I spent the early part of my adult life with high expectations of myself and equivalent for others. That had unsurprisingly poor results, especially in any quality of life measurements.
Around 30 I broke from that methodology and adopted a "negative expectations" of others and kept the high expectations of myself. In an odd way that worked for about 15 years but resulted in not building relationships with those who I shared so much with. But I was seldom surprised or let down. Or truly happy.
Then I had a therapist who challenged my happiness and expectations modalities. She said, "Happiness was a choice." Yep! Remains so. She also said, "Try dropping the expectations except where you both make a balanced promise." Turns out there are dang few of those. I still have some expectations creep up but I quickly analyze whether there really was ever a clear and cogent balanced promise. Usually not it turns out. And then I move on with vulnerability and questions. The relationships that develop from this are worth losing all the unspoken Ying/Yang BS of the past. Wish it had happened sooner, but at 63 I'm young yet.
Thanks CDUB - you're the doing the relational work now and that's what matters. Thank you for describing your process of developing realistic expectations and discernment of others.
There was something you said in your conversation with Yasmine Mohammed about the racism of low expectations that prompted me to think about expectations in general, and sparked this article.
oh Gosh, Nathalie I had not read this before. #ItsWonderful I can only start my self awareness journey and persistently and doggedly follow it. #Prayer #Faith #Hope #Love 🙏
I love your mind! You’re very academic, yet you also mix psychology with philosophy and the deeper existential questions. I find a lot of psych articles that you see on Psychology Today etc. tend to look at individuals in a vacuum, whereas you’re more of a Big Picture thinker. It’s much more interesting to me!
Thank you Jules! I'm not a psychologist and never studied psychology as a discipline. I spot patterns and behavioural processes between people and in groups because human behaviour is fascinating! We're social creatures so I have found it helpful to view behaviour through an interpersonal lens. I'm pleased you can see this in my work and it resonates with you.
I'm glad this piece is prompting reflection Curt. It's understandable to have little expectation for others. I've done that to shield me from getting hurt and I think this is more common than discussed.
“These people hold high expectations of themselves, see themselves as models of good character and lack awareness that their rigid thinking is a barrier to forming relationships necessary to enable the transformation they envision. In other words, they are the tricky people others are asking me about.”
Our world is chock full of these people. As evidenced by our politics, social media, suppressed rage, victimhood, and mental illness. They are class A examples of the narcissists you describe—cloaked in their own self-delusion and lack of awareness.
Maintaining reasonable—or even perhaps no expectations—of others—is self-preservation. As you’ve written about—boundaries are necessary and healthy. We can allow ourselves to expect more from those within our circle of love and trust—but it must be explicit and not merely implied.
I spent the early part of my adult life with high expectations of myself and equivalent for others. That had unsurprisingly poor results, especially in any quality of life measurements.
Around 30 I broke from that methodology and adopted a "negative expectations" of others and kept the high expectations of myself. In an odd way that worked for about 15 years but resulted in not building relationships with those who I shared so much with. But I was seldom surprised or let down. Or truly happy.
Then I had a therapist who challenged my happiness and expectations modalities. She said, "Happiness was a choice." Yep! Remains so. She also said, "Try dropping the expectations except where you both make a balanced promise." Turns out there are dang few of those. I still have some expectations creep up but I quickly analyze whether there really was ever a clear and cogent balanced promise. Usually not it turns out. And then I move on with vulnerability and questions. The relationships that develop from this are worth losing all the unspoken Ying/Yang BS of the past. Wish it had happened sooner, but at 63 I'm young yet.
Thanks CDUB - you're the doing the relational work now and that's what matters. Thank you for describing your process of developing realistic expectations and discernment of others.
There are some very good questions to ponder here! Thank you for the thought experiment.
Thank you for reading Kate!
There was something you said in your conversation with Yasmine Mohammed about the racism of low expectations that prompted me to think about expectations in general, and sparked this article.
I'm so grateful to have discovered your newsletter. Each post challenges and expands my thinking—thank you!
Very grateful for your thoughts.Thank you Amy!
oh Gosh, Nathalie I had not read this before. #ItsWonderful I can only start my self awareness journey and persistently and doggedly follow it. #Prayer #Faith #Hope #Love 🙏
Thanks for reading it Trevor! Always more work to do!
I love your mind! You’re very academic, yet you also mix psychology with philosophy and the deeper existential questions. I find a lot of psych articles that you see on Psychology Today etc. tend to look at individuals in a vacuum, whereas you’re more of a Big Picture thinker. It’s much more interesting to me!
Thank you Jules! I'm not a psychologist and never studied psychology as a discipline. I spot patterns and behavioural processes between people and in groups because human behaviour is fascinating! We're social creatures so I have found it helpful to view behaviour through an interpersonal lens. I'm pleased you can see this in my work and it resonates with you.
Very interesting read. Going to have to ponder on this.
I struggle with confidence so I m anything but narcissistic but I also have very little expectation for others so pretty much who you wrote this for!
I'm glad this piece is prompting reflection Curt. It's understandable to have little expectation for others. I've done that to shield me from getting hurt and I think this is more common than discussed.
Love this sentence Nathalie.
“These people hold high expectations of themselves, see themselves as models of good character and lack awareness that their rigid thinking is a barrier to forming relationships necessary to enable the transformation they envision. In other words, they are the tricky people others are asking me about.”
Our world is chock full of these people. As evidenced by our politics, social media, suppressed rage, victimhood, and mental illness. They are class A examples of the narcissists you describe—cloaked in their own self-delusion and lack of awareness.
Maintaining reasonable—or even perhaps no expectations—of others—is self-preservation. As you’ve written about—boundaries are necessary and healthy. We can allow ourselves to expect more from those within our circle of love and trust—but it must be explicit and not merely implied.