I'm going to begin with my comment from when you first shared his tweet:
"So Scotty is upset because the mother of his 8+week old infant is too tired to polish his knob.
If he's not too tired to have his knob polished working to feed mother and child he's already blowing his most crucial role as a father of infants.
Moments like these are why Gibbs would smack Donozzo upside the head."
Fatherhood is not an accident of biology. Fatherhood is not some random consequence. Fatherhood is an aspiration. Fatherhood is a goal.
Fatherhood is, in many respects, why men marry, and why men build families.
Fatherhood is how men get to pass a part of themselves into the next generation. Not just their DNA, but their knowledge, their skills, and hopefully a bit of their life wisdom.
It seems Scotty lost the narrative. He lost sight of why he married in the first place. (It certainly was not sex and companionship, as in the modern era it is virtually certain he had those before marriage).
Men and women marry in order to build something. Call it a life together, call it a future, call it a family, but even among the wokest of the woke marriage is still a union with a view towards a future "something".
Men should build. That's what men do.
Scotty needs to get busy building a future for his child, and quit power whining about getting the very thing he sought when he put that ring on his woman's finger.
I think his main problem was talking about cheating in that short of a span. Two months and he's already ready to cheat?
However I don't think the Internet would have been kind to him either way. "How dare you express needs while being a man? Women's needs are more important than men's needs, and baby's needs even moreso!", society generally looks down on men for expressing unmet need at all. Especially when they are rivalrous with a woman's or child's needs.
I hope he's getting up to change some diapers at night at least though.
Feminists raised a society of weak, effeminate men and now complain there are no manly men around anymore. It's insane, and it's just getting worse because women cannot or will not see that what they are doing is wrong.
Some women are acknowledging the crap they internalised (I did) and are trying to rectify the problem. Unfortunately, feminisation of workforces has brought with it detrimental effects on developing men's psyches.
'When you marry mama's boy' helped me understand my parent's marriage a little bit better. It gave me space for a little more compassion. As always, your writing is thought provoking.
Thank you Janedra for sharing your reflections and for being here! So many marriages follow this blueprint and it's helpful to see them clearly. It can help explain some of the challenging things we've experienced.
I would say to Scott to reach out and try to talk with friends or people he hasn’t talked to for a while, to try to talk about this, even uncomfortably. He could try counseling to talk about things too. Talk therapy is not a cure all but better than Twitter.
Talk about it? Counseling? that is how women deal with their problems. Men build things, break things, go fishing..etc. Men need time to work through their own emotions and the best way to achieve this time is to do something.. DO SOMETHING.. until everything makes sense.
Well some men, most maybe. I guess there’s a point to be made that there’s a diversity of men, even among straight white males. All whole spectrum even!
Talking doesn't mean counselling. Many men find talking about whatever is on their mind very helpful. Men are diverse - what's useful for one isn't useful for another.
talikng is what men do after the have worked through thier emotions by doing something. For men talking is the end of the process once he has figured it out...not the beginning.
Sounds like he needs to take responsibility for his emotions. This is a very good moment in time for him to look at why he is angry about not getting sex and attention like you explained, and why he's competing with the baby. If he feels a desire for attention, he should look into that. Getting good therapy would be beneficial. But not all therapy is good these days.
If he is going to feel better, he's going to have to change his own behaviors and thoughts because the world around him is not under his control at all, but is he up to that task? Sometimes being shamed so badly online can be like hitting rock-bottom so maybe he will consider if the problem is himself. But who knows?
Taking responsibility requires a capacity for self-reflection and self-examination and willingness to make changes. It doesn't seem to me that he's gotten there yet (based on that tweet).
I agree, based on the tweet. The question is whether or not the tweet led him to hit rock-bottom and reflect. But, probably not. Our society, in general, promotes victimhood and people eventually find echo chambers of like-minded people to stay stuck in that mentality.
