Mothers are not okay

Broken promises of the West and idealisation of the East

As an educated, married mother, I’ve strived to integrate worldly success with spiritual fulfilment. Many women in the West share this ambition, but it often leaves them empty. Chasing what’s meant to fulfil them only deepens the void—yet they won’t admit it. Here’s why.

Societal challenges and motherhood

Many mothers in the West experience dissatisfaction rooted in the disparity between societal promises and their lived reality. Western culture often touts ideals of individualism, material success, and self-empowerment, yet these values frequently clash with the demands of motherhood. The promise that women can "have it all”—a thriving career, a perfect family, material comfort, and personal fulfilment—often feels hollow, leaving mothers overwhelmed and unsupported. This can be exacerbated by an unreliable spouse or partner, insufficient social support systems, fuelled by unrealistic expectations about life in general.

Motherhood disrupts a woman’s sense of identity repeatedly over time. The relentless demands of caregiving and the immense responsibility of raising decent humans can erode personal goals, hobbies, and social connections. Adding to this, the pursuit of career ambitions introduces another layer of strain and competing priorities. Social media, often both a social outlet and a lifeline for mothers, intensifies this identity crisis by promoting unattainable ideals; not just of the perfect mother but even the good enough mother, while prescribing and implying the correct ambitions.

Mimetic desire compounds the issue, driving high-achieving mothers to seek fulfilment through curated visions of shiny objects, luxury goods, aspirational beliefs, and domestic goddess skills, all of which are deceptive distractions. Caught between the weight of pre-motherhood ambitions and the realities of their current roles, many mothers experience the prolonged transformation of matrescence as a backdrop to persistent feelings of unfulfilment. These feelings are often accompanied by the distress of unmourned identity losses and a restless yearning for new sources of stimulation and purpose.

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Note to readers: I am describing what many high-achieving women who are mothers go through when seeking to address their dissatisfaction. I’m drawing from my personal experiences of having been and stopped being a spiritual mama, what I’ve learned from other mothers seeking fulfilment, and what I continue to witness among peers. This is not ALL high-achieving mothers, just enough of them that prompted me to write on this topic. I thank

Matangi

for helpful chats and

Kate Wand

for introducing me to Girard’s work on memetic desire.

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Examining distress

Distress and dissatisfaction often act as powerful catalysts for examining the beliefs to uncover the root cause of dissatisfaction. However, rather than questioning the validity of these beliefs, many women find it easier to look for issues in parenting, partnering, or lack of freedom to pursue satisfaction. When women do search for meaning behind dissatisfaction, the process generally leads to one of three outcomes:

1. Stabilising: This occurs when flawed beliefs are identified, adjusted, and integrated into a revised course of action without changing the broader direction of one’s life. Such actions contribute to progress in the Liberation cycle, fostering maturity, individuation, and the cultivation of human virtues.

   Example: A mother believes her fulfilment depends on involving her husband and children in her spiritual practices. Over time, she realises that the pressure she’s placing on her family is causing disharmony. Upon examining her beliefs, she concludes that fulfilment doesn’t require others to participate in her journey. Instead, she reframes her role as a mother as a spiritual practice in itself. She shifts her focus to appreciating and accepting everyday moments and immersing herself in personal spiritual practices during quiet time. By letting go of the need to be the perfect spiritual mama, she adopts a more realistic and fulfilling approach that is free from striving and external validation.

2. Destabilising: This occurs when individuals assume their core beliefs are valid but view their current life direction as flawed, prompting them to make significant changes without re-evaluating those beliefs with a sense of urgency. Such actions often perpetuate the toxic cycle of idealisation, devaluation, and discard.

   Example: A mother who once found her business fulfilling begins to view it as the root of her dissatisfaction. Believing her current environment is the problem, she decides to uproot her family and move to a more spiritual location in pursuit of a ideal of fulfilment, without having examined her beliefs about what fulfilment means. When the new environment fails to meet her expectations, conflict arises within the family. Rather than admit that the move was based on a fantasy, she blames external circumstances and repeats the cycle by discarding the new direction and idealising yet another solution, without addressing the underlying beliefs driving the pattern.

