in a certain way to challenge me?
And then add to that the manner in which being a victim of a crime also means you are going to be shunned by people who don't want to hear about anything but unicorns and sunny days so you grow a thicker skin and then that causes the universe to throw shit at you?
yeah, right
At least you see through all the victim blaming/shaming religious-spiritually bypassing bullshit. You're exactly right - the advice was developed by serial exploiters to justify their abuses, similarly to perpetrators of religious abuse.
There are reasons we don't give trust and don't forgive people - it just hurts you more to sacrifice yourself for teachings disseminated by abuser apologists and enablers.
Deprogramming/de-assimilating is key to healing.
Your list of characteristics of the "Social Injustice Warrior" provided an excellent description of an archetype that definitely exists in the alternative spirituality universe. I think my dad was also a Christian version of this archetype. I personally believe he truly did have some dramatic supernatural experiences, but the way he sometimes wielded the authority of these experiences over others to push his own agenda was not great. I recently wrote more about that on my blog: https://astrologybooks.substack.com/p/more-on-the-miami-mall-aliens
My current main slice of the alternative spirituality universe, astrology, has some protection against this phenomenon in that it has a tether to objective reality. Astrologers are human and can have conflict with each other just like anyone else, but ultimately Saturn is either opposing your Sun at the moment or it is not — there is an actual mathematical answer rather than one person's subjective experience against another's.
Thank you Eva for sharing your experiences. I first saw this archetype in spiritual community/cult but never heard of an astrology cult. Your rationale for why these don't really exist makes sense to me.
Incredible article and I can see where , why and how I fit in to and at some points advocated for that which was harming me. My issue is always how I've harmed others through my addictions and there is a level of deservingness attached that can be incredibly hard to let go of. I called them circles in my case as I was coming out of heavy drug use and at the lowest and weakest point of my life. I had been through recovery several times over the years and truly wanted to change and go a new direction before my children lost me forever or I continued doing more damage. I did all I could to fit in and became a yes man , blaming when things went wrong and watching all of my negative traits fall out of me for what seemed like the world to see. This is present in every area I went and I really started feeling like I could not connect yet my whole life I've been able to and actually had good healthy relationships. Social INjustice warriors come under some many flags and ive found it difficult to trust anybody in the aftermath. The truth is they were and are my choices yet so many circumstances where not my choice but created for me to trip through and air my faults. I am grateful for that piece where it allowed me to see my narcissistic traits in a different way and truly start putting the work into changes necessary for a new way to be in the world.
Really great article and many thanks for all your great work 🙏🤍
As always, another wonderful piece. I found myself reflecting on all the different patterns and prototypes you laid out and asking myself how they apply to me. Quite humbling 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽.
Thank you Rupi! I could see why this piece prompted reflection. There are many knowlege vamps and SIW ready to exploit networks in health and medicine to wield their influence.
Reminds me of support groups and the push to open up to a stranger. Sometimes if we are open with things that have happened to us and know these things, it gives us the upperhand as we get to see how not only are we percieved( adjust accordingly) but we also get to see who they are. Awesome article.
Is it a required trait of “social justice warriors” to engage in personal attacks on the regular? Is there a quota or something you have to abide by?
This is helpful.
Once you start to see it, you can't unsee it.
I like--and appreciate--your descriptions of groom-immunity. It takes a lot of practice, doesn't it?
Thanks Liz!
Groom-immunity takes practice and self-restraint. It's difficult to override a sense of urgency and scarcity when presented with good sounding opportunities. Intuition can take a backseat to good grooming skills.
Oh yes! I learned about this the HARD way. 😬
On another note, I see your posts all over Substack and admire your abundance of content! Wow. How do you manage it?