I've read, and re-read this piece several times, looking for some, any, empathy for this dude. Sure, there is nothing much in there to be empathic about. Even I (with my limited intellect) understand that the desire, or even the ability to be intimate postnatal (for the mother) is near impossible. And the whole tweet reeks of privilege and self-absortion, making it a gift-wrapped excuse to pathologize and diagnose the author’s relationship with his mother, his evident narcissism, his emotional immaturity and his co-dependency. Well done.
But is there an alternative to the diagnostic pathologizing? Could we meet this troubled young man differently?
Let me try a different tack, much the same way my father, and an older uncle, coached me through my first case of patrescence. (It wasn't their first coaching session with me, though.) It would go something like this:
"Yes, Scott, it is hard. Now YOUR role is as the protector and provider. Be grateful to your wife for she has put herself through for you and for your child. Let’s step out for a few shots of whiskey and a cigar while you bitch and moan about your hardship for a couple of hours get it out of your system."
These men set the task for me, giving me something to aspire to, and a deeper understanding of my new role. A role they had modeled my whole life.
Maybe Scott wasn't turning to X for validation? Maybe it was a "cry for help" in a world void of fathers? Who sat Scott down when he learned his wife was pregnant and explained what the next year, year and half would look and feel like, what demands he would have to meet, what “sacrifices” he would have to make?
(That said, I don’t think it is too big of an ask for an “atta boy” and an acknowledgement from his wife? I know I needed and got that from my wife, even though we wanted it and planned it together, and I was somewhat prepared, the total reality of it didn't hit me until we brought the baby home.)
Why would people be jealous of their children,aren't parents both from biological a d sociological influences supposed to sacrifice their needs for supporting their children,and know that before they create those children in the first place?I wouldn't be too lenient on criticizing this gentleman,he should have ben prepared to deal with these issues,he chose to have this baby and he bares the responsibility
Many men are not emotionally mature enough to be a father and yet, many become fathers anyway. Some men remain self-centred and prefer that world (his wife and everyone else) revolve around him.
Thanks for sharing, this was really interesting. I’m trying to build better foundations and self-awareness, but several friends of mine have entered fatherhood. I try to be open and stay in touch. I’m no psychologist. But I know them and I’ve had my own experiences. I believe it’s healthy to be open to trying to discuss things with them, even with limited exp to being in the father role compared to theirs, now. I liked this: “he can develop deep resentment toward his child that can manifest as a sibling rivalry dynamic to reclaim the position as his wife’s Golden Child” because I feel like I experienced this as a child teenager.
Thank you Anthony for engaging with this article. I was curious about how it would be received. It's great that you're aware of how isolating and confusing fatherhood can be, and are trying to stay connected to friends who are there. These lifelines are special and necessary, even if they never use it. Just knowing there's someone who cares enough to check in can be enough.
Why does it bother you how people call themselves Codebra? When people fixate on other's titles it does imply that it brings up their own issues about titles or titled people. If that's the case, it's a conversation between you and those 3 letters, and whatever they symbolise to you.
I'm going to begin with my comment from when you first shared his tweet:
"So Scotty is upset because the mother of his 8+week old infant is too tired to polish his knob.
If he's not too tired to have his knob polished working to feed mother and child he's already blowing his most crucial role as a father of infants.
Moments like these are why Gibbs would smack Donozzo upside the head."
Fatherhood is not an accident of biology. Fatherhood is not some random consequence. Fatherhood is an aspiration. Fatherhood is a goal.
Fatherhood is, in many respects, why men marry, and why men build families.
Fatherhood is how men get to pass a part of themselves into the next generation. Not just their DNA, but their knowledge, their skills, and hopefully a bit of their life wisdom.
It seems Scotty lost the narrative. He lost sight of why he married in the first place. (It certainly was not sex and companionship, as in the modern era it is virtually certain he had those before marriage).
Men and women marry in order to build something. Call it a life together, call it a future, call it a family, but even among the wokest of the woke marriage is still a union with a view towards a future "something".
Men should build. That's what men do.
Scotty needs to get busy building a future for his child, and quit power whining about getting the very thing he sought when he put that ring on his woman's finger.