3. No Change: This occurs when flawed beliefs are acknowledged but replaced with new ones from trusted authorities, providing temporary relief while leaving deeper issues unresolved.

   Example: A mother attends a spiritual retreat, leaving her young children in the care of her husband and in-laws. She feels guilty about prioritising her self-growth over her family’s needs. Seeking reassurance, she confides in a younger, child-free Master teacher who advises that her family will benefit indirectly from her personal growth and her investment in herself. The teacher shares a personal anecdote about her own upbringing, implying that such sacrifices are worthwhile. While this perspective temporarily eases the mother’s guilt, lingering doubts about her choices gnaw in the background, and dissatisfaction remains unaddressed.

For high-achieving mothers, dissatisfaction often pairs with a sense of powerlessness, intensifying into distress, and an urgency to alleviate it. Accustomed to pushing through obstacles, these women frequently adopt the destabilising pattern (#2), setting new goals or chasing better solutions without addressing the feeling of emptiness. This pursuit of improvement often distracts them temporarily but leaves the core issue unexamined.

As in the example above, this dissatisfaction often leads women to question their life direction and the state of their marriages, rather than their mental models. Some begin to scrutinise their marriages and spouses in search of the root cause. Others turn to spirituality, embracing an idealised vision of the East, where practices like yoga, meditation, ceremonies, and philosophies rooted in simplicity and community are perceived as antidotes to modern woes. The belief that these traditions promise inner peace, healing, and collective wellbeing offer a compelling contrast to the hyperindividualism and consumerism of the West, that can turn interest into new ambitions and #enlightenmentgoals.

Women…are not ok. The fuckery of accumulating accomplishments is for what? Ego. We don’t get rewarded for stillness, contemplation, good character, pausing, resisting urgency, or patience. Nor should we. They are rewarding. External validation addiction destroys women’s psyches.

Dominance in marriage as a response to dissatisfaction

In some cases, mothers externalise their dissatisfaction and shame, blaming their husbands for the distress, another example of avoiding the deeper introspection required for true resolution.

This blame often leads to subtle or overt domination within the marriage, as women may try to reclaim the power they feel they’ve lost in other areas of their lives. This domination can manifest as micromanaging decisions, diminishing their partners’ contributions, making destabilising choices for the family, or dismissing their spouses’ opinions—all as a way to validate their beliefs and assert superiority.

Some women see themselves as the emotional, spiritual, and moral centre of their families, often believing they know better than their spouses. This dynamic can enforce a power imbalance that husbands react to with resistance, withdrawal, or compliance, perpetuating a cycle dissatisfaction that can evolve into interpersonal narcissism. Ultimately, this cycle of dissatisfaction, blame, and control distracts from deeper self-exploration. While women who dominate their husbands might feel temporarily empowered, projecting their frustrations won’t address root causes of their distress nor resolve underlying distress.

Thoughts on marriage and why some women give up on a good enough thing

Idealisation of spirituality

This idealisation can become problematic when it oversimplifies the complexities of Eastern cultures or adopts their practices superficially and without respect. This approach often bypasses deeper personal issues (i.e. identity crises) driving dissatisfaction and discord with Western society, leaving the core struggles unexamined and unresolved.

Spiritual fulfilment refers to a profound sense of purpose, inner peace, and connection to something greater than oneself—whether it’s a higher power, God(dess), one’s family and community, or one’s deeper values. It transcends external achievements and material success, focusing instead on the cultivation of virtue, attunement to intuition, alignment with one’s true self, intimacy and connection, and a meaningful life that fosters wisdom. On a more personal and practical level, spiritual fulfilment is indistinguishable from fulfilment itself—a sense of peace in knowing that who you are and what you have are enough. In this state of peace, the relentless urge to strive, attain, evolve, or control dissipates, and a desire to navigate life’s challenges and disturbances with wisdom remains.

The pitfalls of spiritual ambition

Balancing worldly success and spiritual fulfilment is a challenge for many high- achieving mothers. When overly fixated on worldly success and an Instagram-worthy family life, high achieving mothers risk overshadowing or undermining their pursuit of spiritual fulfilment, leaving them with a sense of emptiness despite outward accomplishments. Spiritual starvation can also sabotage one’s ability to achieve worldly goals or maintain steady progress. Similarly, excessive focus on spiritual fulfilment can lead to neglect of worldly responsibilities, including duties to family, as they become immersed in perceived superior spiritual practices, retreats, and the pursuit of breakthroughs and other indicators of enlightenment.

This external focus can lead to spiritual exhaustion, where mothers perpetually seek the next practice, sacred object, or experience in pursuit of #fulfilment, without ever reaping the deeper benefits. This happens because they often underestimate the true purpose of these practices: to apply insights gained into daily actions to cultivate character and maturity. When the focus shifts to chasing euphoric moments and transcendence, seen signposts of spiritual advancement, growth is overlooked. Ironically, what is meant to bring fulfilment instead fuels a cycles of toxicity — idealisation, devaluation, and discard — with their spiritual journey, mirroring the same unfulfilling cycle they experience in their pursuit of worldly success.

We can devalue stability, consistency and predictability and seek out excitement, chaos and drama for stimulation and avoid boredom with ourselves. Women like I had been can disregard the stabilising and grounding force a spouse can provide for my unpredictable ways, perceiving it as stagnation rather than an anchor that enables growth and ease.

From Thoughts on marriage and why some women give up on a good enough thing

Mimetic desire and the fake sisterhood

In many spiritual communities, the assumed sisterhood or sangha (devotional community) often devolves into a stratified hierarchy where women covertly compete for perception of most enlightened or spiritually advanced by the broader group. This isn’t just about seeking validation, attention, and opportunities from a Guru or spiritual master; it’s about climbing the group’s internal ladder to bask in peer admiration as the ultimate spiritual powerhouse. Beneath the surface, this supposedly supportive sisterhood of humble spiritual seekers becomes a cauldron of mimetic desire, a concept coined by René Girard to describe how our desires are not entirely our own but are imitated from others. In this context, the craving for recognition drives women to mimic, compete, and envy one another. This results in a toxic dance of rivalry masked as encouragement, where women outwardly cheer each other on, provide support to those who are struggling along the path to affirm superiority and spiritual authority while harbouring envy and aggression.

They convince themselves they’re genuinely happy for others' success, or worse, take credit for the rewards another receives, further deepening the toxic cycle of comparison. This behaviour mirrors cult-like dynamics, where loyalty to the leader and the desire for top status within the group overshadow authentic relationships and character development that accompanies ego refinement.

When spirituality becomes a performance about flaunting the right look, high-vibe jargon, gurupreneur propaganda, and a curated air of virtue, it stops being a path to self-transformation and becomes yet another status symbol. Rituals, sacred objects, and practices intended for mental purification and ego taming are reduced to props in the quest to signal superiority to the group. This competitive showmanship, rooted in mimetic desire, turns spiritual communities into arenas for social climbing, where mothers vie for recognition in a social circle dominated by spiritual narcissists.

High-achieving mothers seeking a spiritual life often find themselves entangled in the very worldly ambitions and competitive drives they aim to transcend. The pursuit of enlightenment or special recognition, whether through achieving guru status, being seen as spiritually superior, or attaining mastery in practices like yoga or meditation, can become a new form of striving. This ambition mirrors societal pressures for achievement and recognition, turning spiritual growth into another metric of success rather than an organic process of self-awareness and authentic spiritual connection.

This competitive approach erodes the very qualities spiritual practices actioned in everyday life aim to cultivate: humility, patience, and acceptance - features of spiritual maturity - and instead amplifies comparison of spiritual clout, envy, and a constant sense of inadequacy.

For mothers, this misalignment can be particularly destabilising, as the pressures of parenting and spiritual pursuit collide, leaving little room for the introspection and surrender that true spiritual growth requires. In the end, tying spirituality to ambition ensures it serves the same emptiness it’s meant to fill. True transformation does not lie in chasing status, manifesting more money to donate for karma points, or mimicking the performances of self-anointed spiritual authorities, but in embracing the messy, unglamorous, and profoundly spiritual work of everyday life—something no sacred object or curated image can replace.