Yes - he needs to man up though he might have thought marriage was about guaranteed sex.
I think his main problem was talking about cheating in that short of a span. Two months and he's already ready to cheat?
However I don't think the Internet would have been kind to him either way. "How dare you express needs while being a man? Women's needs are more important than men's needs, and baby's needs even moreso!", society generally looks down on men for expressing unmet need at all. Especially when they are rivalrous with a woman's or child's needs.
I hope he's getting up to change some diapers at night at least though.
He did claim baby was easy. Perhaps he cruised through diaper changing class but hasn't graduated to selflessness.
Feminists raised a society of weak, effeminate men and now complain there are no manly men around anymore. It's insane, and it's just getting worse because women cannot or will not see that what they are doing is wrong.
Some women are acknowledging the crap they internalised (I did) and are trying to rectify the problem. Unfortunately, feminisation of workforces has brought with it detrimental effects on developing men's psyches.
'When you marry mama's boy' helped me understand my parent's marriage a little bit better. It gave me space for a little more compassion. As always, your writing is thought provoking.
Thank you Janedra for sharing your reflections and for being here! So many marriages follow this blueprint and it's helpful to see them clearly. It can help explain some of the challenging things we've experienced.
I would say to Scott to reach out and try to talk with friends or people he hasn’t talked to for a while, to try to talk about this, even uncomfortably. He could try counseling to talk about things too. Talk therapy is not a cure all but better than Twitter.
Hopefully there's one friend he can talk to without needing to bare his soul and risk ridicule. Anywhere is a good starting point.
Talk about it? Counseling? that is how women deal with their problems. Men build things, break things, go fishing..etc. Men need time to work through their own emotions and the best way to achieve this time is to do something.. DO SOMETHING.. until everything makes sense.
Well some men, most maybe. I guess there’s a point to be made that there’s a diversity of men, even among straight white males. All whole spectrum even!
Talking doesn't mean counselling. Many men find talking about whatever is on their mind very helpful. Men are diverse - what's useful for one isn't useful for another.
talikng is what men do after the have worked through thier emotions by doing something. For men talking is the end of the process once he has figured it out...not the beginning.
Sounds like he needs to take responsibility for his emotions. This is a very good moment in time for him to look at why he is angry about not getting sex and attention like you explained, and why he's competing with the baby. If he feels a desire for attention, he should look into that. Getting good therapy would be beneficial. But not all therapy is good these days.
If he is going to feel better, he's going to have to change his own behaviors and thoughts because the world around him is not under his control at all, but is he up to that task? Sometimes being shamed so badly online can be like hitting rock-bottom so maybe he will consider if the problem is himself. But who knows?
Taking responsibility requires a capacity for self-reflection and self-examination and willingness to make changes. It doesn't seem to me that he's gotten there yet (based on that tweet).
I agree, based on the tweet. The question is whether or not the tweet led him to hit rock-bottom and reflect. But, probably not. Our society, in general, promotes victimhood and people eventually find echo chambers of like-minded people to stay stuck in that mentality.
It's a good question Barbara. He did come in as the victim so he might only have listened to supportive messages that justified his victimhood.
I pray that we're coming out of this phase of glorifying victimhood.
I've read, and re-read this piece several times, looking for some, any, empathy for this dude. Sure, there is nothing much in there to be empathic about. Even I (with my limited intellect) understand that the desire, or even the ability to be intimate postnatal (for the mother) is near impossible. And the whole tweet reeks of privilege and self-absortion, making it a gift-wrapped excuse to pathologize and diagnose the author’s relationship with his mother, his evident narcissism, his emotional immaturity and his co-dependency. Well done.
But is there an alternative to the diagnostic pathologizing? Could we meet this troubled young man differently?
Let me try a different tack, much the same way my father, and an older uncle, coached me through my first case of patrescence. (It wasn't their first coaching session with me, though.) It would go something like this:
"Yes, Scott, it is hard. Now YOUR role is as the protector and provider. Be grateful to your wife for she has put herself through for you and for your child. Let’s step out for a few shots of whiskey and a cigar while you bitch and moan about your hardship for a couple of hours get it out of your system."