Spiritual Mama

Spiritual Mama: Some unhelpful mental models and attachments

Many mothers striving for spiritual attainment fulfilment unknowingly adopt mental models and attachments shaped by the tendency to imitate the aspirations and beliefs of higher-status figures who exude spiritual authority. These borrowed ideals often tie self-worth to external conditions and achievements, perpetuating cycles of striving and dissatisfaction. Here are some examples of their mental models:

I need X for fulfilment.

I will be fulfilled when X conditions are met.

There is a better reality that aligns with my desires.

Breakthroughs and epiphanies are signs of spiritual growth.

I deserve to manifest my heart’s desire.

Negative emotions interfere signal spiritual stagnation.

I can have it all and living a spiritual life will make it happen.

I’ll never be a good enough mother until I have/do X.

Transcendence and altered states of consciousness are signs of my spiritual advancement.

The Universe provides and takes care of me (regardless of my actions).

What are spiritual mama mental models and beliefs that you’ve come across?

“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things...freedom is not achieved by fully enjoying what one desires, but by demonstrating that that desire is wrong.

-Epictetus

The false gods on the spiritual path

The spiritual path is an obstacle course, where seekers must navigate the hooks of false ideals and external markers of success that can distort true growth and hinder fulfilment. These false gods, which often reflect interpersonal narcissism —attachments to status, validation, self-image, and more — can mislead seekers, transforming the pursuit of spirituality into a quest for recognition or comfort, reinforcing narcissistic traits rather than surrendering them.

• Attachment to social status
  Seeking spiritual fulfilment through social status leads to a hollow pursuit of recognition rather than genuine inner growth. When identity is tied to how others perceive you maintaining that self-image becomes a full-time practice.

• Attachment to external validation
  External validation addiction undermines the authenticity of one's spiritual journey. True fulfilment comes from within and doesn’t rely on approval or admiration from others.

• Attachment to self-image and identity
  Fixating on a specific self-image makes it difficult to engage in self-examination, a crucial process for spiritual growth, let alone embrace ideas that challenge your idealised version of yourself.

• Attachment to feeling important
  Spiritual growth isn’t about elevating one’s sense of importance, but rather transcending the need to feel special. Attachment to this feeling often masks insecurities and denies their existence, leading to a false sense of spiritual advancement.

• Attachment to ambition
  Spiritual fulfilment does not arrive through a relentless drive to achieve. Ambition that is prioritised over balance and peace can deepen the sense of emptiness.

• Attachment to spiritual authority figures
  Attachment to spiritual authority figures can lead to confusion between the person and the divine intelligence they transmit, which is accessible to everyone. Focusing on the form rather than the essence can become an obsession, distracting from the application of their teachings for true transformation.

• Hierarchy of spiritual principles
  Creating a hierarchy within spiritual practices can breed competition and ego-driven comparisons. True spiritual wisdom lies in the ability to honour all paths and principles as interconnected, rather than placing them on a scale of importance for building clout.

• Attachment to comfort
  Spiritual growth requires allowing disturbance of your comfort and challenge to your thinking process. Attachment to comfort can prevent personal critical self-examination, promote spiritual bypassing, and avoidance of challenges that catalyse growth.

• Attachment to narratives that assert inferiority or superiority
  Holding onto narratives that position oneself as either inferior or superior stunts spiritual progress and feeds covert and overt narcissistic traits. These attachments create barriers to true equality and humility.

• False humility
  False humility is an outward show of modesty that conceals a hidden desire for recognition or approval. It distorts the essence of humility, which is rooted in genuine self-awareness and acceptance of ones gifts, character flaws, and areas ripe for growth without seeking praise.

• False surrender
  False surrender is the pretence of letting go while still clinging to control or attachment. Authentic surrender involves deeply trusting the process and releasing the need for certainty or outcomes.

• Spiritual bypassing
  This occurs when one uses spiritual practices to avoid dealing with unresolved emotional or psychological issues. The person seeks to mask or transcend their pain rather than confront their discomfort.

• Using spiritual and mystical experiences as currency
  Some use spiritual or mystical experiences to build clout or enhance their status, rather than focusing on the genuine lessons these experiences offer. This attachment to experiences for validation diminishes their sacredness, reducing them to mere commodities.

• Aversion to struggle and suffering
  While suffering is challenging, avoiding it altogether can prevent maturation. Attachment to avoiding struggle denies the transformative potential of difficult experiences, which are often necessary for deeper understanding and awakening.

• Tithing as business transaction toward enlightenment
  Treating tithing as a transaction to earn spiritual rewards reduces it to a mere financial exchange rather than an act of genuine generosity. True spiritual practice comes from a place of selfless giving, not the expectation of personal gain or enlightenment.

• Entitlement to spiritual rewards
  Believing you are entitled to spiritual rewards can foster a transactional view of the spiritual journey, resembling a capitalistic growth model where progress is seen as a right that you paid for rather than the result of authentic, disciplined effort.

• Addiction to the spiritual highs, epiphanies and breakthroughs

  This can overshadow the incremental progress made in cultivating virtues and navigating previously challenging situations, placing undue importance on the highs. This may also signal spiritual escapism, where one seeks to avoid the persistent realities of life's dissatisfaction.

This list is not exhaustive but highlights the key insights from my experience navigating this path alongside others. Feel free to add more from your experience.

The intrinsic spirituality of mothers

I wanted to deeply explore scriptures and traditional texts on sacred motherhood but was quickly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of content to synthesise. In short, many spiritual traditions and philosophies suggest that women are naturally attuned to the rhythms of life, emotions, and intuition, which are in essence, spiritual qualities. Many traditions also view mothers, through their role as creators of life, as naturally connected to the divine. Their experiences of birthing life, nurturing growth, and attuning to the needs of their children are closely tied to the archetype of the Divine Mother. This intrinsic bond with life and its cycles gives many mothers (and certainly not ALL mothers) an organic sense of the sacred, making spirituality less of an external pursuit and more an innate expression of their being.

However, when mothers seek external spiritual practices or immerse themselves in structured spiritual paths, it can disrupt their intuitive connection or add unnecessary pressure to their already full lives, leading them to strive to be the ideal spiritual mama. These practices can impose rigid frameworks or goals that feel disconnected from their lived experiences, creating tension between their intuitive connection and the demands of formalised, intellectualised spiritual systems. As a result, mothers can become trapped in a feedback loop of dissatisfaction, striving, and distress

As a recovering achievement addict, de-assimilator, and moderate spiritual cult exile on a spiritual path, I have learned that shedding rigid structures, externally prescribed spiritual norms, and cult-like conformity is liberating. I now appreciate the beauty and richness within the chaos of human experience while resisting the urgency that once drove me to strive, achieve, and belong. My focus is on the slow process of character development, individuation, and maturation so I can navigate life’s challenges with grace, wisdom and when necessary, fierceness. I refuse to tie myself to a lineage or community outside of my own cultural roots because everything I need is already within me and the trusted supports around me. I recognise this path might not be ideal for many spiritually seeking mothers and women who are drawn to euphoric highs, mystical visions, and experiences of one’s vast nature to quiet the emptiness that shame-based striving amplifies. I wish I had the wisdom years ago to set aside my other identities and fully embrace the Mother. I could have spared myself a lot of striving, but I wouldn’t have been able to write this piece.

I hope this is helpful to all the mothers out there searching for answers to dissatisfaction, as they navigate the pressures of a society conditioned by endless achievement, progress and optimisation and avoid the pitfalls of constant striving. May this offer some clarity and encouragement in reconnecting with what truly matters.

Nathalie

PS

Christina Waggaman

also just published a piece exploring the transition to motherhood drawing on Jane Eyre on The (Feminine) Virtue Ethics of Jane Eyre.

The (Feminine) Virtue Ethics of Jane Eyre

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