These men set the task for me, giving me something to aspire to, and a deeper understanding of my new role. A role they had modeled my whole life.
Maybe Scott wasn't turning to X for validation? Maybe it was a "cry for help" in a world void of fathers? Who sat Scott down when he learned his wife was pregnant and explained what the next year, year and half would look and feel like, what demands he would have to meet, what “sacrifices” he would have to make?
(That said, I don’t think it is too big of an ask for an “atta boy” and an acknowledgement from his wife? I know I needed and got that from my wife, even though we wanted it and planned it together, and I was somewhat prepared, the total reality of it didn't hit me until we brought the baby home.)
Scott’s gonna cheat instead of growing up. He’s already justifying it to himself.
He's going to go wherever his knob leads.
And with a prize like that, she will probably be grateful.
No. He's a selfish sook. Don't make excuses for him.
Not an excuse and it's not the only explanation. Yes he's a selfish sook and all of the other things going on in the background.
Why would people be jealous of their children,aren't parents both from biological a d sociological influences supposed to sacrifice their needs for supporting their children,and know that before they create those children in the first place?I wouldn't be too lenient on criticizing this gentleman,he should have ben prepared to deal with these issues,he chose to have this baby and he bares the responsibility
Many men are not emotionally mature enough to be a father and yet, many become fathers anyway. Some men remain self-centred and prefer that world (his wife and everyone else) revolve around him.
I describe this as the dysfunctional family system here: https://www.hackingnarcissism.com/i/48684906/the-dysfunctional-family-system
Hurt myself laughin .. myriad levels of - haha ! & props to ‘Peter.. for ‘bein blunt ! Succinct even !
am immune to such ‘urgent urges.. or weenie compulsions or deprivation & unfairly so ..
after all - was in the realm of pregnant mystification 9 months of ‘light hearted ‘consternation for starters
(a ‘state of daze.. with zero data re Mom Or Dad’ism .. as befits bein a feral orphan meself !
Dad especially & Mom too shared their parental wisdoms with two more Families - Each
.. thusly am the ‘senior big bro - to many n sundry.. truly nice folks with different Last Names (YO ! Sis !
the guy went ‘PUBLIC with his concern - amen - eeeowser ! cast yer social media fate to the blustering winds big guy !
& my Love ? Well she tends to bluntly probe such a ‘parable .. with this - ‘are you a ‘Victim - or a ‘VOLUNTEER ?
Scott has ‘VOLUNTEER written all over hiz self.. thoughts n prayin for ya bro (trust me) .. but ain’t you the ‘sillyman ! 🦎🏴☠️❤️🩹
Dr Nat, though speculation, I appreciate your practice. This was very well written, I enjoyed reading it
Viknesvari! What a great surprise to see you pop into my comments! Thank you for reading it and I hope all is well with you and motherhood!
Thanks for sharing, this was really interesting. I’m trying to build better foundations and self-awareness, but several friends of mine have entered fatherhood. I try to be open and stay in touch. I’m no psychologist. But I know them and I’ve had my own experiences. I believe it’s healthy to be open to trying to discuss things with them, even with limited exp to being in the father role compared to theirs, now. I liked this: “he can develop deep resentment toward his child that can manifest as a sibling rivalry dynamic to reclaim the position as his wife’s Golden Child” because I feel like I experienced this as a child teenager.
Thank you Anthony for engaging with this article. I was curious about how it would be received. It's great that you're aware of how isolating and confusing fatherhood can be, and are trying to stay connected to friends who are there. These lifelines are special and necessary, even if they never use it. Just knowing there's someone who cares enough to check in can be enough.
Good essay. Now, about people who feel the need to put "PhD" in their social media handle in a non academic/clinical setting...
Why does it bother you how people call themselves Codebra? When people fixate on other's titles it does imply that it brings up their own issues about titles or titled people. If that's the case, it's a conversation between you and those 3 letters, and whatever they symbolise to you.